Worlds wackiest piece names?? (these are seriously strange!)

The Cornet King

Active Member
Yeh i was just browsing 4 bars rest when i came across a composer going by the name of Hardy Mertens. Who the hell is he you may say, well i aint got a clue.(look at European 2003 piece on 4 bars rest to find out more)
But just take a look at his list of pieces for band!
Then make your own mind up about this guy!!!
(And these ARE genuine...I or 4 bars rest kid you not!!!!) Taken from 4 bars rest:

“All the binge bottles for the beat and blow job mob, the nimble naughty thirsty on the loose.”
“All the mouth watering meals for flashing Flora, the nimble naughty hungry ghost on the loose” :?

Or what about, “Ballroom Bamboozles” or “Lest we forget” (could we ever? - editor) or “The Three Storms”, “U Mundu drentu a ti”, “Ten romantic moods”, Louice and Blue Eyes” and “Once I was a dreamer”.

I dont know what drugs this guy was on when he came up with these names but apparently the pieces are even worse than the names.
:shock: Has anyone seen a name of a piece that could possibly beat these???

Replies will be noted with interest!

CJ
Front Row, Cottingham band.
 

Roger Thorne

Active Member
Hardy Mertens


Hardy Mertens was born 1960 in Nieuwenhagen (NL). He studied musicology at the Utrecht University, composition and band conducting at the Utrecht Conservatory. In 1984 and 1985 he joined the Netherlands Royal Military Band as arranger and clarinet player. Since 1990 Hardy Mertens has been a regular guest conductor with the Singapore Wind Symphony and since 1995 also with the Sardinian symphonic band "Lao Silesu".

Besides composing, he conducts the Netherlands Police Band, the Philips Symphonic Band and several Dutch community bands, teaches at international courses and guest conducts.

Hardy Mertens also teaches band conducting at the Tilburg Conservatory.

Compositions by Hardy Mertens are rooted in the European orchestral tradition and often influenced by folk music from different continents. Traditional tonality, extended melody lines and percussive patterns are often combined with humorous surprises and unusual sounds. This complexity usually results in a high grade of difficulty and sometimes this causes controversy with conductors and musicians.

Music:

Adagio (composer)
Ainur, the (composer)
All the binge bottles for the beat-and-blow-job-mob, the nimble naughty thirsty bunch on the loose (composer)
All the mouth-watering meals for flashing Flora, the nimble naughty hungry ghost on the loose (composer)
Aphrodite (composer)
Aragorn (composer)
Arco dell' Angelo, l' (composer)
Armageddon (composer)
Arnoldo (composer)
Ballroom bamboozles (composer)
Bam-Bam (composer)
Cante jondo (composer)
Cantico di frate sole (composer)
Carnival (composer)
Concerto for clarinet and band (composer)
Cry for reunion, the (composer)
Da pacem domine (composer)
Desire and suffering (composer)
Drenthe 2000 march (composer)
Drie ventielkes (composer)
Eighteen levels of hell, the (composer)
Eijkhagen college jubilee march (composer)
Fear and fury (composer)
Fiefoerniek (composer)
Hallucination (composer)
Heavenly flute player (composer)
Helmut Rainer Marsch (composer)
Jazzica (composer)
Jordons' gum chewers (composer)
Kykládes (composer)
Last hamburger in hungry town, the (composer)
Leonardus rex (composer)
Lest we forget (composer)
Louice and Blue Eyes (composer)
Lourdes Maria (composer)
Maori (composer)
Mea culpa (composer)
Nirvana's touch (composer)
Ollie goes bananas (composer)
Once I was a dreamer (composer)
Ostara (composer)
Philips centennial march (composer)
Poseidon (composer)
Psalm 19 (composer)
Pushing the limits (composer)
Requiem for the captive condor (composer)
Ritual (composer)
Romantic ceremonial (composer)
Romario (composer)
Rondo skolion (composer)
Säntis (composer)
Singapore experience, the (composer)
Sonetto (composer)
Symphony n° 1 "Voice of mind" (composer)
Symphony n° 2 "Revelations" (composer)
Take a walk (composer)
Ten romantic moods (composer)
Three storms, the (composer)
U mundu drentu a ti (composer)
Uncle Noomes and uncle Toomes (composer)
Variazioni sinfoniche su "non potho reposare" (composer)
Walhalla (composer)
Xenia Sarda (composer)
Zitterd (composer)
Zodiac limit for the lion (composer)
Festwies polka (Chodounska) (arranger)
Finale (from Symphony n° 1 "The Titan") (arranger)
Impressioni di Sardegna (arranger)
Symphony n° 9 (arranger)
Waltz for violins (arranger)
Wind and tree (arranger)

How's that for service!

:wink:
 

TheMusicMan

tMP Founder
Staff member
Roger Thorne said:
Hardy Mertens


How's that for service!

:wink:
Service.... phaaaa, darned useless - can't even get a photo right eh... I dunno... just can't get the staff nopwadays eh!! :D :D
 

Normans

New Member
CJ

Have you ever played "The Dong with a Luminous Nose" I have and recorded it with the Composer conducting. That certainlay raised a smile or two at the recording session!! Extra points on offer if you can tell me the Composer and Band. No clever clogs using search engines now, this is a good band trivia question. Gentlemen start your engines, the clock is ticking!
 

tubatu

Member
Normans said:
Have you ever played "The Dong with a Luminous Nose" !
The piece was composed by Joseph Horovitz on behalf of Kibworth's 70th Anniversary concert.
Originally it was a poem by Edward Lear, here is the poem,

When awful darkness and silence reign
Over the great Gromboolian plain,
Through the long, long wintry nights;--
When the angry breakers roar
As they beat on the rocky shore;--
When Storm-clouds brood on the towering heights
Of the Hills of the Chankly Bore:--

Then, through the vast and gloomy dark,
There moves what seems a fiery spark,
A lonely spark with silvery rays
Piercing the coal-black night,--
A Meteor strange and bright:--
Hither and thither the vision strays,
A single lurid light.

Slowly it wanders,--pauses,--creeeps,--
Anon it sparkles,--flashes and leaps;
And ever as onward it gleaming goes
A light on the Bong-tree stems it throws.
And those who watch at that midnight hour
From Hall or Terrace, or lofty Tower,
Cry, as the wild light passes along,--
'The Dong!--the Dong!
'The wandering Dong through the forest goes!
'The Dong! the Dong!
'The Dong with a luminous Nose!'

Long years ago
The Dong was happy and gay,
Till he fell in love with a Jumbly Girl
Who came to those shores one day,
For the Jumblies came in a sieve, they did,--
Landing at eve near the Zemmery Fidd
Where the Oblong Oysters grow,
And the rocks are smooth and gray.
And all the woods and the valleys rang
With the Chorus they daily and nightly sang,--
'Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live;
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue
And they went to sea in a sieve.'

Happily, happily passed those days!
While the cheerful Jumblies staid;
They danced in circlets all night long,
To the plaintive pipe of the lively Dong,
In moonlight, shine, or shade.
For day and night he was always there
By the side of the Jumbly Girl so fair,
With her sky-blue hands, and her sea-green hair.
Till the morning came of that hateful day
When the Jumblies sailed in their sieve away,
And the Dong was left on the cruel shore
Gazing--gazing for evermore,--
Ever keeping his weary eyes on
That pea-green sail on the far horizon,--
Singing the Jumbly Chorus still
As he sate all day on the grassy hill,--
'Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live;
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue
And they went to sea in a sieve.'

But when the sun was low in the West,
The Dong arose and said;--
--'What little sense I once possessed
'Has quite gone out of my head!'--
And since that day he wanders still
By lake or forest, marsh and hill,
Singing--'O somewhere, in valley or plain
'Might I find my Jumbly Girl again!
'For ever I'll seek by lake and shore
'Till I find my Jumbly Girl once more!'

Playing a pipe with silvery squeaks,
Since then his Jumbly Girl he seeks,
And because by night he could not see,
He gathered the bark of the Twangum Tree
On the flowery plain that grows.
And he wove him a wondrous Nose,--
A Nose as strange as a Nose could be!
Of vast proportions and painted red,
And tied with cords to the back of his head.
--In a hollow rounded space it ended
With a luminous Lamp within suspended,
All fenced about
With a bandage stout
To prevent the wind from blowing it out;--
And with holes all round to send the light,
In gleaming rays on the dismal night.

And now each night, and all night long,
Over those plains still roams the Dong;
And above the wall of the Chimp and Snipe
You may hear the sqeak of his plaintive pipe
While ever he seeks, but seeks in vain
To meet with his Jumbly Girl again;
Lonely and wild--all night he goes,--
The Dong with a luminous Nose!
And all who watch at the midnight hour,
From Hall or Terrace, or lofty Tower,
Cry, as they trace the Meteor bright,
Moving along through the dreary night,--
'This is the hour when forth he goes,
'The Dong with a luminous Nose!
'Yonder--over the plain he goes,
'He goes!
'He goes;
'The Dong with a luminous Nose!'
 

Razor

Member
The dong with .........

The recording in question was the double CD "Joseph Horovitz - Music for Brass Band" recorded by the then CWS(Glasgow) Band and Brass Berner Oberland.

Razor
:wink:
 

Straightmute

Active Member
Frank Zappa is the master of dodgy titles - and it has to be said some fairly dodgy music too! Sorry for the very long list...

Plastic People
The Duke of Prunes
Amnesia Vivace
The Duke Regains His Chops
Call Any Vegetable
Invocation And Ritual Dance of The Young Pumpkins
Soft-sell Conclusion
Big Leg Emma
Why Don'tcha Do Me Right?
America Drinks
Status Back Baby
Uncle Bernie's Farm
Son Of Suzy Creamcheese
Brown Shoes Don't Make It
America Drinks & Goes Home

Apostrophe
Don't Eat The Yellow Snow
Nanook Rubs It
St. Alphonzo's Pancake Breakfast
Father O'Blivion
Cosmik Debris
Excentrifugal Forz
Apostrophe'
Uncle Remus
Stink-Foot

Bongo Fuey
DEBRA KADABRA
CAROLINA HARD-CORE ECSTASY
SAM WITH THE SHOWING SCALP FLAT TOP
POOFTER'S FROTH WYOMING PLANS AHEAD
200 YEARS OLD
CUCAMONGA
ADVANCE ROMANCE
MAN WITH THE WOMAN HEAD
MUFFIN MAN

broadway the hard way
ELVIS HAS JUST LEFT THE BUILDING
PLANET OF THE BARITONE WOMEN
ANY KIND OF PAIN
DICKIE'S SUCH AN ASSHOLE
WHEN THE LIE'S SO BIG
RHYMIN' MAN
PROMISCUOUS
THE UNTOUCHABLES
WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME?
BACON FAT
STOLEN MOMENTS
MURDER BY NUMBERS
JEZEBEL BOY
OUTSIDE NOW
HOT PLATE HEAVEN AT THE GREEN HOTEL
WHAT KIND OF GIRL?
JESUS THINKS YOU'RE A JERK

chungas revenge
TRANSYLVANIAN BOOGIE
ROAD LADIES
TWENTY SMALL CIGARS
THE NANCY & MARY MUSIC
TELL ME YOU LOVE ME
WOULD YOU GO ALL THE WAY?
CHUNGA'S REVENGE
THE CLAP
RUDY WANTS TO BUY YEZ A DRINK
SHARLEENA

crusing with rubin and the jets
CHEAP THRILLS
LOVE OF MY LIFE
HOW COULD I BE SUCH A FOOL
DESERI
I'M NOT SATISFIED
JELLY ROLL GUM DROP
ANYTHING
LATER THAT NIGHT
YOU DIDN'T TRY TO CALL ME
FOUNTAIN OF LOVE
"NO. NO. NO."
ANYWAY THE WIND BLOWS
STUFF UP THE CRACKS

fillmore east
THE MUD SHARK
WHAT KIND OF GIRL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?
BWANA DIK
LATEX SOLAR BEEF
DO YOU LIKE MY NEW CAR?

One Size Fits All
Inca Roads
Can't Afford No Shoes
Po-Jama People
Florentine Pogen
Evelyn, A Modified Dog
San Ber'dino
Andy
Sofa No. 2

Overnite Sensation
Camarillo Brillo
I'm The Slime
Dirty Love
50/50
Zomby Woof
Dinah-Moe Humm
Montana

Sheik Yerbouti
I Have Been In You
Flakes
Broken Hearts Are For Assholes
I'm So Cute
Jones Crusher
What ever happened to all the fun in the world
Rat Tomago
We've Got To Get Into Something Real
Bobby Brown
Rubber Shirt
The Sheik Yerbouti Tango
Baby Snakes
Tryin' To Grow A Chin
City Of Tiny Lights
Dancin' Fool
Jewish Princess
Wild Love
Yo' Mama

the man from utopia
COCAINE DECISIONS
SEX
TINK WALKS AMOK
THE RADIO IS BROKEN
WE ARE NOT ALONE
THE DANGEROUS KITCHEN
THE MAN FROM UTOPIA MEETS MARY LOU
STICK TOGETHER
THE JAZZ DISCHARGE PARTY HATS
LUIGI & THE WISE GUYS
MOGGIO

Them Or Us
THE CLOSER YOU ARE
IN FRANCE
YA HOZNA
SHARLEENA
SINISTER FOOTWEAR II
TRUCK DRIVER DIVORCE
STEVIE'S SPANKING
BABY, TAKE YOUR TEETH OUT
MARQUESON'S CHICKEN
PLANET OF MY DREAMS
BE IN MY VIDEO
THEM OR US
FROGS WITH DIRTY LITTLE LIPS
WHIPPIN' POST

we're only in it for the money
ARE YOU HUNG UP?
WHO NEEDS THE PEACE CORPS?
CONCENTRATION MOON
MOM & DAD
TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
BOW TIE DADDY
HARRY, YOU'RE A BEAST
WHAT'S THE UGLIEST PART OF YOUR BODY?
ABSOLUTELY FREE
FLOWER PUNK
HOT POOP
NASAL RETENTIVE CALLIOPE MUSIC
LET'S MAKE THE WATER TURN BLACK
THE IDIOT BASTARD SON
LONELY LITTLE GIRL
TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF WHEN YOU DANCE
WHAT'S THE UGLIEST PART OF YOUR BODY (REPRISE)
MOTHER PEOPLE
THE CHROME PLATED MEGAPHONE OF DESTINY

zoot allures
WIND UP WORKIN' IN THE GAS STATION
BLACK NAPKINS
THE TORTURE NEVER STOPS
MS. PINKY
FIND HER FINER
FRIENDLY LITTLE FINGER
WONDERFUL WINO
ZOOT ALLURES
DISCO BOY
 

Dave Payn

Active Member
And boy, have I got a selection I could show you too!

From the band Half Man Half Biscuit.....

I Hate Nerys Hughes from the Heart
All I Want for Christmas Is A Dukla Prague Away Kit
I Left My Heart In Papworth General
Ninety Nine Percent of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd

(won't mention the dirty ones!)

Other selected titles:

My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink And I Don't Love Jesus
Daschunds With Erections Can't Climb Stairs
Busting To Sound Like Emlyn Hughes
Ethel The Transexual Spider
Dr Bannister's Patent Scrotal Rupture Truss
 

Roger Thorne

Active Member
Re: Worlds wackiest piece names?? (these are seriously stran

The Cornet King said:
Has anyone seen a name of a piece that could possibly beat these???
I'm going to get moderated for this one, I know, but it is true!!

David Beal (Headline Music) has a Brass Band piece published entitled:

Cock Up Your Beaver!

:shock:
 

Straightmute

Active Member
Re: Worlds wackiest piece names?? (these are seriously stran

Roger Thorne said:
The Cornet King said:
Has anyone seen a name of a piece that could possibly beat these???
I'm going to get moderated for this one, I know, but it is true!!

David Beal (Headline Music) has a Brass Band piece published entitled:

Cock Up Your Beaver!

:shock:
A group of us from tHB heard that in a park over the summer. Unfortunately the conductor didn't announce the titles of pieces so I had to ask the chap who went round with the tin what it was called. In fact we all did... I'd like to apologise profusely to that gentleman if he reads tMP. Our uncouth behaviour was not warranted.

D
 

Dave Payn

Active Member
Re: Worlds wackiest piece names?? (these are seriously stran

Roger Thorne said:
The Cornet King said:
Has anyone seen a name of a piece that could possibly beat these???
I'm going to get moderated for this one, I know, but it is true!!

David Beal (Headline Music) has a Brass Band piece published entitled:

Cock Up Your Beaver!

:shock:
It means 'Doff your cap' :lol:
 

The Cornet King

Active Member
Re: Worlds wackiest piece names?? (these are seriously stran

Roger Thorne said:
I'm going to get moderated for this one, I know, but it is true!!

David Beal (Headline Music) has a Brass Band piece published entitled:

Cock Up Your Beaver!

:shock:
Thou art a bad man Roger. But it sounds like a good piece to me!

CJ
Fron row, :D Cottingham band.
 

Moy

Active Member
Normans said:
CJ

Have you ever played "The Dong with a Luminous Nose" I have and recorded it with the Composer conducting. That certainlay raised a smile or two at the recording session!! Extra points on offer if you can tell me the Composer and Band. No clever clogs using search engines now, this is a good band trivia question. Gentlemen start your engines, the clock is ticking!
Yes Alan didn't you play it with the National Youth Brass Band of Scotland if so it shows you are even older than I thought you were. :lol:
If you didn't they played it as well.
It was recorded by the old SCWS or was it CWS Scotland???
 

Normans

New Member
Moira

You are right and wrong!

I am not as old as you think, as i didn't play it with NYBBS, but I did record it with CWS Glasgow with Joseph Horowitz conducting.

I think "Cock Up Your Beaver" should win as the best title. I remember the first time i saw it on a trade stand, with Gavin Lindsay (ex Sop. - CWS) he was doubled up laughing. :lol:

PS If you are tring to get me on my mobile phone, save yourself the effort - I left it in the hotel in London :oops: Should have it back by Wednesday.
 

Accidental

Supporting Member
"Cock up your Beaver" has go on the prog for next year's gala concert at the finals.....it'll be worth the ticket price just to hear Sheila Tracey announcing it!!!!!!

We've got a sop solo called BILITIS - sounds like a nasty case of vd, and one of our basses reckons its the main theme from a porn flick?!
 
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