All Bass Trombone players come from a planet far, far away. A planet where everyone plays too loudly, out of tune and rarely in time with anyone else. It is for this reason that they blend in so well there. Only after a considerable amount of time (usually towards adulthood) are they finally discovered to be Bass Trombonists and exiled from their home planet and sent to Earth. Once here they lay low for a little while so that they can find an unsuspecting group of musicians, once they find a group, they pounce. They infiltrate the group with talk of being able to drink loads of beer and relating anecdotes of the wonderful things they achieved with other bands they played for in the past (this is usually lies, not in all cases however). Once 'integrated' with the band they are then free to continue with their loud, raucous, out of tune playing until once again they are discovered to be Bass Trombonists. It is at this point that a now mature (??????) Bass Trombonist will throw his/her teddies out of the pram and either leave or sulk. This is common amongst Bass trombone players and is not to be feared. After all, new bass trombonists are being exiled all the time from their home planet so it will only be a matter of time before another infiltrates the happy group of musicians. Unfortunately, if another bass trombone player attempts to infiltrate a band that already has one, the bass trombonist in residence will go through a miraculous change almost immediately. Hackles will rise, eyes will turn green and in almost all cases (regardless of the sex of the player) a handbag will appear. The player in residence will use all his/her powers of persuasion over the other members of the band to ensure that the new player does not integrate. He/she will ensure that everyone knows that the newcomer is a worse player/killjoy/poor drinker/quieter player/less tuneful player than the player in residence whilst maintaining a happy demeanour to the newcomer. This ensures the newcomer feels happy and accepted and is completely unaware of the hatchet job being done on him/her by a fellow player. Unfortunately for the newcomer, the player in residence almost always wins this very one sided battle and the newcomer is cast aside or given a baritone. On the very rare occassion that the player in residence loses this battle, the defence mechanism of throwing teddies out of the pram/sulking (as detailed above) is used to save face.
The sexual habits of the bass trombonist can only be guessed at as there has never been a reliable confirmation of this ever having happened. However, from the rumours on the subject, it is not the sort of thing that can can be discussed on a family forum.
The eating habits of the bass trombonist on the other hand are very well documented. Their diet consists mainly of kebabs, chips, burgers, pies, pizzas, cakes, beer and in some cases all of the above at the same time. Their eating habits generally follow the rule 'lots and often' and once again are usually too disgusting to be detailed here.
I hope this has provided a useful insight into the life of the bass trombonist (latin name:
loudness tuneless) and helps any band to recognise one of these alien creatures before they infiltrate your band and become integrated.
Mr B. Puss es
