Welfare letters

Dave Payn

Active Member
The following sentences were taken from actual letters received by the Illinois Welfare Department in application for financial support:

I am forwarding a marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, one died, which are baptised on a half piece of paper.

I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get the money.

Mrs. Jones has had no clothes for a year, and has been visited regularly by the preacher.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

This my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

Please find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.

I am very annoyed to find out you branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.

I answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 5 children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had my relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immorral life.

You changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference?

I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want money quickly as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks, and he doesn't do any good. If things don't improve I will have to get another doctor to help him.
Source unknown


These are extracts from genuine letters from tenants sent to Manchester City Council (Repairs Division):

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing balls on the roof.

The toilet is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I'm still having trouble with the smoke in my built-in drawers.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat has broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want some repairs doing to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt its knob off.

The toilet is blocked and I can't bath the children until it is mended.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone around to mend our broken path, yesterday my wife tripped and fell on it and now she is pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone round to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Jim R Kelleher, September 1997.


Active Member
LOL!! (Didn't help when I thought they were all from the same letter ... rather incongrous! :( lol)

Will the Sec

Active Member
The official secrets act is a b*gg*r.

Having worked in Benefits for nigh on 20 years, I'd have you wetting yourselves with laughter for weeks if only I could tell you all the things I've come across down the years... ... ...

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