Snow White - a Bander's Story


Active Member

It was a fine summer’s day when the famous conductor for the Forest Brass Band, recently promoted to the championship section, Snow White opened the windows of her cottage, letting the light flood in. It was mid October and the Championship Finals were on the doorstep. This conductor was nervous, not only was this their first year in the championship section, but she’d never conducted at this level before. Her stomach was full of butterflies running amok.

It was Friday evening, and Forest Brass’s last rehearsal before their long journey to the Albert Hall. Their piece, “The Very Hard Piece”, composed by James McFadyen had only turned up 2 weeks before, and as the title suggests, is very hard, and is the hardest piece Miss White has ever conducted. Desperately trying to cover her nerves when reading the 17/16 time signatures.

Bandmaster and Flugel Horn Extraordinaire appeared to be feeling the strain too, even his “Hush up”s and “Will you just shut your goddam’ mouth”s didn’t have the same impact. His voice was quivering and his new technique for vibrato questionable. Doc wasn’t feeling too well.

On the contrary, the band’s rather amiable Solo horn player, Happy, was generally bobbing along. His constant smiles and inability to cry meant that he was the band’s optimist, and deep in his soul he felt that he had to be strong, for him, but for the band.

It was 8pm, and the band (bar one percussionist, who was infamously late) were ready to start on “The Very Hard Piece”. Who writes this rubbish? thought Snow White to herself.

“No no no no no!” cried the most annoying member in the band. “You’re doing it all wrong, you should have a clearer downbeat, and less on the outward flicks”, continued Grumpy, apparently the world’s greatest euphonium player.

“Well if you’re going to pick on me,” retorted Miss. S. White, “I’ll pick on you. Not once have you played that cadenza right, your tone’s terrible, and quite franky,” Grumpy’s eyes began to water. “you’re a real liability.” In a flash, the solo euphonium seat was vacant, but not for long, as Grumpy returned, apologised, and miraculously improved his tone!

It was Saturday afternoon, and the time on Snow White’s watch read half past 4. They would be on the stage in 2 minutes.

There was a gentle tap on Snow White’s shoulders. It was the usher.

“Right Guys” said Snow White triumphantly, “Lets show ‘em what us Forest folk are made of”. She quietened Dopey, the dumb, yet adorable Eb Bass player before he had a chance to embarrass himself.

The light turned green, and the baton fell. Snow White glanced around the band, it appears that Happy wasn’t the only person to be smiling, even Grumpy had a little smirk, and in a funny sort of way she was glad that he hadn’t left, she rather admired his stubbornness.

She cut off the band. The start of the 2nd movement, and Bashful, the principle cornet’s large solo. Miss Snow crossed her fingers, as did the band, letting out a sigh of relief when he hit that top E (that the composer believed anyone could get!). Suddenly, his cheeks paled, and he looked relatively normal, however this only last another few seconds, as he dropped his mute and went all bashful again.

It was the final section of the piece, and as Snow White cued the trombones led by Sneezy to rasp away (as all good trombones do) she noticed that the percussionist Sleepy’s music flying away towards the exit. “OH NO” she thought however, she looked at the score noticing that there was only 1 last cymbal crash, surely he could remember that.

He did, and the piece came to a crashing close. With an eruption of applause, the adjudicator had an easy time deciding the winner.

“And with 198points, and my sheer delight, I pronounce the winners to be ….

……. FOREST BRASS BAND, conducted by Miss Snow White.”

And they lived happily ever after.


Active Member
Snow White, Seven Dwarves and the Brass band Disaster

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, there was a quite unique brass band: The Fairyland Diamond Mineworker’s Band. Well in truth, it was a brass ensemble having only 7 members, but they did do consistently well at local competitions. Some said this was due to the fact that they were usually the only entrants, but this was by the by. But, there was a time in the band’s history that almost meant the end of them….
It was the band’s annual concert, and they sat proudly in their chairs (apart from Dopey, who was perched on top of several cushions to reach the mouthpiece of his Eb Bass.) The diamond encrusted instruments gleamed, dazzling the front row of the audience. The turnout had been rather good this year, with the Three Little Pigs, Little Red Riding Hood, Alice in Wonderland, Humpty Dumpty and many others present. Snow White, the conductor, entered and took her place at the front, beaming at the dwarves.
The band struck up with “March of the Cobblers” which they dedicated to a group of elves they knew. Bashful, the principal Bb cornet, squirmed uncomfortably and his face grew very red, but Doc, on flugel, gave him a nudge and he managed to toot a few notes. Happy, the horn, blew out his part joyfully and looked positively radiant with pleasure as he sat in his rests. Grumpy parped out the euphonium part loudly the whole way through, as he didn’t like the piece and was just generally very annoyed at life. Sneezy, on trombone, was as ever the crowds favourite as his constant sneezing made every note a glissando. Sometimes his slide fell right off which made everyone laugh. Dopey played nicely, it was unfortunate though that his music was upside down. Finally Sleepy who unsurprisingly slept through the entire thing. No-one minded very much though, because he was only the percussionist after all.
All was going well, and they played instant Concert, Memory, Kalinka, Nessun Dorma (for Sleepy) and Children of Sanchez without incident. However, as Snow White brought them in for Hootenanny (the finale) there was a strange silence. For a second Snow White thought she had gone deaf, but then she looked at the dwarves. None of them could play a note! They were trying with all their might but not a sound could be produced.
“Nothing’s ‘appening, I dunno what’s gone wrong,” Doc shrugged.
Snow White sadly apologised to the audience and they left quietly, with a sense of anti-climax. Then the dwarves looked at one another. They had to do something - fast. It was only a week until the regional championships!
The next morning, as they sat glumly at breakfast (except Sleepy who was face down in his porridge), there was a sudden crash as Grumpy burst in the door clutching the post. He was reading “The Daily Bandsman” with a look of disbelief on his face.
“Grumpy, what’s happened?” Happy enquired.
“We’ve got competition in next weeks contest,” he stuttered. “The Royal Silver Band.”
“You know what this ah…ah…ah…TISHOOO means, don’t you” Sneezy cried.
“The Evil Queen” everyone murmured.

The dwarves took the day off work to try and fix the instruments. They knew they had beat the Evil Queen at the contest, otherwise no-one would come too their contests, and they would lose their sponsorship from the mine. They had been working for months on the test piece, “A Liquorice Suite” by Peter Bale. The band had to get a good mark from the adjudicator to keep their fans happy, but now they had another band to beat too!
They tried everything they could think of on the instruments. They were washed out, valves oiled, slides greased, diamonds polished, mouthpieces scrubbed - to no avail. Snow White even called for some brass players from tmp to try and help but it was no use. Dyl, flugelgal, nadia, lynchie, Euph_Bari and Darth Tuba couldn’t understand what was wrong either.
“What can we DOOOOOO??” Dopey wailed eventually.
“Well its obvious that the Queen has put a spell on the instruments. I suggest we go to the castle and kick her evil a-”
“No, Grumpy, we can’t be too hasty.” said Bashful, before retreating to a corner.
“You’re both right. We need to do something about the Queen, but we can’t start a war!” said Doc.
“I have an idea….” replied Snow White mysteriously….

It was the day of the contest and everyone was in high spirits. The dwarves had been drawn first. By half past two, they were on stage and absolutely buzzing. The hall was packed. At last the adjudicator was ready and the band began to play.
It was fantastic. A beautiful full sound burst out from their bells, and even Sleepy had been pumped full of caffeine and remembered to play. Grumpy’s euph solo went swimmingly well, and many of the audience were in tears. Bashful managed his ad lib solo brilliantly and didn’t once stop playing. As the last chord boomed out there were screams of delight from the audience and the band got a standing ovation. Happily they took seats at the front and sat to watch their opposition.
A full band walked onto the stage. The dwarves shared a look, for they knew that six of the players - principal cornet, flugel, solo horn, solo trombone, solo euph and solo Eb bass were playing instruments that didn’t work! But, to their horror, it was not the Evil Queen who walked out to conduct! It was an unfamiliar little man.
The sound that came on the first down beat was decidedly under par - and it remained that way. The solos didn’t happen. The dynamics were non-existent. It was awful! A few claps echoed emptily found the hall. The dwarves were torn up with guilt: it was their fault.
Finally it was over, and suddenly to their surprise a voice dripping with malice emerged from the box.
“A clear winner there. The Royal Silver Band in first place, with 200pts. That other band - 0.”
The Evil Queen!

However, a representative from the senior management of the mine ran up the band where they sat, frozen with shock.
“You were amazing! We are going to continue the sponsorship as you were today’s true winners.”

And they all lived happily ever after.


Active Member
The Hunt for Snow White…

It was a Friday, which meant that it was rehearsal night for Snow White and the Seven Dwarves at their band "Forestors Miners Welfare."
They had all put in lots of practice in since the making of their last film, and had finally packed in the old “hi- ho” singing, and had turned to learning brass instruments- why not? (Rhetorical question!).
However, the rehearsal was not going too well what so ever! Snow White, the band’s conductor, was no where to be seen…
“Let’s go and find her!” shouted Doc, the band’s flugel player, over the masses of brass sound filling the rehearsal room.
Everyone leapt out of the band room on a hunt for Snow White… apart from Sleepy, who played percussion for the band, and had fallen asleep on top of the timps during the hymn’s that the band had used as a warm up, and Dopey, who played Eb Bass, and was actually struggling to walk out of the door instead of repeatedly walking into the wall! (Bass players! tsk)
Nevertheless, the other Dwarves continued their relentless search for their beloved conductor.
After a few minutes, they stumbled upon Snow White who was lying within a glass chamber…asleep, and during rehearsal time too!
“Oh dear! It seems she’s eaten one of those silly apples again that makes her go to sleep! We need to find a gorgeous prince to awake her with a kiss,” said Happy, the band’s horn player.
“Ahchooooooo! We could ask 2nd Man Down from the Boc Bro house- apparently he’s stunningly gorgeous!” said Sneezy the band’s trombone player, whose slide always fell off whenever he sneezed!
“Nooooooooo! He’s not that attractive, and no one likes him!” said Grumpy who was the band’s Euphonium player, who always lied, although he played the greatest instrument in the world!
“Well if we can’t get 2nd Man Down to do it, this will have to do!” replied Happy, pulling a dribbling Pig from behind his back.
*Sarcasm* “because THAT’s going to work!” said Dopey who’d finally managed to get our of the band room door!
Happy then moved the pig into kissing distance, and the pig placed an absolute smacker upon Snow White’s lips!
Snow White wakes up bolt right, and in a deep manly voice goes “Awwww by heck that was an absolute stonker, who was it!?” It was 2nd Man Down!!!
The Dwarves all pointed at the pig, and 2nd Man Down ran off looking a bit unwell! But where was Snow White they thought to themselves!?
Suddenly there was a rustle in the leaves, and Snow White came running into the clearing “Have you seen my newly married Hubby…? He stole my apple that this lovely lady gave me and ran off!”
The Dwarves disregarded the fact that she was married, and returned to the band room where they continued a successful rehearsal on their National Finals test piece “Chaucer’s Tunes.”
By the end of the rehearsal the band was sounding great and everyone was on top of the piece, apart from Bashful the band’s Bb cornet player who was making so many errors that he was looking decisively red and embarrassed!
Everyone left the band room happy that they could win the National Finals 2nd section as long as Hathern didn’t pose strong competition to them, but only time will tell what will happen…

2nd man down

Staff member
The Foresters Miners Welfare Band...Where are they now?

Of course all these stories are from the once proud history of a band that has seen past glories most of us can only imagine, but the band has not been in a competing standard for many years now and most of the playes who made up the band have not been heard of or seen since the Happy/Snow white scandal that rocked the band to it's foundations and caused most of the members to go their own separate ways. The scandal, for those of you too young to remember, involved Snow White's use of Happy's horn...and I think the least said about that sad passage of history the better.!

Of course some members still keep the name of the Foresters Miners Welfare Band going but it is only a name now and the players that are still there only manage to run a brass workshop and youth group as full time members are so difficult to find. The geography of the band room doesn't help this situation, it being sited right in the heart of forest in which they all used to live.
So every Monday and Wednesday evenings the few remaining stalwart members turn up to teach the children how to begin playing and to their credit they're doing a fine job.
Dopey on Eb Bass and Sneezy the once virtuoso trombone player with the most fantastic glisando's in the buisness still do their best to keep alive the traditions of the band that ran for so long.

But what of the others? Through exhaustive and extensive research we have managed to track down the remaining members of the band and for the most part it is a sorry end.
Snow White, the lady at the centre of the scandal now lives in a nearby village with Happy, who still actually plays his horn but with the neighbouring Royal Silver Band, and she is now working for the local traction company as a conductor on the supermarket and school bus service. Both Snow White and Happy were reluctant to speak to us and made it quite clear they were unnavailable for comment.

Another member who didn't want to comment was Grumpy (no surprises there then!). We'd heard that he was actually buying and selling things that weren't strictly above board but when we tried to contact him to get his comments all we got in return was a hurl of abuse
"Go away!" he shrieked "I have nothing to say to you lot...Oi!! get that camera away from me, you phonuim!!"
What a phonium is, we can only speculate. We didn't stay around long enough to find out. :roll:

The three other members of that once great band have done slightly better for themselves in the years that have passed, in fact Doc is quite a success.
When he left the band he dug out his medical certicifcates and went back to his practise, where he has now awaits a patent for a rather succesful and popular flu gel. He has submitted his formula and test results to the FMA (forest medical association) and is awaiting his gels induction in to the register of official flu cures.
"It's a shame about the band, we were good in our day, but we were going to have to give up at some point anyway, even without the scandal with them two, you see with us being so short and having sponsorship from a miners organisation, everyone kept thinking we were a junior band. It was quite embarassing I can tell you!"

Bashful now runs a dairy ice cream company and his Bb Cornets are the favorites of all the children around it seems. When his chimes ring out (The tune of Hi Ho Hi Ho) all the kids flock to his van to get another Bb Cornet with delicious dairy ice cream. They just can't get enough. Bashful, as you could probably guess would not comment.

And finally Sleepy, he plies his trade now on a market stall selling soft furnishings and drapes and as we neared his stall to talk to him we could hear him calling out
"Get your fabrics and linens here, cheapest around...come and get it, only a pound per cushion!!"
His line of work was actually quite good for him, because with him continually falling asleep, he has plenty of soft furnishings and cushions to fall on.
"Oh yeah, we were a fantastic band in our could beat us...but then came that fateful day when i burst in on Snow white and Happy and she was..."
Sleepy fell asleep at that point and we were unable to wake him. Suffice to say Snow White was making Happy very happy.

So there you are, The Foresters Miners Welfare Band, a once glorious past, a scandalous termination and maybe, just maybe with the help of Dopey and Sneezy, could one day be great once again.


Supporting Member
Once upon a time there was a band that lived deep in the great forest. The band, Great Forest Brass, was made up of Bashful who played principal Bb Cornet, Doc the Flugelhorn player, Dopey who played Eb Bass, Grumpy who played Euphonium, Happy who played Horn, Sleepy who played Percussion and Sneezy who played Trombone. The band were doing well under their conductor Snow White but needed that extra boost.

One day Snow White had a cunning plan. She gathered the band together and told them she had entered the band in the Dark Woods Brass Band Competition. She thought it would do the band good to have something else to do other than play in concerts in the diamond mine, the local pub. The band practiced on the way to the mine, in their breaks, on the way home and after their tea. They practiced so much that sneezy forgot how to sneeze! The day before the competition Snow White took them all out for the day to clear their bodies of any stress so they went swimming in the misty lake.

On the day of the competition the whole band was nervous but managed to keep it well hidden. They were drawn third so luckily they would be done and dusted early on in the day. This was a big bonus because the band could pop back to the pub after playing. They waited till their turn and then they walked on the stage. They played like they had never played before & their soloist Doc sounded so good it was hard to believe it was him. After they had played Snow White took them all to the pub for chill out time. Then it was back to the venue for the results.

In third place were their local rivals, (and mine owners) the Black Diamonds Silver Band, in second place came the Witch Haven Brass. And in first place and to everybody’s surprise came Great Forest Brass!!

Well the band was completely surprised, as they didn’t think they had a chance with the adjudicator being none other than the evil queen thank goodness for closed adjudication!

Off the band went to celebrate and lived happily ever after

The End.

Or was it?


Active Member
SABOTAGE! :evil: :cry:
That explains why the entire of tMP is messed up with Happy actually being read as What Sharp etc!? :roll:


Supporting Member
Seedhouse said:
By the end of the rehearsal the band was sounding great and everyone was on top of the piece, apart from Supersop the band’s Bb cornet player who was making so many errors that he was looking decisively red and embarrassed!

:shock: nothing new there then!!!!! boy is it a good job nobody else can post in here! :oops:

Dave Payn

Active Member
BOC Brother said:
Strange how you didn't use the original names of the Dwarfs!


Probably because 'Snow White was feeling Grumpy' has different connotations nowadays.... ;-)

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