**Takes a good look at a photo of his trombone section** Sacred?? This mob???????
I'll counter that with this lovely page of Trombone gospel -
And on the eighth day He did grant the joy of music and the Trombone descended, with Rath did he spake and a King appeared."
This is the opening passage of a recently discovered scroll and provides the confirmation that many scholars have suspected for some time.
"Adam had recalled the voice of angels and wished Eve to share the delights, Jehovah having no angels to hand sent to Adam the receptacle of pure music and called it...Trombone. 'Take this wonder of heaven and use it well,' he spake to Adam, 'only the chosen can produce the tone of angels and they must be held above all others.'"
In a desperate search for his bottle opener, young Andreas Harpington was excavating his aged settee and came across the long lost scroll. "I spent all morning seeking the bottle opener and almost had to revert to keg beer in my desperation, then I came upon the parchments hidden in a recess of my sofa". In his misguided youth Andreas had dabbled with a tenor horn but having now seen the light is a leading disciple of the Trombone.
"He, realising that the Trombone may enchant the first couple and that the joyous resonance may divert them from their coupling sought an converse object. He descended to Hell and sought audience with Lucifer. After deliberation and much gnashing of teeth He brought to the garden of paradise the worst of all objects that Lucifer had brought up...the Barfotone"
This passage is reminiscent of Nostradamus whn he predicted that the Barfotone (now mistakenly called a baritone in some brass band circles) would find a place in society. "In all respects one must find an object of ridicule so that the true word can be upheld as true"
Chief Evehema, the well-known prophet of the Sioux nation, once mistook the disembowelled death throes of a grizzly bear with acute dysentery as a concert performance of a barfotone, an easily forgiven error.
The scrolls continue
"When the Trombone does spake so do you hear the voice of my chosen ones and the Angelic lilt should be revered as the true word"
Scholars and experts have often pondered that the Trombone is used sparingly in some orchestral pieces and even in the brass band is asked to rest more often that the other parts. The angelic symbolism of The instrument corresponds with research undertaken at the University of Canvey.
Observation of the brass band audiences has noted the predominance of blue rinse amongst some of the female contingent. ECG and seismograph readings have detected distinctive flutters and palpitations when the Trombones play. Therefore it is has been deemed wise to restrict too much of the pure sound for reasons of health.
In specific research with the legendary Team Trombone this effect has been enhanced and it has been found that the other band members fail to read key signatures or accidentals and are in obvious awe and bewilderment at what should be going on. Conductor Trevor Davey has overcome this phenomenon with the use of industrial strength earmuffs and beta-blockers. Mr Davey was unavailable for comment but upon his release from the institution may give a full statement.
All this and more can be found at www.teamtrombone.org.uk