Peter Kaye One Liners


Supporting Member
Hilarious :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me neither.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may
break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

I was the kid next-door’s imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Life is a game of Pitch & Toss. Some people are pitchers. You, unfortunately, are not.


Active Member
We went to see the "Jumping On The Bandwagon Tour" last night, with Paddy the bouncer, Janice Connolly (the nutty woman behind the bar who loves Jesus), the guy who's always telling tall tales and more. It was hysterical! This is how Paddy starts off the evening...

"Look at this, ladies. I bet you're thinking "Cor, a few more drinks and I could have him!" Well tough, I'm not having any more to drink!"


I am off to see the tour with a few friends on Saturday in Burnley. Not really sure how near the front we are but wouldn't mind knowing if we need to avoid eye contact for fear of audience participation??? :shock:

Love Peter Kay (as you can probably tell from my signature!) but have never been able to get tickets, so this is the next best thing :lol:


From what I have heard he is not doing another series BUT he is doing a spin off which I think is going to be called The Road to Nowehere and will be about Paddy and Max and what happened to them after they left the club in the camper van at the end of Series 2

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