One-Liners

MRSH

Supporting Member
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never criticize your wife's faults. It might have been those faults that kept her from getting a better husband.

What's the speed of dark?

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

At age 66 I'm bisexual. I said bye to sex.

Money talks but all mine ever says is "goodbye."

Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest

When you go into court you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough get out of jury duty.
 

PeterBale

Moderator
Staff member
Mary had a little lamb, it was as black as soot,
And into Mary's pot of jam its sooty foot 'e put :wink:

Mary had a little lamb, she also had a bear:
I've often seen her little lamb, I've never seen her . . . :oops:
 
Mary had a little lamb, it went around in hops.
It hopped along the motorway, and got turned into chops.

I could go on with these for days...!
 

Dave Payn

Active Member
sunny_jimbob said:
Mary had a little lamb, it went around in hops.
It hopped along the motorway, and got turned into chops.

I could go on with these for days...!
Mary had a little lamb
She fed it Guinness and baked beans
She approached it with a lighted match
And blew it to smithereens
 
Mary had a little lamb, it had a touch of colic.
She gave it brandy twice a day, and now it's alcoholic.

Argh! Make them go away mummy!
 

stephen2001

Member
Mary had a little lamb, it walked into a pylon,
10,000 volts went up it's nose, and turned it's wool to nylon :!:

Slightly modified from the version I know to make it suitable for a family audience :? :D :wink:
 
andyp said:
(WARNING: moderately offensive language in one of them, so don't click if you may be offended)
Hmm, surely that's pretty much like writing "RUDE, CLICK ME! NOW!" in big flashing letters. Or is that just me?
 

rutty

Active Member
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece as white as bedding,
And everywhere that Mary went,
She kicked it <censored> head in

:)
 

jambo

Member
Dave Payn said:
sunny_jimbob said:
Mary had a little lamb, it went around in hops.
It hopped along the motorway, and got turned into chops.

I could go on with these for days...!
Mary had a little lamb
She fed it Guinness and baked beans
She approached it with a lighted match
And blew it to smithereens
Mary had a little lamb
She tied it to a pylon
A thousand volts went up its bum
and now its' fleece is nylon
 

Nat

Member
you shouldnt make me laugh like this- i've got bhronchitis and it hurts when i laugh!!
 
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