New Company Handbook - 2004


Supporting Member
I just thought I'd share this with everybody. My company has just issued a new handbook for its employees and I thought you may like to suggest yours adopt the same.



It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your pay. If we see you wearing Prada runners sneakers and carrying a £600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a pay rise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a pay rise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of illness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.


Entirely too much time is being spent in the toliet. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.


Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Jo Elson

ahh very good. I don't get toilet breaks at work we just get our allocated time for a break depending on the amount of hours we are working and we don't get paid for them anyway!

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