Lockdown Laughs - the Scrawl of the Wild

Jack E

Jack E

Well-Known Member
Half of us will come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

Still haven't decided where to go for my summer holiday ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom?

Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Home schooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.

I didn't think that when we changed the clocks, we'd go from GMT to the Twilight Zone.

This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood every word she said. I came into my house, told my dog - and he CRACKED up!

After this mass house arrest, the producers of 'My 600 Pound Life' will be spoilt for choice, won't they?

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to get together all the ingredients and make your own meal. Dunno how the place didn't go bust years ago . . .

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

I've just sent a message off to a social media influencer. It's time to take out the bin-bag; what should I wear?

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Backgardena del Sol. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 5 of home schooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat. I'll be so disappointed if it's a hoax . . .
 
J

julian

Active Member
Things getting so bad now I'm starting to have nightmares - dreamed I was playing baritone...............
 
J

julian

Active Member
No spite, that's not me, just gentle baritone banter - been going on in brass bands for decades.....
 
J

julian

Active Member
O.K. then. What's the difference between an exhaust pipe for a Suzuki FS1E (showing my age now), a 2" outlet for a bath and a baritone? - No idea, they all sound the same!!!
 
R

Richard Knock

New Member
Jack E said:
Half of us will come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

Still haven't decided where to go for my summer holiday ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom?

Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Home schooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.

I didn't think that when we changed the clocks, we'd go from GMT to the Twilight Zone.

This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood every word she said. I came into my house, told my dog - and he CRACKED up!

After this mass house arrest, the producers of 'My 600 Pound Life' will be spoilt for choice, won't they?

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to get together all the ingredients and make your own meal. Dunno how the place didn't go bust years ago . . .

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

I've just sent a message off to a social media influencer. It's time to take out the bin-bag; what should I wear?

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Backgardena del Sol. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 5 of home schooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat. I'll be so disappointed if it's a hoax . . .
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Very amusing! Sadly, though, it’s not half, some won’t come out of it at all. One of the weirdest coincidences is all the lovely weather we are having, it doesn’t match up somehow. Practising on you own has it’s limitations too, I get a bit bored with the sounds I make! (To say nothing of the rest of the household!
 
James Yelland

James Yelland

Active Member
The Times Diary has been inviting entries for new verse for the coronavirus age. Today's effort from a Mr Bray is a good one:

(to the tune of Arthur Sullivan's 'Modern Major General'):

I am the very model of a modest isolationist
I keep away from pretty girls and others who I've always kissed
I put my hands together with a little bow 'namaste-ing'
And carefully observe the etiquette of social distancing

So when you see me sauntering down paths in my locality
Don't carp or criticise me for some basic criminality
I'm exercising caution and my wife and spaniel, who insist
I am the very model of a modest isolationist.

Classy.
 
Jack E

Jack E

Well-Known Member
julian said:
No spite, that's not me . . .
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Oh, yes, it IS you - and why is it that it's always the baritones, and ONLY the baritones, who get the abuse? Repeatedly picking on the same target for decades, for no reason at all, is a perfect definition of spite.
 
2

2nd tenor

Well-Known Member
julian said:
No spite, that's not me, just gentle baritone banter - been going on in brass bands for decades.....
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Yep. It has been going on for ages and isn’t a bit of humour is good for us all? A few days ago I read, on another forum, a joke about an Englishman and thought it offensive but when I substituted Englishman with Scot, Irish, Welsh, and Yank it was enormously funny. I’m not much impressed by PC stuff and think a bit of friendly banter can be good for us all, however that only sometimes funny joke made me think a bit ...

Anyway, here’s a joke for you: What's the difference between an exhaust pipe for a Suzuki FS1E (showing my age now), a 2" outlet for a bath and a Cornet? - No idea, they all sound the same!!!

Not so funny when it’s your own instrument being laughed at?

Here’s hoping that we can all be chilled during these difficult times. Spread peace and love rather that the dreaded virus.
 
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Jack E

Jack E

Well-Known Member
The occasional joke is . . . just a joke, 2nd Tenor. It's the fact that ALL the snide cracks are ALWAYS aimed at baritones, and they aren't 'gentle banter', but downright insulting.
I've been living in near enough solitary confinement for three months, now. No band rehearsals, no lessons from my private tutor, no horse riding - I'm just about climbing the walls, here - and STILL no end in sight. People deliberately trying to wind me up is the last thing I need.
But thanks, 2T - I appreciate your encouragement.
Jack
 
John Brooks

John Brooks

Well-Known Member
2nd tenor said:
Yep. It has been going on for ages and isn’t a bit of humour is good for us all? A few days ago I read, on another forum, a joke about an Englishman and thought it offensive but when I substituted Englishman with Scot, Irish, Welsh, and Yank it was enormously funny. I’m not much impressed by PC stuff and think a bit of friendly banter can be good for us all, however that only sometimes funny joke made me think a bit ...

Anyway, here’s a joke for you: What's the difference between an exhaust pipe for a Suzuki FS1E (showing my age now), a 2" outlet for a bath and a Cornet? - No idea, they all sound the same!!!

Not so funny when it’s your own instrument being laughed at?

Here’s hoping that we can all be chilled during these difficult times. Spread peace and love rather that the dreaded virus.
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You've reminded me of a long ago visit I made to the UK. I shared with my friend some of the current Canadian "Newfie" jokes. One example: "What's black and blue and found floating in St. John's harbour? A mainlander caught telling Newfie jokes". A few days later St. John's had morphed into another port city in the UK. It was all in good fun and no offense was intended or taken. And, I might add, nobody tells a Newfie joke better than a Newfoundlander!!
 
John Brooks

John Brooks

Well-Known Member
Jack E said:
The occasional joke is . . . just a joke, 2nd Tenor. It's the fact that ALL the snide cracks are ALWAYS aimed at baritones, and they aren't 'gentle banter', but downright insulting.
I've been living in near enough solitary confinement for three months, now. No band rehearsals, no lessons from my private tutor, no horse riding - I'm just about climbing the walls, here - and STILL no end in sight. People deliberately trying to wind me up is the last thing I need.
But thanks, 2T - I appreciate your encouragement.
Jack
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Jack, I get your point and also appreciate that, at this time, many of us living in lonely isolation with little to no meaningful, face-to-face interaction for so long are struggling where we would not normally have a problem. You're not alone in that. Hopefully, you'll be able to at least ride your horse soon. I wish you well.
 
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