Hypocrisy and ambiguity

[dyl]

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls
live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Is there another word for synonym?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If the police arrest a mime artist, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One good thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

:shock:

 

[Dave Payn]

Washington Post

This has done the rounds for a few years, but worth a view if you haven't seen it before.

Done the rounds before

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they
were asked to supply alternative meanings for various words.
The following were some of the winning entries:


Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up
on the roof and gets stuck there.

***************************

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader
who doesn't get it.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
obtaining sex.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a
serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

And finally . . .

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a*shole.