Hormones

MRSH

Supporting Member
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands.This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Remember: Money talks...but chocolate sings!!
 

Dave Payn

Active Member
And miles better than the only other (extremely ancient) hormone gag I know

How you you make a hormone?
Don't pay her

Youreawunnerfulaudiencelaydeegennlemen...thangyewthangyewthangyew
 

Accidental

Supporting Member
Just one small point - the Ultrasafe option works pretty well at all times, not just those "special" days! :wink: :lol:
 

2nd man down

Moderator
Staff member
and because i like my crown jewels just exactly where they are, i'm passing no comment whatso-ever on this topic. :roll:
 
Staying on topic .....

Yesterday scientists in Canada revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsence and couldn't drive.
:lol:
 

andyp

Active Member
This might come in handy too!

(apologies if some of the boxes don't come out)


APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:
I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:
Time of return
Date: Time of departure: NOT to exceed:

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be hacked off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.


Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Liquor Total

Locations to be visited



Females with whom conversation
is permitted

IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that it will cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers if I choose to ignore your rules & regulation. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards & cash whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you to a Robbie Williams concert, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my significant other), the above information is correct.
Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:


Request is: APPROVED DENIED

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
"……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:
Date: Time of departure: Time of return:

Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:
 
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