DEATH IN THE BOX - a tMP Murder Mystery


Active Member
The following, scrawled on the back of a half-eaten packet of pork scratchings and shoved under an anonymous door somewhere in the NorthWest, may go some way towards explaining the mysterious disappearance of BMB....

"The studio hummed as the audience milled around waiting for start of the new BadgerTalk with GeordieColin and NeilTwist as the hosts. Apparently no-one noticed the shortish, plumpish but devilish attractive woman dressed in black and white as she tripped over her high heels and landed, breathless and disordered in a front-row seat. She adjusted her heavy black veil and sat quietly, breathing heavily.

This was to be a controversial programme, "Is It Ever Acceptable To Play A Woodwind Instrument" and the audience were in a state of high excitement. This was partly due to the hash'n'bacon butties provided by Garbutts Butty Wagon in the carpark. But mainly due to GeordieColin and his new Talkshow Hosts Sparkly(TM) Gold Jacket.

As always, security was tight. Inspector Keppler and Chief Constable Twigglet had been tipped off about possible terrorist activity in the area and were watching each other carefully.
Suddenly the woman in black and white leapt to her feet with a shrill growl. "All brass is evil!" she squeaked, "Down with the MusicMan! Roger is sperm of the devil! We must all turn to the way of the penny-whistle before it is too late! Repent! REPENT! AAAAAARRGHGHGH!"

Up in the production room Twiggs and Kepplet... Twepps and Kigglet ... bollocks, Elin and Neal stared at each other in horror. The tip-off had been correct. Producer Kate-the-Horn rapped out an order "Keep those cameras rolling! Camera 3, pan for a close-up, Security on standby"
By this time the blackandwhite woman had got her hands round NeilTwists neck and was squeezing. And not in an affectionate way.

GeordieColin managed to grab the flailing woman and rip off her veil. It was BigMamaBadger! A mere wreck of her former self. A shadow. What could have happened to turn this once fine horn player into a rabid penny-whistle player? A player of (gasp) FOLK-MUSIC!

After repeated beating from Chief of Security Bagpuss's fishing-rod BMB had seemingly calmed down enough to be strapped into a chair. Kate-the-Horn made some complicated hand gestures intended to convey to the crew her desire for them to continue the show at any cost and to bring her a coffee and Danish right now. Ten minutes later as the crew returned from their coffee break, the cameras rolled once more and the hosts with the mosts got down to it with renewed vigour.

GeordieColin "So, where've you been for the last 3 months? Have you been merely trolling Is that your real veil? Why is your head revolving like that?"

BMB [Basso Profundo. Somewhere the scary bit from Tubular Bells is playing] "LEDIFNI GNIYALP-ENOBMORT UOY ESAERG EDILS TOH TAE!"
NeilTwist Come again?

BMB Thanks. Don't mind if I do [boom-boom]

[Enter Keppler and Twigglet]
Keppler I think we can shed some light on this. Ms Twigge, the big torch please [Twigglet brings out a big torch with a flourish and shines it straight into BMB's eyes][The torch, not the flourish. Do try to keep up]

Twigglet We believe this to be the work of SATMPDC. Are you, or have you ever been a member of SATMPDC? Do you have anything to declare? Are you carrying any fruit, tobacco or reptiles?

BMB I tell you nothing, brass monkey unbeliever demon.

Keppler Just answer the questions Mrs Badger. Particularly the one about the reptiles.

BMB You'll never find them. And the organisation you seek is called EATMPDC


BMB Employers Against The Mouthpiece Dot Com. A sinister and omnipotent off-shoot of SATMPDC. They it was showed me the error of my ways by placing tMP on the list of barred websites!! Thereby cutting me off from the illegal and unnatural practices, er, practised by the blasphemous and sacrilegious members of the cult of John. Ha ha!!!!!

GeordieColin Urrghg, you boc. You just spat in my Danish

By now it was clear that BigMamaBadger was hopelessly insane. She was probably incapable even of playing the Eb bass. EATMPDC had indeed done their work well. Cast and crew looked at one another in embarrassment. There was only one thing to do. Tough Love. De-Programming."

BMB has now been locked in her bandroom for the duration where she is being lovingly tended by the devoted members of her band. CD's of past area contest pieces are played constantly. Images of woodwind instruments are shown to her, accompanied by the application of nasty little electric shocks. She is encouraged to blow raspberries and receives chocolate when she responds positively to images of brass instruments and players.
While it is true that EATMPDC have indeed barred BMB from contacting tMP it is to be hoped she will eventually recover enough to visit a cyber café once in a while. This can be facilitated by making a donation of at least £5 to the BIgMamaBadger Opportunity Society (BIMBOS). BMB can be contacted on or through Jessop-Smythe.


Active Member
The delay in eps is purely cos I keep forgetting to get the computer out (and it's not working very well when I do!). I'm now back from holiday so expect more murders soon!

Rach x


Active Member
cornetgirl said:
expect more murders soon!

Rach x

not that I'm one to nag :roll: but... can we have some more murders please?? PLEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Supporting Member
This is superb, girls. I haven't laughed so much since one of my sisters got her hand trapped in the electric mangle and had to go to hospital :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

You've just got to keep going. It's fabulous.:bounce :terrier :woo :terrier :bounce

2nd man down

Staff member
Come on Rach!! you have me appear in one crummy tv show and then stop writing?!!? How am I going to be elevated to superstardom from that?!?!?

I want more gory deaths please, and more of me in the story too!!! :-D

oh, ok...just more story then.

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