Best insults to players from conductors

Aidan

Active Member
One of my fave's from Dave King "You're s**t, but I need ya!"
or the timeless "You're sh!t, but you've got potential.."
Most of kingy's best are slightly too risque for here to be fair.

*Edit*
Slight edit to maintain fff our policy. ;)

2md.
 
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Bayerd

Active Member
or the timeless "You're s**t, but you've got potential.."
Most of kingy's best are slightly too risque for here to be fair.

Agreed, took me a while to think of one I could put.

*Edit*
Slight edit to maintain fff our policy. ;)

2md.
 
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I was once told by my percussion instructor, "Its forte fortissimo not feeble female!"

I knew he was only joking but being the hot head that I am I gave him a mouthful on being sexist. We still laugh about it today! :lol:
 

toptutti

Member
After sticking a note in a GP I was told to pick myself off my seat, wonder over to my case, carefully place the cornet back in its case. Fasten the case. Lock it and pick it up. Carry it down the stairs and across the road to the station and wait on platform one and in about nine minutes the express to Holyhead would be passing and just before the train speeds past in front of me toss the case in front of the train – and for Gods sake, don’t let go!
 

2nd man down

Moderator
Staff member
While we appreciate that expletives may be an integral part of some of these insults/put downs, please also remember that we strive to keep this site a family friendly area.
With that in mind please try to keep the hint at expletives as vague as possible without ruining the general feel of the post. Please remember our younger members also read these posts.

Thank chaps.
2md.
 
another gem:

'that was bad. In fact, it was so bad, I'd like you to play it again, if only to check that you are, in fact, that ****, and that I wasn't asleep and suffering from some sort of nightmare'
 

Steveo

New Member
We had a bone who was having trouble sensing the ictus, and so was entering early. He also happenned to be a 35 year old virgin who still lived with his mum.

Curry: You ever had a girlfriend?
Bone: No.
Curry: Well if you ever get one you'll find you're premature there as well.
 

lowlybaritone

New Member
more of a joke than an insult, but its a good one:

"What do you call a percussionist with one stick?"

"The conductor."

sorry if its already been posted :), and that this one goes from player to conductor not the other way round, just thought i'd share it...
 
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Cornet Nev.

Member
To a percussionist- "Hit the b***** thing. If you go through the skin, good, there is plenty of fresh stuff on your back"
 

Deltabrass

Member
More confusing put down than anything but in Pines of Rome I got the following from the Conductor: 'Are you using wrong fingers son?'
I play trombone...

Also, on a tight concert stage the solo trom player didn't have enough room for his slide and ended up pointing at the audience (and then split a top D in Light Walk that echoed everywhere) and got the following at the interval:
'And you son! No pointing out at the audience! Who do you think you are? Don Lusher?'
 

Laserbeam bass

Active Member
Conductor to an audience:

As you're such a lively audience I think I will hold a seance to let you know about the next piece.


Band in stitches, audience unmoved.
 

Mesmerist

Well-Known Member
To a principal cornet struggling with nerves

"just blow the ****** thing no one ever died of blow back"
 

lilRobB

New Member
Charles Hine at EYPO-

Well Done Trombones, you managed to play the same note, in the same place, Together!!
 

Mephi

Member
Must admit most of mine are unprintable, from various conductors (several being from Mr Rushworth and aimed at me, but far better than any on this thread!). Most damning must have been a certain Dr King asking a backrow player, "What ya doin mate?" followed by, "I don't mean now, I mean what ya doing on this planet?!" As for Siany B's McCann comment, I heard that one years ago from Mr Snell at the RNCM - "Back Row, what is wrong with you - did you all have your brains removed at birth, I can't see the stitches?!" I thought it was funny until I realised I was on Rep! Was I included? I wasn't playing at that moment but you never knew with Howard! So who started that jibe - could a new thread be started? (Doubt it!)

This thread could be a record beater, just imagine the advert "Position required by tmp - censor, working on one thread, ten year contract, musn't be easily offended!"

To all those who have complained about this thread, and I say this in the nicest way - "Take off those rose tinted goggles, stay off the drugs and wake up! Your band must be lovely. Us others have either witnessed too many abusive and hilarious comments at such an early age that we are mentally scarred or we have been around too long and have picked up that many putdowns that we've forgotten them - or in my case, both!! It's not done me much harm! Gibbergibberquackquack!!"
 

Di B

Member
A recent one Conductor to a soloist "You sound like a three legged donkey"!!!
Or "your playing like a constipated duck" !!
Personally never had much experience with ducks ........

Hahaha! Forgot about the duck comment! Band was in hysterics! Guess your missus told you the legend! :)
 

Brass Band

New Member
What is your favourite "put-down" or insult you have ever heard in the band room from your conductor?

one I heard once(not to me mind you!)

"If you opened your Arban as much as you open your mouth you would be a much better player"

The best I heard was when the trombone section wasn't quite as together as thay shoyuld be:

You all sound as confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar !!!
it went doen like a bag of hammers!!
 

grandad

Member
Must admit most of mine are unprintable, from various conductors (several being from Mr Rushworth and aimed at me, but far better than any on this thread!). Most damning must have been a certain Dr King asking a backrow player, "What ya doin mate?" followed by, "I don't mean now, I mean what ya doing on this planet?!" As for Siany B's McCann comment, I heard that one years ago from Mr Snell at the RNCM - "Back Row, what is wrong with you - did you all have your brains removed at birth, I can't see the stitches?!" I thought it was funny until I realised I was on Rep! Was I included? I wasn't playing at that moment but you never knew with Howard! So who started that jibe - could a new thread be started? (Doubt it!)

This thread could be a record beater, just imagine the advert "Position required by tmp - censor, working on one thread, ten year contract, musn't be easily offended!"

To all those who have complained about this thread, and I say this in the nicest way - "Take off those rose tinted goggles, stay off the drugs and wake up! Your band must be lovely. Us others have either witnessed too many abusive and hilarious comments at such an early age that we are mentally scarred or we have been around too long and have picked up that many putdowns that we've forgotten them - or in my case, both!! It's not done me much harm! Gibbergibberquackquack!!"
:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

TOP DRAW!!!!
 

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