Bad Joke Thread....

Hells Bones

Active Member
Hey, no appolgies needed Hell Bones, thought they were great!

Indeed, they played very well, I was hoping that they would get the equaliser in the last few but it just seemed a little to far.

Why not plant it on Riise's left boot from outside the box?
From anywhere for that matter?


Why not plant it on Riise's left boot from outside the box?
From anywhere for that matter?

Ah well, it's beside the point now, can't undo it.
Fact is, to win a football match you have to put the ball in the back of the net more times than the opposition. Liverpool didn't AC did.


:oops: Sorry HB, didnt actually read that u were trom player!!:oops:

i'm not really a percussionist anyway, I'm a drummer, i go with the music and then find a beat that doesn't fit!!;)

Cornet Nev.

With apologies to the smaller folk in this world.

This morning on the way to work, I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention, anyway, the fella' driving got out... and was a dwarf!

He said "I'm not happy"...

I said "Well which one are you then?"


Supporting Member
A Joke (and quite funny too)

A young boy is searching his parents bedroom looking for hidden birthday presents, when he hears his Mum coming up the stairs with a man. So he hides in the Wardrobe.
All of a sudden the husband comes home so the wife hides her lover in the wardrobe, without knowing that her son is in there.

Boy - "It's dark here."
Lover - "Yes it is."
- "I've got a football."
- "That's nice."
- "Do you want to buy it?"
- "No, thanks."
- "My dad is outside."
- "Ok, how much?"
- "250 pounds."

After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe.

Boy - 'It's dark here."
Lover - "Yes it is."
- "I've got football boots."
Remembering what happened last time, man asks:
- "How much?"
- "250 pounds."
- "Ok."

After few days, father says to his son:
- "Lets go and play soccer."
- "I can't, I sold the ball and boots."
- "How much did you get?"
- "500 pounds."
- "That is terrible, how could you ask so much money.... that's much more than they are worth. That's a sin, so you should go to the church and confess."

Father takes his son to the church confessional.
Boy gets in, closes the door and says:

- "It's dark here."

Priest says:

- "Don't start that again!!!"


Active Member
A man goes to a Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."[/FONT] [FONT=Arial,Helvetica]The old man said without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."[/FONT]




A man was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned
to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said to the man, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the man. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the
same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh''t ?"


Active Member

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating- Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 2 friends. If you do not have 2 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.



Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "It'll be you're time soon."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!


A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Over 100 years ago......a black man being chased by 21 white men with hoods was called 'Ku Klux Klan'

Today we call it 'Formula 1'

(best thing to happen to british sport for years :tup, Go Lewis)

Bass Man

Active Member
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?.....

...... Put in in the microwave until it's 'Bill Withers'

Ha ha ha!


Staff member
The vicar was walking down his street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house. The boy was very short and the doorbell was too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, he vicar moved closer to the boy. He crossed the street, walked up behind the little fellow, placed his hand kind heartedly on the child's shoulder leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the vicar smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replied, "Now we run!"


Active Member
A panda walks into a pub, and goes up to the bar.

He asked the barman, "Have you seen my dad?"

The barman replied. "I don't know. What does he look like?" :rolleyes:


Active Member
Ok this is my first ever post in here! :p hope I can rise to your very high standards!

Little Johnny is five years old, he got lost one day in town, so very sensibly went up to a police officer and said 'I've lost me dad!' the police officer replied, 'what's he like?' little Johnny replied 'Beer and Ladies!'


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