Bad Joke Thread....

What monster will you find at the end of your finger?







The Bogey Man.

By far my favourite joke at the minute. Inoffensive and disgusting all in one. Brilliant.

Becci Beard
Cubbington Silver
2007 Midlands Area 4th Section Champions 2007
:clap:
 

DannyCollin

Member
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm ratted," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was very drunk. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub."
 

MaxPressure

Member
TRUE STORY............

> CURTAIN RODS---- PRICELESS
> She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates
>>>and suitcases.
> On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
> On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
> beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft
> background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,
> and a bottle of spring-water.
>
> When she had finished, she went into each and every room and
> deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the
> hollow of the curtain rods.
> She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband
> returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few
days.
> Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything;
> cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for
> dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung
> everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,
> during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they
> even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
>
> People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in

> the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any
> longer and decided to move.
> A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
> could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and
> eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
> Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
> purchase a new place.
>
> The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
> He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and
> said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to
> reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
>
> Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on

> a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but
> only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and
> within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
> A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they
> watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new
> home.........
> And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!
> I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
 

ronnie_the_lizard

Active Member
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat your normal amount for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 30 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaysuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doc.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"No, from all dat damn skippin'"
 

timbloke

Member
This one is from Chris (aka i'm not a manc!) - cheers, still makes me laugh.

Have you heard about the new website giving news, reviews and podcasts specifically for orchestral brass players....?














... www.104barsrest.com !
 

DaveR

Active Member
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for many years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the
smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning, post-fart, she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it
was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, as she was concerned
that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas
morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs
sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the parts of the
turkey which are not used - the neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare
parts , you know "The Giblets" - and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and,
gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband
of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts etc into the back of
them.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which
was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps
as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she
rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip
as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "You were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't
listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out,
and today it finally happened ...... but by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
 

andyp

Active Member
Bloke's eating his dinner when up comes his 4 year old daughter..

"Daddy, where does poo come from?"

Great, he thinks, here we go, meaning of life questions already. Oh well at least it's not the baby question. Now they always tell you not to lie to your kids....so....

"Well, love. You know you eat up all your dinner? Well your body takes out all the good things from your dinner and they make you big and strong so you can run about and play. Then all the bits that are left come out when you go to the toilet, and that's poo".

The little girl asks, shocked, "But what about Tigger?"
 

2nd man down

Moderator
Staff member
A dead man was found floating in the river Calder today. The body was dressed only in a Leeds Utd shirt, frilly knickers, stockings, suspenders, and high heeled shoes.

Police removed the Leeds shirt to spare the family of the deceased any undue embarrasment.
 

Cornet Nev.

Member
A chap out for a walk bumps into a pal, who just has the one arm. "So, what are you up to?" says the man. "I'm going to change a light bulb," his pal replied. Slightly concerned, he asks: "Won't that be difficult, with just one arm?" "I shouldn't think so," his pal replied. "I've still got the receipt."
 

Bryan_sop

Active Member
A Police car pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway.

Glancing at the car he was astonished to see that the blond behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolled down his window and shouted "Pullover!".

The blonde rolled down her window and yelled back "No, it's a scarf!".
 

Hells Bones

Active Member
Apologies to all Liverpool fans, specially Ian Perks!!!

But

Attention!: Open top double decker bus available due to a late Cancellation.
Please call 0151 2-1 2-1 2-1
 
Last edited:

Hells Bones

Active Member
very witty! :clap: :clap:

I do apologise, I just thought it was a good one. my mate came up with one for Arsenal

Are you an Arsenal fan in distress?
Do You need help?
Please call 0800 10 10 10
That's
0800 Won Nothing, Won Nothing, Won Nothing
 

Hells Bones

Active Member
I do apologise, I just thought it was a good one. my mate came up with one for Arsenal

Are you an Arsenal fan in distress?
Do You need help?
Please call 0800 10 10 10
That's
0800 Won Nothing, Won Nothing, Won Nothing

And one for Man U (My team)
Do you have an unquenchable thirst for doubles?
Please call 0800 1-0 1-0 1-0
or
0800 376 422 (any ideas about this one?)
 

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