Bad Joke Thread....

MaxPressure

Member
Two blokes sitting in a pub, one turns to the other and says,
" you know..... my missus is a real angel"
the other bloke turns round and replies,
" you lucky git.... mine is still alive "
 

Bryan_sop

Active Member
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
 

MaxPressure

Member
I have a spelling chequer,
It came with my PC,
It plainly Marx four my revue
Miss takes eye can knot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm shore yore pleased too no;
It's letter perfect in it's weigh,
My chequer tolled me sew.
 

Easy Slider

New Member
A blonde and a chap working in an office.

Chap: I'm fed up with this, I'm going to hang from the ceiling, pretend to be a light bulb, and the boss will send me home thinking I'm mad!

Boss comes in....: What's up with him??

Blonde: He's gone mad - he thinks he's a light bulb
Boss :- well he better go home then!

Blonde gets up to go out the office...

Boss: Where d'ya think you're going?

Blonde: Well, you don't expect me to work in the dark do you??
 

dyl

Active Member
Typical English 30 something male, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday.

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After an hour or so of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I made a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes . He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean......." he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.





















"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well"
 

John Brooks

Well-Known Member
Sorry if this is a repeat:

Only a person in North Dakota could think of this. From the county
where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Minot, North
Dakota after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar
so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a
fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other
patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and administered a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man
had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck.
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
 

John Brooks

Well-Known Member
Questions and Answers re the 2010 Olympics.

Vancouver will host the 2010 Winter Olympics and these are some questions people from all over the world are asking about Canada. They were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!


Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)

A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch
them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad
tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q:It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list
of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)

A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada?(England)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada?(USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
 

dyl

Active Member
[FONT=Tahoma, Arial] Two chimps get into a bath. One says,
"Ooo, aa, ee, oo, aaa, eee, aaah, oooh".
The other replies, "Put some cold water in, then!'
[/FONT]
 

Bryan_sop

Active Member
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
 

Hells Bones

Active Member
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

I take it they were being executed by firing line
 

grahammck

Member
A personal favourite of mine, this. I don't think this is on already, but apologies if it is.

A man walks into a drum kit:

doo-doo-doo-doom-tssssss (say it quickly ;))
 

andywooler

Supporting Member
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing
a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well
I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin"

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
 

Bryan_sop

Active Member
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
 

Tom-King

Well-Known Member
Well, as everyone knows, the pakistani cricket team had a tough time with cricket at the world cup.
So, they've given up on it. But, being professional sportsmen, they're decided to take up bobsleighing instead....
( read it out if you dont get it :p )


Though, despite their woeful performances, atleast the Pakistani's can claim that they were the first and only team to return from the Cricket world cup with the ashes...
 

Hells Bones

Active Member
Well, as everyone knows, the pakistani cricket team had a tough time with cricket at the world cup.
So, they've given up on it. But, being professional sportsmen, they're decided to take up bobsleighing instead....
( read it out if you dont get it :p )


Though, despite their woeful performances, atleast the Pakistani's can claim that they were the first and only team to return from the Cricket world cup with the ashes...

Ouch, very Ouch
 

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