Bad Joke Thread....

dazzyboy

Member
Hehe i suspected that was the answer, but the way it was worded didn't make sense. 'take the S and the F out of way'. Ah well. Care to explain Will's Bike joke now?

That still isn't it...*sighs


Take the S out of safe and the F out of way

*Person then thinks......takes the S out of Safe to make Afe then tries to take the F out of 'way'...but hang on a mo there's a bit of a dilemma Where's the F in way?....person then transmits this thought it verbal communication and says...(drum roll for the punch line)...There's no F in Way

*Stunned silence

*Waits for an inkling of a titter..........sighs picks up his joke and puts it over his shoulder, watches a tumble weed pass by and trudges off, closing the door on the bad joke thread behind him.
 
Last edited:

Flutey

Active Member
That still isn't it...*sighs


Take the S out of safe and the F out of way

*Person then thinks......takes the S out of Safe to make Afe then tries to take the F out of 'way'...but hang on a mo there's a bit of a dilemma Where's the F in way?....person then transmits this thought it verbal communication and says...(drum roll for the punch line)...There's no F in Way

*Stunned silence

*Waits for an inkling of a titter..........sighs picks up his joke and puts it over his shoulder, watches a tumble weed pass by and trudges off, closing the door on the bad joke thread behind him.
That post made me laugh more than the joke!!! :tongue:
 

Dave 2nd2nd Cornet

Active Member
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Yep! Same for me," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big **** and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 

dazzyboy

Member
*opens door to joke thread slightly.............. peers in to see if anyones about...............enters quickly..... Gets joke out of bag and posts it

Q. What's Green, got six legs and'll kill ya if it jumps out of a tree?!?!?!?!?!?





A. A snooker table


* Puts joke back in bag and tip toes out.
 

Bryan_sop

Active Member
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
 

Bryan_sop

Active Member
Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!"

Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck.

Jock prays again: "Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders: "Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"
 

dazzyboy

Member
Mr Bear and Mr Rabbit are wandering through the magical forest minding there own business when all of a sudden they come across a clearing in the forest.

The sun shone down into this clearing and in the middle was a rock and upon this rock was a shiny kettle like object glimmering in light.

Both Mr Bear and Mr Rabbit were amazed at this find and picked up the shiny kettle. Mr Bear rubbed the kettle and - as usual in these kind of stories - there was a puff of smoke.

When the smoke had clear a frog with a crown upon his head sat there with a glazed expression upon his face.

"You have awoken me from my eternal slumber and therefore I have to grant you 3 wishes each."

Mr Bear and Mr Rabbit looked at each other in amazement! Mr Bear quickly shouted "I wish all the female Bears in the magical forest were attracted to me!"

A bang and a blinding explosion followed

"Done" said the frog

"It is now Mr rabbit's turn" said the frog

Mr Rabbit paused, thoughtful for a moment, and said "I wish for a motorcycle helmet"

"Granted!" said the frog and with a puff of smoke Mr rabbit had perfect rabbit sized helmet upon his head.

Mr bear then excitedly made his 2nd wish#

"I wish all the female bears in the Magical Kingdom would lust after me"

another puff of smoke followed and the wish was granted

Mr Rabbit then had his 2nd wish

"I wish for a Harley Davidson!"

In an instant a roaring Harley appear between Mr Rabbits legs!

"Third wish Mr bear"

"I wish all the female bears in the world would worship me and fancy me and would do anything to be with me, make all female bears in the world attracted to ME!"

"Your wish is my command" croaked the frog.

"Your final wish Mr Rabbit..."

"I wish..........." Mr Rabbit paused...fastened his Helmet and revved the Harley......"I wish.That Mr Bear was Gay!!!!" before speeding off into the distance.
 

Bryan_sop

Active Member
10 Guinness' in 10 Minutes

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar.

A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure," he says.

So the bartender lines 10 Guinness' up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"

The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."
 

Will the Sec

Active Member
There are severe delays on the Distrcit Line due to a Points Failure at West Ham.



Oxo are making a new stock cube in Claret and Blue.

It's called "Laughing Stock".
 

John Brooks

Well-Known Member
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman ever since.

******
A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

******
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
 

BrianT

Member
A man walks into a bakery and says "Do you have a green loaf, please?" The Baker shakes his head, and replies, "Sorry, we're all out of green loaves. I've only got blue ones left.?" The man says "That's OK. I've got my bike with me."

On a similar theme - years ago I ordered a burger in MacDonalds. I specifically asked that it be served without relish. Without batting an eyelid the girl behind the counter said "We don't have relish - you'll have to have it without mayonnaise instead." No, really.
 

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