Bad Joke Thread....

jmb83

Member
A friend of mine has left his wife because of another woman.................her mum!

Whats the difference between in-laws and out-laws?
Out-laws are wanted

Bought the wife a new chair..................she hasn't let me plug it in yet!

Guess who I bumped into in Specsavers?
Everyone!!
 

Hells Bones

Active Member
A friend of mine has left his wife because of another woman.................her mum!

Whats the difference between in-laws and out-laws?
Out-laws are wanted

Bought the wife a new chair..................she hasn't let me plug it in yet!

Guess who I bumped into in Specsavers?
Everyone!!

Guess who I saw today............ Everyone I looked at!!! :biggrin:
 

John Brooks

Well-Known Member
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough considering women are always
complaining about men staring at their boobs and not listening to them.
 

Hells Bones

Active Member
A woman was in hospital when her husband went to see her.
"How's the cat?" She asked
"It's dead!" he replied
"Oh you cruel thing!" the woman wailed
"What? I didn't kill it!"
"Well, you could have broken the news a little gentler. The first day you could have said that Pussy got stuck on the roof. Then on the second day you could have said that the firemen got Pussy down, then on the third day you could have said that the excitement was too much for Pussy, and he passed away."

"Oh" the husband replied, "I'll keep that in mind then"
"How's my mother?" asked the woman
The husband replied

"She's on the roof"
 

MRSH

Supporting Member
A woman called a local hospital --

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, Room 302."

"I'll connect you to the nursing station".

"Third floor nursing station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is very well. In fact she had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine. She is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours, and if she continues this improvement, Dr Cohen is going to send her home on Tuesday."

The woman said "What a relief. Oh, that's fantastic. That's wonderful news."

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it, you are a close family member, or are you a very close friend?"

"Neither. I'm Sarah Finkel in Room 302. Nobody tells me ****"...........


Now that's funny.
 

TheMusicMan

tMP Founder
Staff member
I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday... "I'd love to be eight again" she replied. So on the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a wonderful Day!

He put her on every ride in the park:

The Death Slide...

The Wall of Fear...

The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster...

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked... "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you silly twit"

The moral of this story: Even when a man is Listening, he's still going to get it wrong.
wavey.gif
 

dazzyboy

Member
Q. How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway carrier bag?

A. You take the S out of Safe and the F out of way




..............................(!)............(?)
 

Will the Sec

Active Member
A man walks into a bakery and says "Do you have a green loaf, please?" The Baker shakes his head, and replies, "Sorry, we're all out of green loaves. I've only got blue ones left.?" The man says "That's OK. I've got my bike with me."
 

Cantonian

Active Member
A woman called a local hospital --

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, Room 302."

"I'll connect you to the nursing station".

"Third floor nursing station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is very well. In fact she had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine. She is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours, and if she continues this improvement, Dr Cohen is going to send her home on Tuesday."

The woman said "What a relief. Oh, that's fantastic. That's wonderful news."

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it, you are a close family member, or are you a very close friend?"

"Neither. I'm Sarah Finkel in Room 302. Nobody tells me ****"...........


Now that's funny.

This shouldn't be in the Bad Joke thread as this is exactly what happens in real life!!!!
 

jingleram

Active Member
The F out of way? I don't geddit.



think carefully about it
Am trying, still not getting it. Maybe a PM would put me out of my misery! Maybe it's just not my day as am struggling to make sense of Will's bike joke either. Garrr I'm going to go back to sleep.
 

Flutey

Active Member
Am trying, still not getting it. Maybe a PM would put me out of my misery! Maybe it's just not my day as am struggling to make sense of Will's bike joke either. Garrr I'm going to go back to sleep.
So it's not only me struggling with those two!
 

PeterBale

Moderator
Staff member
Am trying, still not getting it. Maybe a PM would put me out of my misery! Maybe it's just not my day as am struggling to make sense of Will's bike joke either. Garrr I'm going to go back to sleep.

I think if I had an elephant coming towards me I would certainly "get the F out of the way" - although I might word it rather differently!
 

MRSH

Supporting Member
This shouldn't be in the Bad Joke thread as this is exactly what happens in real life!!!!
I know - but all my real like stories - very funny though they may be - always seem to get moved to the bad joke thread so I thought I'd save them the bother ;)
 

gawber

Active Member
A lonely widow, aged 82, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel-chair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you ... You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...
 

John Brooks

Well-Known Member
I think if I had an elephant coming towards me I would certainly "get the F out of the way" - although I might word it rather differently!

..........and then there was silly me waiting for a mod to delete it, since this is a family forum ;) so I assume you mean "get the flippineck out of the way"? :)
 

jingleram

Active Member
I think if I had an elephant coming towards me I would certainly "get the F out of the way" - although I might word it rather differently!
Hehe i suspected that was the answer, but the way it was worded didn't make sense. 'take the S and the F out of way'. Ah well. Care to explain Will's Bike joke now?
 

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