Bad Joke Thread....

John Brooks

Well-Known Member
Some one liners:

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive!

I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing!

Stupidity is not a handicap; park elsewhere!

They called it PMS because mad-cow disease was already taken.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
 

gawber

Active Member
In light of the news of the so-called human cloning going on, I have to ask the hypothetical question. If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be:

a. murder
b. Suicide, or
c. merely making an obscene clone fall


 

Bryan_sop

Active Member
Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.

Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Jones is first.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Mr. Jones' mother-in-law's turn.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mr. Jones himself.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"

"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."

"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"

"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."
 
BOB'S STORY.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of house-keeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over sensitive and there is nothing worse than an over sensitive woman. My name is Bob. Let me tell you how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took early retirement last year it became necessary for Debbie to get a full time job along with her part-time job, to enable us to maintain a decent standard of living. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf-course about the same time as she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am she says she has to rest for a half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her or complain. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets the dinner on the table. I usually have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club but I am always ready for some home cooked food when I get home. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the dinner table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her many times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I think she really appreciates this as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of ageing is complaining, For example, she says it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But lads, we take them for better or worse so just smile and offer encouragement. I advise her to stretch it out over two or even three days - that way she won't rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her. Tact is one of my strong points! When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the garden. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair-minded man. I tell her to make herself a nice big glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and take a breather. And if she is making one for herself she can make one for me too. I know I probably look like a saint for the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying for a moment that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. Nobody knows more than me how frustrating women become as they get older. However fellas, if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article I will consider that writing it, was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed: Bob
>>
Note: Bob died suddenly last July. The Garda report says that he was found with a Callaway extra long 50" Big Bertha driver Golf Club rammed up his backside with only two inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder. However, the all women jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Bob had accidentally sat down on it.
 

jmb83

Member
Evening Classes for Women....

Note: Due to the intense nature of the course material, each session has a maximum of eight participants.

Topic 1: Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

Topic 2: The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

Topic 3: Parties: Going Without New Outfits

Topic 4: Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

Topic 5: Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

Topic 6: Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

Topic 7: Telephone Skills - How to hang up in less than 30 minutes

Topic 8: Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

Topic 9: Oil and Fuel: Your Car Needs Both

Topic 10: Introduction to Parking

Topic 11: Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

Topic 12: Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

Topic 13: Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Own

Topic 14: Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

Topic 15: Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

Topic 16: Cooking: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

Topic 17: TV Remotes: For Men Only.

:p :D ;)
 

PeterBale

Moderator
Staff member
Picked up this morning from another forum:

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy."

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

17. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

18. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."

19. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."

20. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night.
 

MarkGillatt

Member
An old man sitting at the shopping centre watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
 

Bryan_sop

Active Member
Happy as a Clam

Then there is researcher Peter Fong, who has given new meaning to the expression "happy as a clam." The Gettysburg College biologist stumbled onto the fact that molluscs reproduce at 10 times their normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water.

Fong was pursuing research on the basic nervous system of fingernail clams when he discovered that if he dumped the antidepressant into the water, the clams would start reproducing madly.

"It's a piece of wonderful science and it sounds utterly ridiculous at the same time," Abrahams said.

Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove to work. I turned on the radio to listen to my favourite rock station but they were playing Rockabilly which I absolutely detest.

So I decided to ram the dial for something better and happened to tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about government waste of funds on useless research projects.

He was objecting to congress funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, PA , that was feeding clams and other molluscs large doses of Prozac to determine its effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of government waste.

I immediately phoned him on my cellular phone and found myself on the air.

The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was very important as it was essential to determine if Prozac was effective as a mussel relaxant.
 

bigmamabadger

Active Member
A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road.
On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.
"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds, "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."
 

GingerMaestro

Active Member
I booked a table for me and the wife for a lovely valentines night out
I hope it goes better than last year she only potted 3 balls
 

Bryan_sop

Active Member
Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CDs?.....In Iraq

Why did god create Adam before Eve?.....to give him a chance to speak!

What did the Buddhist say to the hot-dog seller?......Make me one with everything.

Well...it is bad jokes

*coat*
 
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