Bad Joke Thread....


New Member
I aven't read all of the jokes on here so im sorry if this one had already been put on. It's one of my dads favourite jokes.

Q. Whats pink and fluffy???

A. Pink fluff

Hehe it had to be done.


New Member
True story

A mate of arrested for causing GBH at a recent chess convention. He went downstairs into the main foyer of the hotel and said there were all these chess types bragging about how good they were and how many matches they had won etc etc.

He saw red and beat several of them up before being restrained by the Police. When questioned as to why he did this, he said

"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"

Anno Draconis

Well-Known Member
Against my better judgement, here are my wife's 2 favourite jopkes:

Whats red and invisible?
No tomatoes.

What's green and goes "bang, bang, bang, bang"?
A four door apple.



Active Member
I came home from band the other night and saw four guys taking my gate off it's hinges. I didn't say anything to them as I didn't want them to take a fence


Apologies if posted on the last 65 pages:-

Have you tried "Chicken Tarka"?
It's like Chicken Tika, but it's a little 'otter.
Bloke: "Now then vettunry, 'ave cum about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a Tom?"
Bloke: "No, it's in this bag."


And - my favourite (Again apologies if posted in the last 65 pages!)

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Border Policeman stops them and tells them "It'sa illegal to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Idiot! Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

"You canta pull thata one on me!" replies the policeman. "Quattro meansa four. You hava five peoples ina your car and you are therefore breaka the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "Schweinhund! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone mit more intelligence!"

"I'ma Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday.
She spends £5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, several months later, she stops at a news stand
to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you
don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and ask s the
counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."

"Nope, I'm 47."

Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a
chemist on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get
some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds,
"Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but, thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the
same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman
was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands
under your bra, then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets
the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra
and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says: "Okay, okay .
how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts,
removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says,"That was incredible, how
could you tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"No, I won't get mad," she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."


Active Member
Apologies if this is listed in the previous 64 pages...


Husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room,
but they only planned to sleep for four hours, and then get back on the

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill
for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350.00. When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the
man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes onto explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the
hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas
perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay-he writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is
surprised when he looks at the cheque.
"But sir," he says, "this cheque is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping
with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here, and you could have."


tMP Founder
Staff member
Patient: 'Doctor, Doctor, I tend to flush a lot...'

Doctor: 'Oh don't worry about that, it's just a chain reaction...!!'


Only in Britain.......

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of skating rinks.


3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery still works, by using their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all of the pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas trees while the fairy lights were still plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

and finally.........

In the year 2000, 8 Brits cracked their skulls whilst throwing up into the toilet.

Hells Bones

Active Member
A suicide bomber turned up in customs at Heathrow. A security guard thought he looked a bit shift so he pulled the bomber to one side.

"Can you please tell me your name sir?"

"Certainly, I am Napolean Blownapart"


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says:
"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Boyfriend asks:
"What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

Blonde says:
"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says:

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

Then he takes her hand and says:
"Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea,
and then let's put all these Frosties back in the box."



Active Member
[FONT=Tahoma, Arial] Q: Why should you never replace your sandwich toaster?
A: Better the Breville you know.


Supporting Member
A man goes to the Doctor and says Doc, everytime I go to the toilet my poo comes out like chips!

Doc says, Drop your trousers and lets have a look.

I see the problem, says the Doc. You need a shorter string vest.


Active Member
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out - Fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc. but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and give them lap dances. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say..."


Supporting Member
Gawber you cheated! That's not a bad joke, it's a good one and unfortunately, probably true too.

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