Bad Joke Thread....


tMP Founder
Staff member
OK.... with the proliferation of really baaaaaad jokes here on tMP now, I thought we could keep them all in one place.. so let's have this thread as the residence for our worst bad jokes.

I'm looking for a starter for 10.... Dave P. maybe... :roll:

Dave Payn

Active Member
Only too happy to oblige.

Q. What's got four legs and flies?

A. A dead horse.

A man breaks wing extremely loudly at the bar. Another man taps in on the shoulder and says rather indignantly:

'Excuse me! You Just f@rted in front of my wife'. to which the first man says:

'Sorry, I didn't realise it was her turn.'

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when,on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.

He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks
at his watch for a moment. The women notices this and asks, "Is your
date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this
state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman
says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond
explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady
says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing
any undies..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken
because I am wearing knickers!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says,
"Bl**dy thing's an hour fast."

A man was walking down the street, when a Big Issue seller stopped him and said "Big Issue-Help the homeless"
Having only a £50 note the man said " I ain't got any change, only large notes"
The begrudged seller says " The amount of people that say that, what are you a comedian?"
The man says" As a matter of fact I am a comedian...I'll tell you a joke if you like"
Homeless guy " Lets hear it then"

Man "Knock! Knock!"

Guy "Who's there?"

Man "I thought you were supposed to be homeless"

And there's more.... if you're not careful!

Dave Payn

Active Member
A man breaks wing extremely loudly at the bar. Another man taps in on the shoulder and says rather indignantly:

'Excuse me! You Just f@rted in front of my wife'. to which the first man says:

'Sorry, I didn't realise it was her turn.'

That g should have been a 'd'....... excus the misprit. Sory.


This is actually true, but still a bad joke from my father. My dad has not embraced technology at all in any shame or form.............however he thinks hes invented his own email address (yes I know it´s not an email address but sometimes you have to humour your parents!!!!) Anyway here it is

www.forward slash but only in the

He thinks its hilarious and keeps telling the same joke :roll:


Active Member
Kids at my school think it's hilarious to walk around going "Miss, you've stepped in your shoe". I kid you not.

Dave Payn

Active Member
A blonde is given a mobile phone for Christmas from her boyfriend, Kevin. After eventually learning how to use it, she decides to take it with her outside for the first time. Whilst shopping in the supermarket, she hears her phone ring. She picks it up and answers it, it's Kevin.

'Hi honey. How are you doin'? Just wanted to see how you are!'

'I'm fine, Kev, but how did you know I was in Tescos'?


Active Member
Q: What's got 22 legs and flies?
A: 11 pairs of trousers.

Q: How do you make toast in the jungle?
A: Stick it under the gorilla.

Q: Why aren't there any aspirin in the jungle?
A: 'Cos the parrots ate 'em all.


Larry La Prise who wrote the Hokey Cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started!


Supporting Member
Tranmere fan, an Everton fan and a LIverpool fan agree to do a test with a lie detector.
The Tranmere fan sits down an says, " I think that we'll be in the Premiership in 2 seasons time" After which the red light comes on the lie detector.
The Everton fan sits down an says, " I think that were gonna win the European Champions League next season" and again the red light flashes on the detector.
Finally, the kopite sits down an says " I think.... " and the lie detector explodes in his face! :lol:

Dave Payn

Active Member
Older and older.......

If Cher was to stand next to her waxwork model, would it be 'Cher and Cher alike'?

How do elephants hide in cherry trees?

By painting their toenails red.

How did Tarzan die?

Picking cherries.....


Supporting Member
I can do blonde jokes for ever, but most are way too smutty to go on here!

Please speak very slowly........I'm a natural blonde :wink:


tMP Founder
Staff member
Gawd, I only started this thread a little while ago ... me thinks it's gonna turn into a classic... :lol:


Active Member
super_sop said:
Tranmere fan, an Everton fan and a LIverpool fan agree to do a test with a lie detector......
Yes, yes, very clever Craig! This is the bad joke thread after all! ;) Sorry to go off-topic, but I'll have to stick some good ones in retaliation:

Q. How do you know ET's a bluenose?
A. 'Cos he looks like one

Burglars last night cleaned out the Trophy Room at Woodison after a daring night time raid. Police are looking for two men with a rolled up blue carpet under their arms.

Liverpool and Everton fan talking on a phone in about where their respective clubs will be in two years time.
Everton : I hope we stay up this season and Moyes gets some money to go out and buy a few decent players. Hopefully Rooney will do well next Summer in 2004 and help promote the name of Everton all over Europe.
Liverpool : I hope we win the Prem, FAC and UEFA again this season. Next season we go totally undefeated in the Prem winning it by a record number of points and win the FAC also. In Europe we win the CL without dropping a point, no goals conceded and beat Real Madrid in the final 6-0. We then beat Flamenco in the world Supercup thing and the team makes a record that goes to #1 all over the world and GH is Knighted and Owen & Gerrard both get OBE's and ......
Host : Hold on - aren't you exagerating now ?
Liverpool : Yeah but the Bluenose started it.

............more later!


Supporting Member
ok ok ok even more good ones just for our rednose fans!

An Everton fan and Liverpool fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the redshite fan says, "So you're a Everton fan, that's interesting. I'm a Liverpool fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Everton fan replied,"Totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" The Everton fan went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"

He hands the bottle to the Liverpool fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Everton fan. The Everton fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the redshite fan. The redshite fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Everton fan replies, "Nah...I think I'll just wait for the police......" :lol:

and a quicky...........

Phil Thompson went to the Liverpool Xmas party last season dressed as a pumpkin. Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach :lol:

more to follow................ :wink:

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