Only too happy to oblige.
Q. What's got four legs and flies?
A. A dead horse.
A man breaks wing extremely loudly at the bar. Another man taps in on the shoulder and says rather indignantly:
'Excuse me! You Just f@rted in front of my wife'. to which the first man says:
'Sorry, I didn't realise it was her turn.'
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when,on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.
Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks
at his watch for a moment. The women notices this and asks, "Is your
date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this
state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman
says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond
explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady
says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing
any undies..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken
because I am wearing knickers!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says,
"Bl**dy thing's an hour fast."
A man was walking down the street, when a Big Issue seller stopped him and said "Big Issue-Help the homeless"
Having only a £50 note the man said " I ain't got any change, only large notes"
The begrudged seller says " The amount of people that say that, what are you a comedian?"
The man says" As a matter of fact I am a comedian...I'll tell you a joke if you like"
Homeless guy " Lets hear it then"
Man "Knock! Knock!"
Guy "Who's there?"
Man "I thought you were supposed to be homeless"
And there's more.... if you're not careful!
