Australia?

MRSH

Supporting Member
Apologies if these have been here before but I haven't seen these and they're hilarious.


These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie. (in brackets show the country where the question was coming from)

===============================================

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
---
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the streets? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
---
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water with you.
---
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
---
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
---
6. Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
---
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific, which does not...... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked!
---
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face South and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send you the rest of the directions.
---
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
---
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tria is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is.... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked!
---
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink !
---
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
---
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
---
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: only at Christmas.
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16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them !
---
17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
---
18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
---
19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
---
20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
---
21. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
 

lynchie

Active Member
excellent! getting more funny looks for laughing at my desk... it's just a funny spreadsheet, honest...
 
Extremely useful info there! :wink:

I will be spending the month of October in Oz!

I take my research seriously and had a kangaroo burger the other weekend <delicious>.

Janet
 

Okiedokie of Oz

Active Member
:!: YOU WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! :evil: :evil: :!:

:!: I am sooooooo telling Customs and immigration to stop a Ms Janet Watkins from entering our prescious homeland!!! You killed an Aussie Icon!!!! Do you see me hopping on over to the UK to snipe on her Majesty's corgies???? DO YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! :evil: :evil: :!:
 

jambo

Member
Ha ha, had an osterich burger once, tasted like steak though. How was the Roo Burger?

Aussie icon it may be but over there isn't the rule...if it moves, it's food? :wink: :D
 

Liz Courts

Active Member
MRSH said:
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: only at Christmas.
I like this one - partly because it reminds me that Christmas dinner in Australia = a BBQ on the beach!! :D :D :D
 

PeterBale

Moderator
Staff member
Okiedokie of Oz said:
:!: YOU WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! :evil: :evil: :!:

:!: I am sooooooo telling Customs and immigration to stop a Ms Janet Watkins from entering our prescious homeland!!! You killed an Aussie Icon!!!! Do you see me hopping on over to the UK to snipe on her Majesty's corgies???? DO YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! :evil: :evil: :!:
Funnily enough, I haven't read of any moves to cull corgis because they are causing a nuisance either :shock: :wink: :lol:
 

lynchie

Active Member
PeterBale said:
Okiedokie of Oz said:
:!: YOU WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! :evil: :evil: :!:

:!: I am sooooooo telling Customs and immigration to stop a Ms Janet Watkins from entering our prescious homeland!!! You killed an Aussie Icon!!!! Do you see me hopping on over to the UK to snipe on her Majesty's corgies???? DO YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! :evil: :evil: :!:
Funnily enough, I haven't read of any moves to cull corgis because they are causing a nuisance either :shock: :wink: :lol:
I think it's about time someone started one then...
 

akwarose

Active Member
lol!!! hi lary bus :p

particularly loved the hippo racing one and the Vienna Boys Choir schedule one :p
 
jambo said:
Ha ha, had an osterich burger once, tasted like steak though. How was the Roo Burger?
Like very good quality steak but with a gamey flavour! <yum>

Apparently it an extremely healthy meat having a very low cholesterol content.

Maybe we will need our wits about us when we drive from Sydney to Melbourne :shock:



Janet
 

DublinBass

Supporting Member
I got that most of these are jokes, but am still confused about a few. I thought it might be because I have an Americentric viewpoint of the world and of course no formal geographic education, but then I consulted a map from one of our US textbooks (below) and find I still don't understand questions #7, 8 & 10??



MRSH said:
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific, which does not...... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked!
---
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face South and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send you the rest of the directions.
---
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tria is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is.... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked!
---
Oh, one other question about #3
MRSH said:
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water with you.
Do those railroad tracks go via Kings Cross? Because the probably sell water at a big station there. Oh yeah, and can I safely see the Drop Bear from the tracks without getting attacked?

Thanks for any help you can give me addressing these questions :wink:
 

Okiedokie of Oz

Active Member
BBCbariUSA said:
I got that most of these are jokes, but am still confused about a few. I thought it might be because I have an Americentric viewpoint of the world and of course no formal geographic education, but then I consulted a map from one of our US textbooks (below) and find I still don't understand questions #7, 8 & 10??
OK let's have a looksie.....


MRSH said:
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific, which does not...... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked!
If you use your imagination, Africa is a triangle, or at least a triangle on a trapezoid type shape.....or are you asking me to explain King's Cross?????
:wink: :wink: :wink:
---


MRSH said:
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face South and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send you the rest of the directions.
This one I don't get, I think it's just a play on someone's stupidity
 
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