Another couple

[Dave Payn]

(Sorry, I know these should go on the existing bad joke thread, but it's been quiet here this afternoon!)

A man walked into a public toilet where he found two
cubicles, of
which one was already occupied. So he entered the other one, closed
the door, dropped
his trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to him: "Hello mate, how are you
going?"

He thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude he replied

"Yeah, not too bad thanks." After a short pause, he heard the voice
again:

"So, what are you up to mate?"

Again he answered; somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what
to say, he replied "Umm, I'm just having a quick dump, mate. How about
yourself?"

He then heard the voice for the third time....."Sorry mate, I'll have
to call you back. I've got some **** in the cubicle next to me
answering everything I say."




Two women are looking into the window of a dress shop. Pointing excitedly into the window one of the women exclaims "That's the one I'd get!".

Then a cyclops jumped out and ate her.




Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the patio.The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F*** ***!", the dog ate him!"

 

[Dave Payn]

Another!

Three tortoises, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cakes, bottles of beer, and sandwiches.

The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the tortoises take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe starts to takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one.

He takes out the beers and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' I didn't bring the bottle opener, Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the tortoises are stuck ten miles away from home without a drink. Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

After about two hours, the tortoises manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand tortoises' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steady. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.

Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'

Five more days pass. Joe realises that Raymond probably stopped in the first cafe he saw, so the two tortoises weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says 'I knew it! I'm not bloody going.'

 

[Sam Atherton]

Where on earth do you get all these from? Most of them are too long to have come off lollipop sticks!

 

[Naomi McFadyen]

:lol:
Brilliant!