Ancient conductor gags

Dave Payn

Active Member
....just in case there are some who haven't seen them before!


How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but, then again, who's really watching?

What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in front and the ass in back.

Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet in the earth?
Because DEEP DOWN he was a nice guy.

What's the difference between a dead conductor in the road and a dead snake in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the difference between a band director and a bag of fertilizer?
The bag.

How's a conductor like a condom?
It's safer with one but more fun without!

One of the members of the symphony calls the front office asking for the conductor. The receptionist informs him that the conductor is dead. The next day, he calls again, asking for the conductor. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, the conductor is dead". The musician calls on the next day, again asking for the conductor. The exasperated receptioninst says, "Look, why do you keep calling here? I'm telling you, the conductor is DEAD!! To which, the symphony member calmly replied, "I just really enjoy hearing you say that!".

In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as "strings". Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as "percussionists". Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn't even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.

There once was a conductor who was in the middle of his prime, and, feeling that he had accomplished a lot, decided to write a personal letter to God. He told Him of all the joy he's had molding voices, annoying instrumentalists and his of his life's ambition to create a style of conducting so unique that even himself could not recognize it. He then ended his letter saying he knew exactly how it felt to be God. The conductor then had a terrible fall and passed away. As he reached the Pearly gates an angel appeared and the conductor said, "Hey, you look just like Bach!" Another angel appeared, and soon he was surounded by tons of famous musicians. He then walked through the Pearly gates, and there in front of him was a man with grey hair, tails and a bow tie. "Who's that?", the conductor asked. An angel replied, "Oh... that's God ... pretending to be a conductor.

A conductor died and went to Hell. He was handcuffed for the rest of eternity with a scolding hag. Later he saw Fritz Reiner handcuffed with Marilyn Monroe.
When he approached the Devil and complained of the alleged injustice, he was told, "Marilyn Monroe's punishment is none of your business!"

A man and a boy were taking a walk through the cemetery. The boy said, "Look, Daddy, here's a grave where two people are buried!" The father said, "Two people? Let me look." So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said, "Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man."



Did you used to supply the jokes Vic Reeves used in the 'Dove from Above' round on shooting stars? :wink:



If you remember that one episode when, after telling the joke, the dog walked across the front of the set and fell over and 'died', that was one of the funniest things I have seen on television ever!

I think you and the pun-tastic Pete Bale should be employed by the government and that your jokes should be dished out to hardened crims as punishment for their crimes. If that wasn't a deterrent sufficient to make them see the errors of their ways then I dont know what is.


Dave Payn

Active Member
Aw! ;-) Perhaps Pete and myself can become the 'clean' version of Derek and Clive (Hang, on, that'd be no good, there'd be next to nothing to say. Every other word on the Derek and Clive tapes began with F or C!


Staff member
I can only think of one ancient conductor joke, and that's the one where you say "I knew Sir Malcolm when he was only a corporal" :oops: :wink: :lol:

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