Airline Intercom Messages


Supporting Member
These are hilarious. Enjoy.

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

3. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.

4. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

5. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

6. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, it's sure as hell everything has shifted."

7. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

8. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

9. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

10. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

11. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children ... or other adults acting like children."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine


New Member
Heard many years ago, on a flight from Penang to Singapore......
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. There is no cause for alarm."
Then he switched the damn thing off.


One of the funniest moments on our flight back from florida two years ago was when one of the flight attendants came by and asked: "Has anyone lost a fanny-pack?"

Sorry to be a little rude, but it made a whole cabin of British fliers laugh :D


Active Member
One I heard on a British Airways shuttle flight from London to Edinburgh a couple of years back where the flight attendants were in unusually high spirits...

During the safety briefing: "...and the life jacket has both a light and a whistle attached for attracting the attention of good looking sailors."

On a United flight to the US as we reached the eastern seaboard, the captain announced:

"Ladies and gentleman, I'm pleased to announce that we have once again discovered the New World."

On an Indian Airlines internal flight from Delhi to Cochin the pilot felt obliged to apologise for the delay in reaching the terminal building:

"Ladies and gentlemen, our landing was a bit faster than expected so we'll be waiting a few minutes for the tug to pull us back from the blast wall at the end of the runway to allow us to turn and taxi to the terminal."

(The nose of the plane was, in fact, sitting over the take-off blast wall and the front undercarriage was so close that we didn't have any chance of turning without knocking off one of the engines :) )

A rather calm British Airways captain as we came into land at Gatwick:

"Those of you at the front of the aircraft may have noticed a vivid blue flash as we descended. That was the nose of the aircraft being hit by lightning. We've checked the systems and there's nothing to worry about."

(It was an absolutely blinding flash and I had just finished pealing my colleague from the ceiling - we had been watching the storm out of the window when the flight was hit - as this announcement was made.)

Jo Elson

:D I remember coming back from Ibiza, the plane sounded real rough when as soon as we started to take off, but the captain reassured us all: "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, do not be alarmed by the noise it's just one of the engines and we are doing all appropriate checks possible!"
There was one going round a while ago where two blokes wandered up to the reception desk and handed the attendant a piece of paper asking them to go on the PA system and ask for "Ahneeda Pizacwik" and "Mylexa Crost". (read them out loud...)

And there's always timbloke's one about when he wa swaiting on Chesterfield train station and a guy came on the PA system and sang "BORRN FREEEE" and went silent...


Active Member
sunny_jimbob said:
There was one going round a while ago where two blokes wandered up to the reception desk and handed the attendant a piece of paper asking them to go on the PA system and ask for "Ahneeda Pizacwik" and "Mylexa Crost". (read them out loud...)
I have the one you're talking about on my pc - let's just leave it there shall we! Not suitable for a family friendly forum! Hilarious though! ;)
dyl said:
I have the one you're talking about on my pc - let's just leave it there shall we! Not suitable for a family friendly forum! Hilarious though! ;)

That's why I left it at describing the first one and not providing a linky... :wink:

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