Bad Joke Thread....

[Richard Orme]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I
want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing
beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

[MRSH]

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So there I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

A full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.'"

I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A Penguin walks into a pub and says to the barman "Has my brother been in?" Barman says "I dunno, what's he look like?"

[Bayerd]

What's the difference between a fish and a goat?

One mucks about in the fountains...........

[MRSH]

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue.” I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle.” The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

A cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I as charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[MRSH]

SMART *** ANSWER No.6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

SMART *** ANSWER No.5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat. She said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART *** ANSWER No.4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART *** ANSWER No.3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART *** ANSWER No.2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART *** ANSWER No.1

Well, unfortunately, Smart *** Answer No.1 is not clean enough to put up here, sorry, but I thought the other five were very good.

[dyl]

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went "T'PAU!"
I said "Don't you mean "KERPOW"?
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

[The Eggman]

The bass trombone player in my old band left his insrument in my car once , i forgot about it and left the car at the pub and walked home after a good session.
The following day i walked back and got to the pub carpark to find the back window smashed and...........................2 more bass trombones dumped on the back seat.

[jmb83]

not so much a bad joke, but a bit of a joke (TRUE) statement:

"Should the aggregate score be level after 90 minutes, extra time will be played." Fulham's matchday programme for the second leg of the Littlewoods Cup tie in 1986-87. Liverpool were 10-0 up from the first leg

[Bryan_sop]

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.

When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."

[llewellynd]

The Three Wise Men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low
doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

"Write that down Mary," said Joseph

"It's better than Derek."

[Cantonian]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain" and begins to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "Well, that does feel pretty good, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

[BigHorn]

^^ The same 2 women golfers were walking towards the 2nd tee when one tripped and hurt herself. The other woman ran to the club house and shouted help my friend has hurt herself. A steward said 'Where?' to which she replied 'Between the first and second hole'
'Blimey' he replies.. 'Not much room to stick a plaster then'

[mdmyatt]

why do birds fly south??

Because its to far to walk

[MRSH]

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph, "It's better than Derek."

[dyl]

Originally Posted by MRSH

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph, "It's better than Derek."

Very good Matt! It was funny the first time I read it too .................. about 4 posts up!