Band article, The Times, 26th February

[davidquinlan]

Originally Posted by Bob Sherunkle

The solution to the problem of Joe Public's perception of Brass Bands

By Bob Sherunkle

Based on a theme by Harry Mortimer

(This may come accross as a bit negative but I am sure that readers will find it impossible to refute)

The way to raise the popularity of Brass Bands is to ban the vast majority of them from performing in public.
When I stumble accross a band playing in public, I often think (and sometimes shout out loud) "My God! Who let this lot out?". If I have time on my hands, I stay to heckle in order that any innocent passers by will realise that it doesn't have to be this way, as the cavalcade of splits and splots assaults their ears.



Wrote someone with a made up name a few posts ago in reference to the traditional band sound. And how right he was with the one big proviso that there are only a very small number of bands that can make it. The number may be open to some debate depending on your own standards. I'd say 5 or 6 if being harsh, 20 to 30 at the outside. If the public only ever heard these selected outfits they would think bands were groovy, buy all their records and pack out concerts. Sadly, most people's experience will be a bunch of teachers and bank clerks in ill-fitting jackets murdering something by Lloyd Webber next to the Tombola. The Pearly "B" Band, for example, is absolutely dreadful and after one or our concerts no-one in their right mind would ever listen to a band again. QED

And the "A" band are over-rated to be honest.

The ban will have to be strictly policed. Suitable qualified agents will be armed with superglue and hammers to swiftly curtail any unauthorised performing. I would be prepared to head up this group if called upon. Band Practise for personal pleasure will only be allowed by duff bands in strictly controlled, soundproof conditions in case an unsuspecting person catches a few bars of shoddy intonation through a crack in the Village Hall door.

But, you may cry. Surely if we ban all the cr*p bands from playing in public, they will be driven underground and fall into the hands of gangsters. Pirate copies of 3rd section bands defiling the great works of Vinter, Ball and Siebert would be rife on the black market. Worry not. We have to accept that this is a good thing and how it should be. The depraved few will get their guilty pleasure without the public having to suffer. There is no doubt that listening to a good car crash of a performance brings its own special joy but it should be done in secret with a deserved sense of guilty shame. Junior bands will, however, be exempt from the ban in order that we can have one legitimate outlet to enjoy some laughably bad playing without having to wear a disguise and feel dirty.

Just in case you are not persuaded yet I will give you a real life example as a clincher.

It is a rainy day in June 2012 and the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games is about to begin. Out walks the Brass Band (or on the back of a truck, I haven't decided yet). What do you want to see;

1. A Top Band with some proper fat lads playing a march and an overture plus Orange Juice as an encore, with a gruff northern Conductor with a ferret down his dress trousers telling mother-in-law jokes between numbers.

Or

2. Some local parpers wearing comedy hats and standing up for the solos in Best Of The Black And White Minstrels Selection.

So there you have it. Friends. I call upon you (most of you anyway) to nail your instruments to the wall above the fireplace and leave them there. Glue the moving parts up in case you have a weak moment. You know it makes sense. I am sure that Playstation can come up with something to replace the banding hobby experience for those that fall by the wayside in the new order. Something with a soundproof mute linked up to the telly so you can try to play something too difficult for you in a virtual contest environment with a backing track of Werthers Originals rattling in dentured mouths.

Baritone Hero?

Lets get to work and get Brass Bands to the Top of the Pops.

Bob (Your Saviour) Sherunkle

Post of the year so far....

[Humphrey]

I agree. It was very funny. Sadly though, it may kill off the only really interesting debate in some time

[Bob Sherunkle]

Sorry Humphrey

Not sure what's so funny tho.

I t was quite interesting I agree.

Your lot would probably make the cut although your 1st horn player overblows a bit.

Regards

Bob

[Humphrey]

Originally Posted by Bob Sherunkle

Sorry Humphrey

Not sure what's so funny tho.

I t was quite interesting I agree.

Your lot would probably make the cut although your 1st horn player overblows a bit.

Regards

Bob

Ha ha!!!! That's because he is a ****!!! He should stick to bass guitar and he's pretty **** at that too

[Bayerd]

Originally Posted by Bob Sherunkle

Sorry Humphrey

Not sure what's so funny tho.

I t was quite interesting I agree.

Your lot would probably make the cut although your 1st horn player overblows a bit.

Regards

Bob

Jim? Is this you?

Nah, can't be, you're not as funny as the post above......

[Humphrey]

I'm not sure whether it's a Midland accent or maybe... a North Eastern one?? Read back through his previous posts last night and PMSL Great post on here!

[Bob Sherunkle]

Nice to see Jim on the telly last night, tho I am suprised he was featured so prominently as it didn't look to me as tho his heart was really in it.

It was the (one) highlight of the programme for me.

Bob