View Full Version : New Joke...well it is to me anyway.
Two Irishmen were walking past the job centre, when they saw a sign in the window for tree fellers.
Paddy said, "Now ain't that a shame, there's only two of us."
Well I like it anyway :lol: :lol:
Was it that bad? :oops:
Hey, perhaps we can have a new weekly/monthly competition for the worst joke, in the best possible taste of course, seeing as this is a fmaily site.
Hmmmmmmmmm, let me think...
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: Fsh.
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: Piiig.
What's E.T. short for?
'Cos he hasn't got long legs. :oops:
I'll get my coat.................
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A Stick!
Q: What's blue and fluffy?
A: Blue fluff!
Q: What's pink and fluffy?
A: Blue fluff in disguise!
[quote="dyl"]What's E.T. short for?
'Cos he hasn't got long legs. :oops:
I actually used that in a concert. It went down like a lead balloon. :oops: :oops:
PeterBale
28.10.2003, 09:35
A golden oldie:
What hangs on the wall and ticks :?: . . . 'Ticky paper :wink:
A more recent one:
What do you call Postman Pat after he's retired :?: . . . . Pat :lol: :lol: :lol:
Naomi McFadyen
28.10.2003, 09:43
lol! :lol:
Some of those were funny...
What's the last thing to go through a flies mind when it hits a windscreen?
It's ****! lol!
(Edit: Mod)
Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkled :?:
'cos if it was small, round and white it'd be an aspirin :P
What's red and falls off walls?
Humpty Fire Engine 8)
PeterBale
28.10.2003, 12:01
Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkled :?:
Have you ever tried to fit one in the washing machine and iron it :?: :wink: :lol:
johnflugel
28.10.2003, 12:05
Why do Irishman wear two condoms?
To be sure, to be sure
How many spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?
Juan
PeterBale
28.10.2003, 12:24
How many sopranos does it take to change a light-bulb :?: . . . Only one: she stands still holding the bulb and the world revolves around her :!:
How many conductors does it take to change a light-bulb :?: . . . No-one knows, 'cause nobody watches the conductor :cry: :lol: :lol:
Dave Payn
28.10.2003, 12:25
I include this trumpet gag because in a roundabout way, it actually happened to me. I'll explain afterwards.
How do trumpet players normally greet each other?
'Hi, I'm better than you'.
Now on my first day at the RCM (September 1982. I did actually only last a year....) a fellow first year student introduced himself to me and said, 'There's a bit of playing here other than the lessons, but you won't get any 'cos I'm better than you'. Still, he lasted the four years so he must have been right but what a way to introduce yourself!
He remains nameless (for now, save that his initials are DS). All I can say is that I hope the ravages of time have mellowed him from the class A1 p*at he was then!
p.s. Dyl, I had an asterisked word in my Limerick 'edited' and rightly so. That same word appears on this thread in exactly the same asterisked way yet it remains. Consistency, please.
Regards
Dave
andywooler
28.10.2003, 15:28
How Many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A Fish :!:
PeterBale
28.10.2003, 16:33
Please stop..... :cry:
This must be serious - Rutty isn't under contruction any more :shock: :wink: :lol:
The Cornet King
28.10.2003, 16:37
How do you know if a percussionist is knocking at you door :?: :?:
The knocking gradually gets faster!! (Sorry percussionists!) :D
PeterBale
28.10.2003, 16:41
How do you know if a percussionist is knocking at you door :?: :?:
The knocking gradually gets faster!! (Sorry percussionists!) :D
You forgot the other bit about him not knowing when to come in :wink: :lol: :lol:
The Cornet King
28.10.2003, 16:44
You forgot the other bit about him not knowing when to come in :wink: :lol: :lol:
lol, Nice one Peter :wink:
Dave Payn
28.10.2003, 16:55
A weary traveller stoppped for the night at a monastery and joined the
monks for supper. After the meal was over and a little wine had passed
one of the monks stood up and loudly proclaimed " 48". There were gales
of laughter. When it had subsided another stood up and said "49". More
laughter. And so it went on. Puzzled by this, the traveller turned to
his neighbour and asked for an explanation. He explained that, as they
were so cut off where they were, they never heard any new jokes, so all
the jokes they knew had been given numbers, which were then shouted out,
saving a long speech. "Oh, can I have a go?" the traveller asked. "Oh yes, go on,
they won't mind'.
He stood up and said loudly "179". The place was in
uproar and the laughter lasted for several minutes. When his neighbour
had stopped laughing, the traveller asked him why he had got such a riotous
reception.
"They hadn't heard that one" he gasped.
(This one's a real golden oldie!)
Have you heard there's a new dish being introduced in Indian restaurants around the country? It's called Chicken Tarka. it's like Chicken Tikka, only it's 'otter!
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
"My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says,
"All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I
become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says,
"I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
"The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says,
"Really funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through
doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange
sound. .
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk
(Edit: mod)
And another one that's been doing the rounds for a while now...
Been doing the rounds for a while now, but nevertheless....
Major Charles Ingram, convicted Who Wants To Be A Millionaire cheat, has committed suicide. ITV have agreed to pay for the funeral but not the coffin.
How do you get two saxes to play in unison?
Shoot one of them. (sorry Peter)
What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
The lipstick
Paddy and Murphy walking down a lane, Paddy falls over and Tells murphy to call him an abulance. Murphy Shouts " Paddy's an ambulance, Paddy's an Ambulance"
:oops:
Sorry about that one folks :lol:
beard_4b
28.10.2003, 17:04
very funny :wink:
PeterBale
28.10.2003, 17:06
How do you get two saxes to play in unison?
Shoot one of them. (sorry Peter)
I asked the members of SASWE on Saturday what the difference was between alto and tenor sax . . . . Answer: about a semitone :wink: :lol: :lol:
Sean Connery finds himself out of favour in the film industry, so he sends his agent out to try and find a suitable movie.
Several days later, he comes back with good news.
'Sean' he says 'They're making Indiana Jones 4, and they want you to play the Dad again.'
'Great' replies Connery.
'They'll need you there this Monday morning for tennish is that's OK with your schedule.'
Sounding bemused Connery replies 'Tennish?'
'But I haven't got a racket...'
A duck walks into a post office and asks the amn behind the counter "Do you have any corn?"
"no" is the reply.
He comes in the next day - "Do you have any corn?"
"no"
The next day - "Do you have any corn?"
"no"
The next day - "Do you have any corn?"
"look mate - this is a post office, we don't have any corn here."
The next day - "Do you have any corn?"
"look mate - you come in here one more time and ask for corn and i'll nail your beak to the counter."
The next day - "Do you have any nails?"
"no"
"Do you have any corn?"
:lol:
You've really started something now with this thread!!!!
Young lad walks into a greengrocers and starts throwing lettuces at the bloke behind the counter.
'Oi' said the bloke, 'what do you think you're doing throwing lettuces at me??'
'THAT'S for sinking the titanic' replied the boy.
'That was an iceberg you nutter' said the bloke
Boy looks up and says' Oh well, iceberg, cos, Webbs wonder.....they all look the same to me.
:D :D :D
What do you call a deer with no eyes??
No eye deer!!!!
What do you call a dead deer with no eyes???
STILL no eye deer!!
What's big and grey and if it fell on you it would kill you??
A CAR PARK!!
:D 8) :D 8) :D 8) :D 8)
JessopSmythe
29.10.2003, 00:27
Why do elephants have 4 feet?
any animal that big would look daft with 4 inches
A distraught man runs into his local vets with a lifeless looking hamster cradled in his hands.
"Quick" cries the man, "I think there's something wrong with my hamster".
The vet rushes the man and his pet into the treatment room and examines it quickly and then says "I'm ever so sorry but I'm afraid your hamster is dead."
The man falls on the floor wailing and says "No, it can't be, I don't believe you". The vet replies, "I am very sorry but your hamster is definitely dead."
"I want a second opinion" said the man, "can't you do any tests or something to make sure??"
"Certainly" said the vet who turned towards the door and whistled. In walks a large ginger cat and hops up on the table. He sniffs the hamster, mews sorrowfully, shakes his head and hops down off the table and back out through the door. The in walks a large black labrador who sniffs the hamster, nudges it with his nose and barks. He then whines sorrowfully, shakes his head and goes back out through the door.
The vet says "There we are sir, as I said, I'm dreadfully sorry but you hamster is dead. That'll be £200 please."
"£200 to tell me hamster is dead" screamed the man. "Why is it that much??"
"Well" said the vet "it's £100 each for the lab-report and the cat-scan"!!!!!!
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Dave Payn
29.10.2003, 10:35
One day, a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a
street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs
him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction,
a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will
fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get
another one. The mime accepts the offer.
So, the next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the
gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can
sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people, and he draws larger crowds
than he ever did as a mime on the street.
However, eventually the crowd tires of him, and he tires of just swinging
on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the
lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he
climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from
the top of the lion's cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end
of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a
good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then, one day, when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he
slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and
prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the
cage with the lion in hot pursuit.
Finally, the mime starts screaming, "Help! Help me!"
The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back
looking up at the angry lion.
The lion says, "Shut up, you idiot, or we'll both lose our jobs!"
At Heathrow Airport this morning, an individual, later discovered to be a school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement which has struck terror into the lives of many for generations. He is being charged with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Never associate yourself with a dwarf who has learning difficulties.
It's not big and it's not clever.
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.
What do you call a man who can crawl through the eye of a needle?
Fred.
Why can't you hear a Pteradactyl going to the toilet?
Because it's a silent P.
A duck walks into a post office and asks the amn behind the counter "Do you have any corn?"
"no" is the reply.
He comes in the next day - "Do you have any corn?"
"no"
The next day - "Do you have any corn?"
"no"
The next day - "Do you have any corn?"
"look mate - this is a post office, we don't have any corn here."
The next day - "Do you have any corn?"
"look mate - you come in here one more time and ask for corn and i'll nail your beak to the counter."
The next day - "Do you have any nails?"
"no"
"Do you have any corn?"
:lol:
Duck walks into a job centre asking for a job.
Jobsworth behind the desk says "certainly, sir, I'll phone Billy Smart's Circus immediately"
Duck says "Do they need a plumber there?"
Scouser asks for a job in the job centre
Jobsworth says "You're in luck mate. We need a bodyguard for Hugh Heffner's bunnies going on their European tour. You drive them round for four hours a day, see to their physical needs and we'll pay you ten gran a week".
"You're flipping joking", says Scouser
"Well you started it", says Jobsworth
Paul McLaughlin
31.10.2003, 17:41
Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkled :?:
Cos if it was small round and white it would be an e
'cos if it was small, round and white it'd be an aspirin :P
Paddy and Murphy walking down a lane, Paddy falls over and Tells murphy to call him an abulance. Murphy Shouts " Paddy's an ambulance, Paddy's an Ambulance"
:oops:
Sorry about that one folks :lol:
Had me in stiches .... must remeber that for the pub tonight! :D
Ben
;)
Paddy and Murphy walking down a road one night after leaving the pub. Suddenly Paddy fell down an open manhole
Murphy shouts "Paddy?? Are you OK?? Have you broken anything??"
Paddy replies" No Murphy, there's nothing down here to break!!"
Two Trombonists wlking through London in the early hours of the morning. One turns to the other and says "Have you got a watch on?? I need to know what time it is."
The other replies "No need for a watch, my trombone tells the time."
The first one says "This I've GOT to see. Go on then, what time is it??"
The second bloke gets out his trombone and plays as loudly as he possibly can. After about 30 seconds, someone leans out of a window of one of the houses and shouts "Oi!! What the hell do you think you're doing, don't you know it's 3:15 in the morning??"
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Well, I thought they were funny anyway.
Puss
Jo Elson
03.11.2003, 10:59
I like that one!
PeterBale
04.11.2003, 15:40
I've just come across this one on another forum:
The New Pastor
A congregation had just received a new pastor. The first night that he spoke the message, it only lasted for 10 minutes. Many of the board members were concerned that perhaps the message was too short.
The next Sunday, the new pastor spoke for ½ hour and everyone relaxed just a bit and thought, "things will be okay after all".
The Third Sunday, the pastor got up to the pulpit and spoke for over an hour.
Everyone was completely bewildered; finally they decided to have a meeting with the man and asked him why his messages had been so inconsistent going from too short to too long.
"Ah", said the new pastor. "I can surely explain: you see the first Sunday, I had just been fitted for a new set of dentures, and they were really bothering me. By the second Sunday, I had gotten used to my new dentures and I preached my usual timed message".
The Board members looked confused: "Well what happened last Sunday? You went way over time on the sermon".
"Ah, yes, sorry about that", said the pastor. "Last Sunday, when I was getting ready for church, I got two pairs of dentures mixed up, and I ended up wearing my wife's by mistake".
(Sorry, ladies :wink: :lol: :lol: )
Rob Palmer
08.11.2005, 15:13
Bryan May is watching tv in his living room when all of a sudden in a puff of smoke Freddie Mercury appears from nowhere.
Bryan both shocked and startled, cries "Jesus Freddie! how did you manage that".
To which Freddie replies, "well little did you know Bryan, but I practiced in the ancient art of voodoo for many years on the QT".
Brian confused says, "voodoo Freddie, whats voodoo"?
To which Freddie answers.......................... "its a kinda magic"
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