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Tubah
28.01.2007, 14:42
Die the week before a contest that you've got a solo in:cool:

PeterBale
13.02.2007, 09:25
Enter at fff instead of ppp

meandmycornet
13.02.2007, 16:09
Frown at him when he tells you to try and look like you're enjoying yourself!

Tubah
18.02.2007, 05:23
Get an old photo of him in the seventies complete with big hair and collars to match:cool:

PeterBale
18.02.2007, 10:22
Present him with an authorised list of errata the night before the contest.

Brassy Lady
19.02.2007, 11:55
Present him with an authorised list of errata the night before the contest.
Forgotten the A-Z bit?! :wink:


Get an old photo of him in the seventies complete with big hair and collars to match:cool:
Have a hissy fit at everything he says

PeterBale
19.02.2007, 12:50
Imitate his every mannerism

WhatSharp?
19.02.2007, 14:32
Joke about how his toopé (hair piece, can't spell ) flaps when he conducts fortissimo

Ffion Flugel
19.02.2007, 14:46
Kilt - similar to above

andyp
19.02.2007, 21:46
Light a small fire with his score.

ronnie_the_lizard
19.02.2007, 22:01
'..mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........' quietly in the background while he tries to make his rousing pre-contest performance speech.

PeterBale
20.02.2007, 08:52
Nick his baton :mad:

Bryan_sop
20.02.2007, 10:40
Open all the windows when it's really windy so all the music gets blown off of the stands

PeterBale
20.02.2007, 11:18
Play everything up a semitone

englishgill
20.02.2007, 13:29
question his interpretation of rubato

PeterBale
20.02.2007, 14:28
rall at the end of every hymn-tune :mad:

ronnie_the_lizard
20.02.2007, 14:43
Say "I'm sorry, but if it comes to a straight choice between band rehearsals for the area and watching a repeat of 'pimp my ride' on the telly you'll find me in my living room."

WhatSharp?
20.02.2007, 14:49
Take your kids to rehearsal and allow them to play drums :D

PeterBale
20.02.2007, 15:00
Upset a cup of coffee over the score he's just spent hours marking up

ronnie_the_lizard
20.02.2007, 15:03
Vrite a letter explainink you Von't be at ze band no more as you have becomink a Vampire.

PeterBale
20.02.2007, 17:11
Wait until the day before the concert to let him know you can't be there

Flutey
20.02.2007, 19:35
Xterminate him :D

ronnie_the_lizard
20.02.2007, 20:03
Yell out "a-one, two, three, four..." as a lead in to every piece, (no matter what the time sig).

WhatSharp?
20.02.2007, 20:24
Zany antics in the bandroom!

ronnie_the_lizard
20.02.2007, 20:31
"a-one , two, three, four" at the beginning of each piece, regardless of time sig, (and even after being told not to after "Y" above)

PeterBale
21.02.2007, 01:19
Break his baton in half when he criticises your playing

Ffion Flugel
21.02.2007, 16:02
Crochet tablemats in bars' rest

Bryan_sop
22.02.2007, 03:00
Drug his tea/coffee in the interval

PeterBale
22.02.2007, 08:24
Empty the pads of everything except Floral Dance and Hootenanny :mad:

Sopha
22.02.2007, 20:48
Flip his baton in the air and make sure it lands straight on his head Lol!

Flutey
22.02.2007, 21:25
Grant him three wishes and then tell him you aren't a genie

PeterBale
23.02.2007, 09:05
Hide his programme notes - and especially the excruciating jokes

Brassy Lady
23.02.2007, 12:22
Illuminate his stand with disco lights

PeterBale
23.02.2007, 12:41
Jig up and down in the middle of the euph solo in Resurgam

pdj
23.02.2007, 13:24
Keep swapping your mouthpiece before a contest!!

PeterBale
23.02.2007, 14:28
Leave your mouthpiece in your other case

ronnie_the_lizard
24.02.2007, 11:55
Melt everyone's mouthpieces down and sell them as scrap metal to help the "mend the bandroom roof" campaign.

PeterBale
25.02.2007, 02:27
Notify everyone that he had resigned

ronnie_the_lizard
25.02.2007, 11:29
Order 10 sets of 'Zulu' so you can play it continuously for the first half of the next concert.

PeterBale
25.02.2007, 14:32
Pick holes in his conducting technique

Ffion Flugel
25.02.2007, 15:01
Query the speed of every piece he conducts

PeterBale
25.02.2007, 16:37
Refuse to watch the baton

ronnie_the_lizard
26.02.2007, 13:05
Split any note above the stave (Sop players only)

PeterBale
26.02.2007, 14:36
Take everything down the octave (BBb basses only)

Bryan_sop
28.02.2007, 09:12
Unexpectedly resign from the band

PeterBale
28.02.2007, 09:16
Vote for him to be replaced :mad:

jmb83
28.02.2007, 19:00
whistle instead of playing properly

Brassy Lady
07.03.2007, 14:12
eXtend each note by an eXtra beat

ronnie_the_lizard
07.03.2007, 16:14
[unsubtle loud whisper]

"You see the conductor's hair, it's nowt but a wig is that"

[/unsubtle loud whisper]

HelenMcBaritone
10.03.2007, 13:12
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz during practice

Bryan_sop
12.03.2007, 08:34
Ask stupid questions

ronnie_the_lizard
12.03.2007, 14:17
Belch loudly, preferably with severe garlic breath, and then, even though everyone knows it was you, turn around and blame it on the BBb player.

Bryan_sop
12.03.2007, 16:51
Cry if/when he offers you constructive criticism

blindingbass
12.03.2007, 17:13
drink mass amounts of beer before going on stage

blindingbass
12.03.2007, 17:17
elope with his daughter

blindingbass
12.03.2007, 17:17
forget to turn up for rehersal

blindingbass
12.03.2007, 17:18
get your mates to phone you every ten mins in rehersal but tell him you are on call

blindingbass
12.03.2007, 17:20
help his wife adjust her bra

blindingbass
12.03.2007, 17:21
Invite everyone but him to a party

blindingbass
12.03.2007, 17:22
jump up and break out into song in middle of a concert

blindingbass
12.03.2007, 17:22
kill his pet budgie

blindingbass
12.03.2007, 17:23
leave your music on the floor

blindingbass
12.03.2007, 17:24
move his stand outside the bandroom

blindingbass
12.03.2007, 17:24
not tell him your missing rehersal

blindingbass
12.03.2007, 17:25
open and drink a can of beer in the middle of a solo

blindingbass
12.03.2007, 17:26
pour the can of beer over his head in the midlle of someone elses solo

ronnie_the_lizard
16.03.2007, 18:43
quietly play "little F & G march" when he asks you to play from letter 'F' when rehearsing a testpiece

PeterBale
20.03.2007, 12:48
Roll an orange from your seat at the back when playing on a sloping stage

Bryan_sop
20.03.2007, 16:02
Shoot his Dog

Ipswich trom
20.03.2007, 16:10
Tie his hands behind his back.

ronnie_the_lizard
20.03.2007, 16:56
Unless he says not to, play all quavers / semiquavers in jazz style.

honey bun
20.03.2007, 17:24
When he's about to drop the baton all get up and walk out

PeterBale
20.03.2007, 18:57
When he's about to drop the baton all get up and walk out

Voluntarily omit a rehearsal letter, such as going from "U" to "W" :oops: :oops: :oops:

(next person carry on with "X" ;) )

ronnie_the_lizard
20.03.2007, 19:10
X-ray all bags and cases he has with him when he leaves the building to make sure he's not trying to steal any instruments.

euphorium
20.03.2007, 22:01
Yawn at his "when I played in the Royal Albert Hall" stories.

Jan H
21.03.2007, 02:11
Zinc-copper-alloy instruments that aren't played properly

Bryan_sop
21.03.2007, 08:03
Accuse him of being tone-deaf

honey bun
21.03.2007, 10:46
Voluntarily omit a rehearsal letter, such as going from "U" to "W" :oops: :oops: :oops:

(next person carry on with "X" ;) )

Sorry - must have had a blonde moment :oops:

Break his baton

PeterBale
21.03.2007, 12:35
Cancel the practice without telling him :mad:

Bryan_sop
22.03.2007, 10:06
Drain all the fuel out of his car

englishgill
22.03.2007, 10:10
enter a bar early but keep playing really loudly anyway

ronnie_the_lizard
22.03.2007, 11:24
Fake your own death, then hide behind the Bass Drum so you can hear what nice things he says about you at the next rehearsal.

PeterBale
22.03.2007, 12:50
Groan audibly when he requests the next piece of music

Bryan_sop
22.03.2007, 13:45
^ I sometimes do that anyway! :oops:

Hide his music

honey bun
22.03.2007, 14:51
Insists he buys a drink for the whole band every rehearsal (before it starts) :biggrin:

ronnie_the_lizard
22.03.2007, 17:09
Join the conductor's stand up to a van-der-graaf generator so his hair stands on end whenever he touches it.

PeterBale
22.03.2007, 18:05
Keep playing well after he's stopped conducting :mad:

(one of my pet hates in practice :eek: )

ronnie_the_lizard
24.03.2007, 18:21
Listen attentively to his inspired ideas about innovative and groundbreaking interpretation of a classic testpiece, and then play it exactly the same way you always have.

PeterBale
25.03.2007, 18:24
Move your chair so that the tall horn player in front of you is directly between yourself and the conductor.

ronnie_the_lizard
26.03.2007, 17:38
Nudge the tall horn player in front of you and ask him to move over as you can no longer see the conductor........ ;)

PeterBale
26.03.2007, 19:52
Offer to play trombone in practice when you've never touched one in your life.

honey bun
29.03.2007, 17:37
Play with a metronome and set it at a totally different speed when he starts to conduct

PeterBale
03.04.2007, 19:13
Query the starting point in a loud voice every time the band stops playing.

honey bun
05.04.2007, 14:29
Rummage around in the percussion bag that has bells, tambourine etc in middle of pieces

PeterBale
07.04.2007, 13:59
Stick your fingers in your ears every time the trombones enter :eek:

Bryan_sop
11.04.2007, 08:17
Stick your fingers in your ears every time the trombones enter :eek:

Isn't that advisable anyway? :confused:

Tell him his flies are undone just as he's about to start conducting

Ipswich trom
11.04.2007, 12:33
Use an alternative arrangement to the one he has the score of!

ronnie_the_lizard
16.04.2007, 15:39
Lick all the clean teaspoons just before he comes to stir his cup of tea at half-time.

tillie
17.04.2007, 18:12
Lick all the clean teaspoons just before he comes to stir his cup of tea at half-time.


Aren't we on V?

Very loudly burp

ronnie_the_lizard
17.04.2007, 23:46
Aren't we on V?

Very loudly burp

Worry about the fact that your computer seems to be 10 letters behind the rest of the world in the A-Z of How to annoy ur conductor (http://www.themouthpiece.com/vb/showthread.php?p=529119#post529119) thread, instead of worrying about why all your F's, G's and C's seem to be sounding a semitone lower than everyone else in the section.........

Ickle.Hannah
22.04.2007, 18:01
xhale very loudly during the nice pretty solos =] xxx

Bryan_sop
23.04.2007, 10:09
Yank his baton out of his hand and take over conducting yourself

ronnie_the_lizard
24.04.2007, 16:16
<shouting loudly>
"Zulu.....who votes for playing Zulu at the next concert."
</shouting>

PeterBale
25.04.2007, 10:19
Admit that "Hootenanny" is your favourite piece :eek:

DramaQueenGems
25.04.2007, 17:14
Bleet loudly everytime you play a specfic not in a piece, preferably the one that is in a pice the most.

As for Hootenanny i quite agree as we get asked to play it every year for the same concert, let's just say we don't need to rehearse it anymore

PeterBale
25.04.2007, 19:36
Count the bars rests on your fingers and toes :eek:

ronnie_the_lizard
26.04.2007, 09:49
Dare to suggest that perhaps the soprano (+/- Bass Trom) is a bit too loud.

MissBraz
26.04.2007, 12:19
Wind him up about his football team who are playing very poor in the premiership and is more than likely going to get relagated after a season of recieving promotion!!!
hahaha! Was VERY funny last night!!!!

honey bun
18.05.2007, 16:39
Wind him up about his football team who are playing very poor in the premiership and is more than likely going to get relagated after a season of recieving promotion!!!
hahaha! Was VERY funny last night!!!!

Bet it was funny but I think we're on E ha! ;)

Explain everything he's saying to the person next to you

Bryan_sop
18.05.2007, 17:13
Follow him home and stalk him

RobBari
20.05.2007, 22:37
Gasp and clutch your chest as if having a heart attack after playing a particularly loud and fast bit.

msgiggles
21.05.2007, 11:00
:D Hide his baton !! he he

honey bun
25.05.2007, 15:14
Ignore everything he says (as per norm!)

msgiggles
25.05.2007, 15:37
just be myself !!! he he

waynefiler
25.05.2007, 23:52
Keep playing boring bits up the octave

honey bun
29.05.2007, 17:05
Leave the room without saying anything

Bryan_sop
04.06.2007, 11:41
Moonwalk onto the stage

MrsDoyle
08.08.2009, 22:03
Never play below FF

MrsDoyle
09.08.2009, 18:29
Offer the back row cornets something that'll gum up their instruments

Getzonica
09.08.2009, 18:29
Offer the back row cornets something that'll gum up their instruments

:eek:

MrsDoyle
09.08.2009, 18:37
Play while extremely ****ed

Getzonica
10.08.2009, 22:00
Quit without saying anything

Getzonica
10.08.2009, 22:09
Read the music upside down

MrsDoyle
11.08.2009, 15:08
^^ that's what I've got the unpleasant duty of doing today

Snog him, with tongues, after eating 12 tins of Winalot

Di B
11.08.2009, 17:37
Tell him his anecdotes of playing with 'named people' or 'named bands' really doesnt interest you

Getzonica
13.08.2009, 16:58
^^that wouldn't necessarily annoy all conductors.....

Use biro or pernement marker instead of pencil to write notes

MrsDoyle
13.08.2009, 17:07
^ permanent marker

Voluptuously ask him out to dinner

Getzonica
13.08.2009, 17:11
^ i told you my spelling was bad.....

Whine when he asks you to play how he wants you to play

MrsDoyle
13.08.2009, 17:13
Xylophones - play everything a second below

Getzonica
13.08.2009, 17:35
yank the baton out of his hand

StellaJohnson
13.08.2009, 18:06
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz