Joke association thread

[Dave Payn]

No, I'm not taking the mick this time! ;-) Idea of this one is that the next joke in the list posted must have some sort of link (however tenuous) to the joke before. So I'll start with two oldies to give you the picture.

What's got four legs and flies?
A dead horse

A white horse walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer. The barman, somewhat perplexed, says: 'I must admit. We don't get many white horses coming into our pub', to which the white horse says: 'No, can't say I've seen any others in pubs I've visited before.' 'Still', the barman says; 'I suppose it's quite appropriate in a way as there's a whisky named after you', to which the white horse says 'What, Eric?'

[impycornet]

A man walks into a pub sighs at the barman & says " I'll have a double scotch"

Necks it, sighs again & orders another.

After his fourth He says to the Barman - " You know I really shouldn't be drinking with what I've got "

" Why, What have you got" Says the barman - to which the man replies












£1.30 :-(

[ian perks]

A man walks into a pub a orders a treble malt whiskey and pours it into his top pocket,he does this 6 times, the barman says that"That will be £15.00 please sir" the man says " dont ask me for the money but ask the mouse in my top pocket":-D

[Maestro]

What's grey and has a trunk?

A mouse going on holiday!

[Crazysop]

What's grey and has a trunk?

A mouse going on holiday!

How do elephants go on holiday?

By jumbo jet :rolleyes:

[Sam Atherton]

How does an elephant ask for a banana?







*holds arm to nose and waves it around in a trunk-like-stylee*
"Can I have a banana please?"

(Works slightly better when you can see the person telling it, but only slightly!)

[super_sop]

How Do You Know An Elephant Has Bween In The Fridge?















There's Foot Prints In The Custartd

[ronnie_the_lizard]

What's yellow and dangerous?

...................... Shark infested custard !

[super_sop]

What's the best way to catch a fish?

















Have someone throw it at you.

[2nd man down]

Two Parrots sitting on a perch

One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

[Laserbeam bass]

Enoch and Esau was fishing by the banks of the Birmingham canal navigation. Enoch caught a whale but had to throw it back because it had spokes in it.

[ronnie_the_lizard]

A whale is swimming merrily along when he finds a large octopus-like creature with 10 legs lying on the seabed with several of its arms clutched tightly around it's mouth as if trying to stop itself vomiting.

The whale picks it up, swims round to where another whale is waiting and says......


....there you go mate, there's that Sick Squid I owe you !

[rightnowmusic]

Ella Fitzgerald had gone a bit loopy, and was walking around the nursing home where she was living, saying "I wanna marry Darth Vader, I wanna marry Darth Vader"

The nurses kept telling her that she couldn't marry Darth Vader, and when she asked why, she was told.... but Miss Fitzgerald, then you'd be......







Ella Vader (Elevator).... !!!! :D


One to tell in lifts.. works well in the US (Elevators = Lifts :D )

[BBCBass]

One to tell in lifts.. works well in the US (Elevators = Lifts :D )

While transporting mental patients from Leeds to Liverpool, a bus driver stopped at a pub in Manchester for a few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with all 20 patients nowhere to be seen.

Realising the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Liverpool mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his 'charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable.

Staff removed the furious passengers to wards; it was three days later that suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Mancucian society."

[Di]

A nurse was leaving the hospital one evening when she found the doctor standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen", said the doctor, "this is important and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly", said the nurse, flattered that the doctor had asked her for help.

She turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.

"Excellent! Excellent!" said the doctor as his paper disappeared inside the machine.

"I need two copies of that"

[BBCBass]

Speaking of doctors...If you ever go in for a proctological exam it can be quite uncomfortable. Word of advise...while your doctor may put one hand on your shoulder during the exam, make sure he doesn't put two!!

[Maestro]

Patient: "Dr Dr, I feel like a spoon."

Doctor: "Sit down and don't stir"

[Di]

The oldest and cheesiest

Dr Dr I feel like a pair of curtains.

Well pull yourself together then. :-?

[Will the Sec]

Yes, but from you, Dinie, it counts double.


Doctor, Doctor, people keep ignoring me.

NEXT!

[Maestro]

Patient : "Dr Dr, I keep feeling I am a cricket ball."


Doctor: "HOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWZZZZZZZZZZZZAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!"

[WhatSharp?]

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground. "How's it going?" he asked. "Fine," came the answer, "We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

[2nd man down]

A man gets made to believe he's a settee by one of those stage hypnotists, unfortunately the hypnotist is unable to make him come out of his trance...so they take the poor unfortunate bloke to hospital where he undergoes a major 7 hour operation to reverse the effects of the hypnotism, and after the op the family asks if he's ok, to which the sureon replies
"well it went as well as can be expected, he's comfortable."

Boom-Tssssssssssss!!

[WhatSharp?]

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.


"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied, "I hung him up to dry."

[2nd man down]

Bloke in an old folks home reached 100 years old so all his mates club together to get him a stripper

After the girl has done her routing she says to the man "now then old timer, would you like super sex?"
to which the trembling fella repied "Ooh, I'll have the soup thanks!"

[Di]

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple spoonsful, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth. He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked." The waitress said, "You ordered the vegetable soup, didn't you?" "Yes," he replied. "Well, maybe it has a leek in it."

[super_sop]

A middle-aged man was sitting in a truck stop when three mean-looking bikers walked in. The first walked over to the man and stubbed a cigarette out in his soup. Then the second biker spat in the soup. Finally the third biker picked up the bowl of soup and threw it on the floor. Without saying a word, the man got up and left. "He wasn't much of a man, was he?" sneered one of the bikers to the waitress. "Not much of a truck driver, either," she said. He just backed his truck over 3 motorcycles.

[Di]

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road." But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

[super_sop]

ACT OF GOD



The new minister's wife had a baby.



The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.



The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.



When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.



Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.



Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, "Having children is an Act of God!"



An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!"

[WhatSharp?]

Here you go...

[Di]

For weeks, a 6-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.

The 6-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment.

Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever became of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

[WhatSharp?]

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.
She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.
The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says -
"No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't."
"I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"

[super_sop]

The Un-Associated Press reported in a news bulletin today that a pregnant woman who has been in a coma for nine months following an automobile accident has given birth to twins, a baby girl and a baby boy. Awakening from her coma and learning that she had given birth to twins, she asked if names had already been given to them.

"Yes," her doctor informed her, "because we didn't know if you would ever come out of the coma, your brother Henry gave them their names."

"Oh dear God," the woman moaned, "my brother, Henry, is the family idiot. What in the world did he name them?"

"He named the baby girl Denise," answered the physician.

"Well, that's not so bad," the woman replied. "What did he name the baby boy?" The physician responded regretfully, "DeNephew

[Mrs Womble]

He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said .. . . You wear pants don't you?

He said .. . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A.They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

[ronnie_the_lizard]

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.


Dear friend
This chain letter started with the hope of bringing relief to tired and unhappy husbands,unlike other chain letters you have seen,this one does not cost any money.simply send a copy of this letter to four married friends, who are tired and unhappy then bundle up your wife and send her to the man on the top of the list and add your name to the bottom of the list
SOMEDAY YOUR NAME WILL BE ON TOP
When your name appears on the top of the list, you could recieve something like 16,487 women and some of them are bound to be dandies.

have faith in the powers of this letter,
One old man broke the chain and got is old lady back. DONT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU,
YOURS SINCERELY A GOOD FRIEND.

[kate_the_horn]

A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?" The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?" The man replies, "My Mother in Law is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"


:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::bigg rin::biggrin:

sorry!!

[ronnie_the_lizard]

A guy brings his dog


Man # 1:

I say, I say, I say, My Dog Has no nose

Man # 2:

How does he smell?

Man # 1:





................ he can't, He's got no nose.......! ;)

[2nd man down]

A bloke gets invited to his new girlfriends house for tea, and when he takes his place at the table the family dog snuggles up sound his feet.

The mixture of cabbage and sprouts in the meal make him rather gassy and before long he decides he really must break wind...so he shuffles on to one cheek and lets a little one out but to his horrow it makes a slight noise.

The mother tuts loudly and says rather curtly "Spot!!...come here!!"

The bloke can't believe his luck cos she blamed it on the dog, so with his confidence rising he decides to let a bit more go...and again it makes a rather dis-tasteful noise.

Again the mother hisses "Tsk!! Spot!! Will you come here!!"

The bloke now realises that with one last effort he can clear his discomfort totally so he lets a big one go to which the mother shouts
"FOR GOODNESS SAKE SPOT, COME HERE BEFORE HE POO'S ON YOU!!" :-D

[ronnie_the_lizard]

Walking down the street I met a bloke who was standing around while his Mother in Law was being beaten up by six youths.

I asked why he didn't rush in and help, but he answered "Six should be enough".