Worlds wackiest piece names?? (these are seriously strange!)

Discussion in 'The Rehearsal Room' started by The Cornet King, Oct 15, 2003.

  1. The Cornet King

    The Cornet King Active Member

    Yeh i was just browsing 4 bars rest when i came across a composer going by the name of Hardy Mertens. Who the hell is he you may say, well i aint got a clue.(look at European 2003 piece on 4 bars rest to find out more)
    But just take a look at his list of pieces for band!
    Then make your own mind up about this guy!!!
    (And these ARE genuine...I or 4 bars rest kid you not!!!!) Taken from 4 bars rest:

    “All the binge bottles for the beat and blow job mob, the nimble naughty thirsty on the loose.”
    “All the mouth watering meals for flashing Flora, the nimble naughty hungry ghost on the loose” :?

    Or what about, “Ballroom Bamboozles” or “Lest we forget” (could we ever? - editor) or “The Three Storms”, “U Mundu drentu a ti”, “Ten romantic moods”, Louice and Blue Eyes” and “Once I was a dreamer”.

    I dont know what drugs this guy was on when he came up with these names but apparently the pieces are even worse than the names.
    :shock: Has anyone seen a name of a piece that could possibly beat these???

    Replies will be noted with interest!

    CJ
    Front Row, Cottingham band.
     
  2. Roger Thorne

    Roger Thorne Active Member

    Hardy Mertens

    [​IMG]
    Hardy Mertens was born 1960 in Nieuwenhagen (NL). He studied musicology at the Utrecht University, composition and band conducting at the Utrecht Conservatory. In 1984 and 1985 he joined the Netherlands Royal Military Band as arranger and clarinet player. Since 1990 Hardy Mertens has been a regular guest conductor with the Singapore Wind Symphony and since 1995 also with the Sardinian symphonic band "Lao Silesu".

    Besides composing, he conducts the Netherlands Police Band, the Philips Symphonic Band and several Dutch community bands, teaches at international courses and guest conducts.

    Hardy Mertens also teaches band conducting at the Tilburg Conservatory.

    Compositions by Hardy Mertens are rooted in the European orchestral tradition and often influenced by folk music from different continents. Traditional tonality, extended melody lines and percussive patterns are often combined with humorous surprises and unusual sounds. This complexity usually results in a high grade of difficulty and sometimes this causes controversy with conductors and musicians.

    Music:

    Adagio (composer)
    Ainur, the (composer)
    All the binge bottles for the beat-and-blow-job-mob, the nimble naughty thirsty bunch on the loose (composer)
    All the mouth-watering meals for flashing Flora, the nimble naughty hungry ghost on the loose (composer)
    Aphrodite (composer)
    Aragorn (composer)
    Arco dell' Angelo, l' (composer)
    Armageddon (composer)
    Arnoldo (composer)
    Ballroom bamboozles (composer)
    Bam-Bam (composer)
    Cante jondo (composer)
    Cantico di frate sole (composer)
    Carnival (composer)
    Concerto for clarinet and band (composer)
    Cry for reunion, the (composer)
    Da pacem domine (composer)
    Desire and suffering (composer)
    Drenthe 2000 march (composer)
    Drie ventielkes (composer)
    Eighteen levels of hell, the (composer)
    Eijkhagen college jubilee march (composer)
    Fear and fury (composer)
    Fiefoerniek (composer)
    Hallucination (composer)
    Heavenly flute player (composer)
    Helmut Rainer Marsch (composer)
    Jazzica (composer)
    Jordons' gum chewers (composer)
    Kykládes (composer)
    Last hamburger in hungry town, the (composer)
    Leonardus rex (composer)
    Lest we forget (composer)
    Louice and Blue Eyes (composer)
    Lourdes Maria (composer)
    Maori (composer)
    Mea culpa (composer)
    Nirvana's touch (composer)
    Ollie goes bananas (composer)
    Once I was a dreamer (composer)
    Ostara (composer)
    Philips centennial march (composer)
    Poseidon (composer)
    Psalm 19 (composer)
    Pushing the limits (composer)
    Requiem for the captive condor (composer)
    Ritual (composer)
    Romantic ceremonial (composer)
    Romario (composer)
    Rondo skolion (composer)
    Säntis (composer)
    Singapore experience, the (composer)
    Sonetto (composer)
    Symphony n° 1 "Voice of mind" (composer)
    Symphony n° 2 "Revelations" (composer)
    Take a walk (composer)
    Ten romantic moods (composer)
    Three storms, the (composer)
    U mundu drentu a ti (composer)
    Uncle Noomes and uncle Toomes (composer)
    Variazioni sinfoniche su "non potho reposare" (composer)
    Walhalla (composer)
    Xenia Sarda (composer)
    Zitterd (composer)
    Zodiac limit for the lion (composer)
    Festwies polka (Chodounska) (arranger)
    Finale (from Symphony n° 1 "The Titan") (arranger)
    Impressioni di Sardegna (arranger)
    Symphony n° 9 (arranger)
    Waltz for violins (arranger)
    Wind and tree (arranger)

    How's that for service!

    :wink:
     
  3. dyl

    dyl Active Member

    :shock: :roll:
     
  4. TheMusicMan

    TheMusicMan tMP Founder Staff Member

    Service.... phaaaa, darned useless - can't even get a photo right eh... I dunno... just can't get the staff nopwadays eh!! :D :D
     
  5. Normans

    Normans New Member

    CJ

    Have you ever played "The Dong with a Luminous Nose" I have and recorded it with the Composer conducting. That certainlay raised a smile or two at the recording session!! Extra points on offer if you can tell me the Composer and Band. No clever clogs using search engines now, this is a good band trivia question. Gentlemen start your engines, the clock is ticking!
     
  6. tubatu

    tubatu Member

    The piece was composed by Joseph Horovitz on behalf of Kibworth's 70th Anniversary concert.
    Originally it was a poem by Edward Lear, here is the poem,

    When awful darkness and silence reign
    Over the great Gromboolian plain,
    Through the long, long wintry nights;--
    When the angry breakers roar
    As they beat on the rocky shore;--
    When Storm-clouds brood on the towering heights
    Of the Hills of the Chankly Bore:--

    Then, through the vast and gloomy dark,
    There moves what seems a fiery spark,
    A lonely spark with silvery rays
    Piercing the coal-black night,--
    A Meteor strange and bright:--
    Hither and thither the vision strays,
    A single lurid light.

    Slowly it wanders,--pauses,--creeeps,--
    Anon it sparkles,--flashes and leaps;
    And ever as onward it gleaming goes
    A light on the Bong-tree stems it throws.
    And those who watch at that midnight hour
    From Hall or Terrace, or lofty Tower,
    Cry, as the wild light passes along,--
    'The Dong!--the Dong!
    'The wandering Dong through the forest goes!
    'The Dong! the Dong!
    'The Dong with a luminous Nose!'

    Long years ago
    The Dong was happy and gay,
    Till he fell in love with a Jumbly Girl
    Who came to those shores one day,
    For the Jumblies came in a sieve, they did,--
    Landing at eve near the Zemmery Fidd
    Where the Oblong Oysters grow,
    And the rocks are smooth and gray.
    And all the woods and the valleys rang
    With the Chorus they daily and nightly sang,--
    'Far and few, far and few,
    Are the lands where the Jumblies live;
    Their heads are green, and their hands are blue
    And they went to sea in a sieve.'

    Happily, happily passed those days!
    While the cheerful Jumblies staid;
    They danced in circlets all night long,
    To the plaintive pipe of the lively Dong,
    In moonlight, shine, or shade.
    For day and night he was always there
    By the side of the Jumbly Girl so fair,
    With her sky-blue hands, and her sea-green hair.
    Till the morning came of that hateful day
    When the Jumblies sailed in their sieve away,
    And the Dong was left on the cruel shore
    Gazing--gazing for evermore,--
    Ever keeping his weary eyes on
    That pea-green sail on the far horizon,--
    Singing the Jumbly Chorus still
    As he sate all day on the grassy hill,--
    'Far and few, far and few,
    Are the lands where the Jumblies live;
    Their heads are green, and their hands are blue
    And they went to sea in a sieve.'

    But when the sun was low in the West,
    The Dong arose and said;--
    --'What little sense I once possessed
    'Has quite gone out of my head!'--
    And since that day he wanders still
    By lake or forest, marsh and hill,
    Singing--'O somewhere, in valley or plain
    'Might I find my Jumbly Girl again!
    'For ever I'll seek by lake and shore
    'Till I find my Jumbly Girl once more!'

    Playing a pipe with silvery squeaks,
    Since then his Jumbly Girl he seeks,
    And because by night he could not see,
    He gathered the bark of the Twangum Tree
    On the flowery plain that grows.
    And he wove him a wondrous Nose,--
    A Nose as strange as a Nose could be!
    Of vast proportions and painted red,
    And tied with cords to the back of his head.
    --In a hollow rounded space it ended
    With a luminous Lamp within suspended,
    All fenced about
    With a bandage stout
    To prevent the wind from blowing it out;--
    And with holes all round to send the light,
    In gleaming rays on the dismal night.

    And now each night, and all night long,
    Over those plains still roams the Dong;
    And above the wall of the Chimp and Snipe
    You may hear the sqeak of his plaintive pipe
    While ever he seeks, but seeks in vain
    To meet with his Jumbly Girl again;
    Lonely and wild--all night he goes,--
    The Dong with a luminous Nose!
    And all who watch at the midnight hour,
    From Hall or Terrace, or lofty Tower,
    Cry, as they trace the Meteor bright,
    Moving along through the dreary night,--
    'This is the hour when forth he goes,
    'The Dong with a luminous Nose!
    'Yonder--over the plain he goes,
    'He goes!
    'He goes;
    'The Dong with a luminous Nose!'
     
  7. Keppler

    Keppler Moderator Staff Member

    hee hee... brilliant! :D
    Beat that one, all you composer-types...
     
  8. The Cornet King

    The Cornet King Active Member

    OK Roger. Now i'd call that showing off! :)

    CJ
    Front Row, Cottingham Band.
     
  9. Razor

    Razor Member

    The dong with .........

    The recording in question was the double CD "Joseph Horovitz - Music for Brass Band" recorded by the then CWS(Glasgow) Band and Brass Berner Oberland.

    Razor
    :wink:
     
  10. Straightmute

    Straightmute Active Member

    Frank Zappa is the master of dodgy titles - and it has to be said some fairly dodgy music too! Sorry for the very long list...

    Plastic People
    The Duke of Prunes
    Amnesia Vivace
    The Duke Regains His Chops
    Call Any Vegetable
    Invocation And Ritual Dance of The Young Pumpkins
    Soft-sell Conclusion
    Big Leg Emma
    Why Don'tcha Do Me Right?
    America Drinks
    Status Back Baby
    Uncle Bernie's Farm
    Son Of Suzy Creamcheese
    Brown Shoes Don't Make It
    America Drinks & Goes Home

    Apostrophe
    Don't Eat The Yellow Snow
    Nanook Rubs It
    St. Alphonzo's Pancake Breakfast
    Father O'Blivion
    Cosmik Debris
    Excentrifugal Forz
    Apostrophe'
    Uncle Remus
    Stink-Foot

    Bongo Fuey
    DEBRA KADABRA
    CAROLINA HARD-CORE ECSTASY
    SAM WITH THE SHOWING SCALP FLAT TOP
    POOFTER'S FROTH WYOMING PLANS AHEAD
    200 YEARS OLD
    CUCAMONGA
    ADVANCE ROMANCE
    MAN WITH THE WOMAN HEAD
    MUFFIN MAN

    broadway the hard way
    ELVIS HAS JUST LEFT THE BUILDING
    PLANET OF THE BARITONE WOMEN
    ANY KIND OF PAIN
    DICKIE'S SUCH AN ASSHOLE
    WHEN THE LIE'S SO BIG
    RHYMIN' MAN
    PROMISCUOUS
    THE UNTOUCHABLES
    WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME?
    BACON FAT
    STOLEN MOMENTS
    MURDER BY NUMBERS
    JEZEBEL BOY
    OUTSIDE NOW
    HOT PLATE HEAVEN AT THE GREEN HOTEL
    WHAT KIND OF GIRL?
    JESUS THINKS YOU'RE A JERK

    chungas revenge
    TRANSYLVANIAN BOOGIE
    ROAD LADIES
    TWENTY SMALL CIGARS
    THE NANCY & MARY MUSIC
    TELL ME YOU LOVE ME
    WOULD YOU GO ALL THE WAY?
    CHUNGA'S REVENGE
    THE CLAP
    RUDY WANTS TO BUY YEZ A DRINK
    SHARLEENA

    crusing with rubin and the jets
    CHEAP THRILLS
    LOVE OF MY LIFE
    HOW COULD I BE SUCH A FOOL
    DESERI
    I'M NOT SATISFIED
    JELLY ROLL GUM DROP
    ANYTHING
    LATER THAT NIGHT
    YOU DIDN'T TRY TO CALL ME
    FOUNTAIN OF LOVE
    "NO. NO. NO."
    ANYWAY THE WIND BLOWS
    STUFF UP THE CRACKS

    fillmore east
    THE MUD SHARK
    WHAT KIND OF GIRL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?
    BWANA DIK
    LATEX SOLAR BEEF
    DO YOU LIKE MY NEW CAR?

    One Size Fits All
    Inca Roads
    Can't Afford No Shoes
    Po-Jama People
    Florentine Pogen
    Evelyn, A Modified Dog
    San Ber'dino
    Andy
    Sofa No. 2

    Overnite Sensation
    Camarillo Brillo
    I'm The Slime
    Dirty Love
    50/50
    Zomby Woof
    Dinah-Moe Humm
    Montana

    Sheik Yerbouti
    I Have Been In You
    Flakes
    Broken Hearts Are For Assholes
    I'm So Cute
    Jones Crusher
    What ever happened to all the fun in the world
    Rat Tomago
    We've Got To Get Into Something Real
    Bobby Brown
    Rubber Shirt
    The Sheik Yerbouti Tango
    Baby Snakes
    Tryin' To Grow A Chin
    City Of Tiny Lights
    Dancin' Fool
    Jewish Princess
    Wild Love
    Yo' Mama

    the man from utopia
    COCAINE DECISIONS
    SEX
    TINK WALKS AMOK
    THE RADIO IS BROKEN
    WE ARE NOT ALONE
    THE DANGEROUS KITCHEN
    THE MAN FROM UTOPIA MEETS MARY LOU
    STICK TOGETHER
    THE JAZZ DISCHARGE PARTY HATS
    LUIGI & THE WISE GUYS
    MOGGIO

    Them Or Us
    THE CLOSER YOU ARE
    IN FRANCE
    YA HOZNA
    SHARLEENA
    SINISTER FOOTWEAR II
    TRUCK DRIVER DIVORCE
    STEVIE'S SPANKING
    BABY, TAKE YOUR TEETH OUT
    MARQUESON'S CHICKEN
    PLANET OF MY DREAMS
    BE IN MY VIDEO
    THEM OR US
    FROGS WITH DIRTY LITTLE LIPS
    WHIPPIN' POST

    we're only in it for the money
    ARE YOU HUNG UP?
    WHO NEEDS THE PEACE CORPS?
    CONCENTRATION MOON
    MOM & DAD
    TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
    BOW TIE DADDY
    HARRY, YOU'RE A BEAST
    WHAT'S THE UGLIEST PART OF YOUR BODY?
    ABSOLUTELY FREE
    FLOWER PUNK
    HOT POOP
    NASAL RETENTIVE CALLIOPE MUSIC
    LET'S MAKE THE WATER TURN BLACK
    THE IDIOT BASTARD SON
    LONELY LITTLE GIRL
    TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF WHEN YOU DANCE
    WHAT'S THE UGLIEST PART OF YOUR BODY (REPRISE)
    MOTHER PEOPLE
    THE CHROME PLATED MEGAPHONE OF DESTINY

    zoot allures
    WIND UP WORKIN' IN THE GAS STATION
    BLACK NAPKINS
    THE TORTURE NEVER STOPS
    MS. PINKY
    FIND HER FINER
    FRIENDLY LITTLE FINGER
    WONDERFUL WINO
    ZOOT ALLURES
    DISCO BOY
     
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  12. Dave Payn

    Dave Payn Active Member

    And boy, have I got a selection I could show you too!

    From the band Half Man Half Biscuit.....

    I Hate Nerys Hughes from the Heart
    All I Want for Christmas Is A Dukla Prague Away Kit
    I Left My Heart In Papworth General
    Ninety Nine Percent of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd

    (won't mention the dirty ones!)

    Other selected titles:

    My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink And I Don't Love Jesus
    Daschunds With Erections Can't Climb Stairs
    Busting To Sound Like Emlyn Hughes
    Ethel The Transexual Spider
    Dr Bannister's Patent Scrotal Rupture Truss
     
  13. Roger Thorne

    Roger Thorne Active Member

    Re: Worlds wackiest piece names?? (these are seriously stran

    I'm going to get moderated for this one, I know, but it is true!!

    David Beal (Headline Music) has a Brass Band piece published entitled:

    Cock Up Your Beaver!

    :shock:
     
  14. Straightmute

    Straightmute Active Member

    Re: Worlds wackiest piece names?? (these are seriously stran

    A group of us from tHB heard that in a park over the summer. Unfortunately the conductor didn't announce the titles of pieces so I had to ask the chap who went round with the tin what it was called. In fact we all did... I'd like to apologise profusely to that gentleman if he reads tMP. Our uncouth behaviour was not warranted.

    D
     
  15. Dave Payn

    Dave Payn Active Member

    Re: Worlds wackiest piece names?? (these are seriously stran

    It means 'Doff your cap' :lol:
     
  16. Keppler

    Keppler Moderator Staff Member

    sorry - just struck me...
    that's one per clarinet..
     
  17. Bigchap

    Bigchap New Member

    Worlds wackiest piece names??

    Showers of gold.
    Crazy cornet solo, crazy title

    Big Chap
     
  18. The Cornet King

    The Cornet King Active Member

    Re: Worlds wackiest piece names?? (these are seriously stran

    Thou art a bad man Roger. But it sounds like a good piece to me!

    CJ
    Fron row, :D Cottingham band.
     
  19. Moy

    Moy Active Member

    Yes Alan didn't you play it with the National Youth Brass Band of Scotland if so it shows you are even older than I thought you were. :lol:
    If you didn't they played it as well.
    It was recorded by the old SCWS or was it CWS Scotland???
     
  20. Normans

    Normans New Member

    Moira

    You are right and wrong!

    I am not as old as you think, as i didn't play it with NYBBS, but I did record it with CWS Glasgow with Joseph Horowitz conducting.

    I think "Cock Up Your Beaver" should win as the best title. I remember the first time i saw it on a trade stand, with Gavin Lindsay (ex Sop. - CWS) he was doubled up laughing. :lol:

    PS If you are tring to get me on my mobile phone, save yourself the effort - I left it in the hotel in London :oops: Should have it back by Wednesday.
     
  21. Accidental

    Accidental Supporting Member

    "Cock up your Beaver" has go on the prog for next year's gala concert at the finals.....it'll be worth the ticket price just to hear Sheila Tracey announcing it!!!!!!

    We've got a sop solo called BILITIS - sounds like a nasty case of vd, and one of our basses reckons its the main theme from a porn flick?!
     
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