THIRTY EIGHT LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE 1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6. Any woman can have the body of a 21 year old......as long as she buys him a few drinks first. 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10. Getting older is like visiting an all-you-can-buffet. What should be hot is cold, what should be firm is limp, and the buns are bigger than anything else on the menu. 11. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 13. I’m starting to wonder how bad four years with no president would be. 14. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 15. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 16. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 17. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 19. It’s scary when you start making the same noises and your coffee-maker. 20. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 21. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 22. Procrastinate Now! 23. Men are always shining about how we’re suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining you’re not pressing hard enough on the pillow! 24. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 25. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 26. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 27. I don’t iron. If I’m not wrinkle free, shy should my clothes be? 28. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 29. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 30. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 31. I keep hitting ‘escape’ but I’m still here. 32. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 33. Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you? 34. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 35. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 36. Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down...are the ones that got you mad in the first place? 37. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 38. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.