Well and truly stitched up!

Discussion in 'The Rehearsal Room' started by MattB, Oct 2, 2006.

  1. MattB

    MattB Member

    I don't know if your conductor uses somewhat 'flowery' words to try and convey the mood of a piece, but I certainly do! Unbeknownst to me my band has been compiling a list of 'Mattisms' which our webmaster has now posted onto our site. Some of them even I can't believe I used!

    It made me chuckle, see what you guys think!

    www.littleboroughband.co.uk and click on Conductor's page, then click on my lovely picture!

    Let me know if these are the worst you've heard an MD use.

    Slightly embarrased,

  2. Rapier

    Rapier Supporting Member

    So is English not your first language then? I'd have no idea what you were talking about for nearly all of those. :)
  3. Eupher6

    Eupher6 Member

    One that I remember very well was directed toward the xylophone player in a piece that was up-tempo, fiery, and intended to render some excitement:

    "I want to see WOOD CHIPS flying off of those mallets! Forget those stupid plastic mallets and get some METAL MALLETS!!!!!"

    Another one, from the same conductor, was:

    "We're revving up here like an off-kilter merry-go-round!"
  4. alanl58

    alanl58 Member

    What a lovely selection of quotes....

    But what is that lovely "flooring" that the band are sitting on in the photos?

    We could do with a bit of that at some of our summer venues, though I doubt it could cope with the Cornish hills...!

  5. Bass Trumpet

    Bass Trumpet Active Member

    Riminds me of a lovely story about Frank Mathison, retired bass trombone of the LSO. A conductor was using very vague and flowery language to describe how he wanted Frank to play. Rather perplexed, Frank asks "Does tha' want it noble?" :biggrin:
  6. meandmycornet

    meandmycornet Active Member

    Ah bless! Such a lovely selection of quotes Matt.... certainly made me chuckle :tongue:
    I think my favourites have to be .... 'woofy woofy woofy' and the wonderful 'nice and petaly'! :D
  7. We've had 'tuning like a bouncy castle' and 'let the music flow round the room like when you shake a duvet'. (the ripple effect from section to section)
  8. thecapoots

    thecapoots New Member

    How about, "That was supposed to be a unison entrance! It sounded like... I don't know... someone dropped a set of keys or something!"
  9. Dave Euph

    Dave Euph Member

    As sharp as a sharp thing that's being sharpened!

    Or ...

    As flat as a flat thing that's being flattened!

    And how about being asked to make your line "sparkle" ... when you're doing everything you can already to your part? That one constantly got me, as no matter what new trick I tried it was never right. :)
  10. sugarandspice

    sugarandspice Active Member

    "Whack whacky whack"

    Genius!! I like that one :)



    best one that I have heard is fro a rather well known conductor, who has said on more that one occasion:


    Probably the most effective one to get our all female back row play louder was when they were in the junior band and the father in law said to them...

    "I knew I was right about that... boys can play louder than girls!"

    Lets just say that it worked;)
  12. iggmeister

    iggmeister Member

    Best descriptions about playing I have heard from a conductor were:

    On describing the euphs, baritones and basses in a bass solo in a march "That was as loose as a sack of diarrhoea"

    On listening to the second horn player giving a tuning note "I've heard better noises from a goat"

    (Slightly different but still was funny) Upon telling someone that they were not good enough for a band:

    Conductor - "Have you ever thought about playing a bigger instrument?"
    Player - "No"
    Conductor - "What about the piano..."

  13. Flugelmahorn

    Flugelmahorn Member

    I remember going to band after a summer break of 3 weeks or so and the conductor using an analogy comparing the state of the playing to the words of Paganini.....

    "If I haven't practised for a day, I notice. If I haven't practiced for 2 days, my friends notice. If I don't practice for a week the whole world notices."

    The conductor concluded with...."It's obvious you lot have been doing a fair amount of advertising."


    I should not be laughing like this at work!!!!!!!:clap: :clap: :D
  15. ian perks

    ian perks Active Member

    A classic from one conductor who shall remain nameless who i was conducted by
    Cornets those quavers sound like chickens laying eggs!!!!!!
    Another aimed at the trombone section
    WE are going to a CONTEST this saturday not playing in the Circus with the clowns at BLACKPOOL:biggrin:
    The same practise:
    Basses play the notes dont tinkle your lips on the mouthpiece and look like Glamour Girls:oops: :oops:
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2006
  16. Lawrencediana

    Lawrencediana Member

    A comment made to me by an esteemed conductor was lead the section Lawrence, not astray.
  17. floral_dance

    floral_dance Member

    Rumpy pumpy :clap:
  18. persins

    persins Member

    I managed to successfully play Conductor bingo one night at rehearsal!

    I had a really bad day at work and was not looking forward to going to band and to cheer myself up, I printed a load of his favourite sayings onto A4 cards.

    I sat there at rehearsal and every time he said one of the phrases, I held up the corresponding card!! I managed to get about 10 done in that rehearsal!!!

    Thankfully, he saw the funny side of it and began to mix up the phrases somewhat after that!

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