Trumpet crimes

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by Dave Payn, Jul 9, 2005.

  1. Dave Payn

    Dave Payn Active Member

    I put this on here last year, so really, it's for the benefit of those who've joined since. How many have YOU been guilty of? All in jest of course (which particularly applies to trombonists....)

    TRUMPET CRIMES

    NAME OF OFFENDER:
    INFRACTION DATE: __________________________
    __________________________

    MUSICAL OFFENCE AND FINE
    Playing highest note possible in warm- up £100
    Sound-checking mic with obnoxious jazz licks £15
    Raising hand after mistake £15
    Practicing multiple tonguing not called for on gig £15
    Blacking out after high note £20
    Obnoxiously show-offy warm-up £25
    Taking tuning note up an octave £25
    Vibrato on unison passage £50
    Failure to use 3rd valve slide £50
    Playing B-flat when band tunes to A £75
    Being told by conductor to play louder £400
    Failure to swing £1000

    LEAD PLAYERS
    Changing mouthpieces mid-song £10
    Faking section into early entrance £20
    Faking self into early entrances £25
    Missing high lick, then mentioning previous gig(s) £25
    Asking conductor if it's ok to take a lick up £25
    Asking conductor if it's ok to take a lick down £400
    Taking a lick down that you took up in rehearsal £100
    Missing last note of "In the Mood" £200

    SECTION/NON-LEAD PLAYERS
    Missing entrance when lead drops out £15
    Pointing out to the lead that guy on the record took that last lick up £20
    Attempting unassigned lick biffed by lead £50
    Asking lead what mouthpiece he uses £75
    Hanging over past lead on last chord £100
    Attempting to out-screech lead on last chord £100
    Successfully out-screeching lead at any time £500


    EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS
    Playing with screw on rim £10
    Polishing horn on stage £15
    Dropping mute £10
    Dropping horn: Repairs + £20
    Dropping dead: Warning
    Forgetting pencil £20
    Forgetting mute(s) £50 each
    Forgetting bowtie or socks £30
    Forgetting mouthpiece £30
    Forgetting magazine £100
    Blaming mistake on sticky valves £25
    Getting marble or similar object stuck down bell £75

    CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
    Having nicest gig-bag in section £10
    Talking about the great deal you got on a new horn £10
    Hawking old horn on bandstand £10
    Quoting Herb Alpert or Mangione Song £25
    Farting on bandstand £25
    Defecating on bandstand £75
    Practicing legit style on swing gig £35
    Discussing how plentiful gigs were in the old days £50
    Beginning a sentence with "When I played for Kenton..." £50
    Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theatre that you also play keyboards £100

    BASIC STUPIDITY
    Playing on a Jet-tone mouthpiece £25
    Continually asking "where are we? £25
    Drunkenness on stage £50
    Stoned on stage £50
    Pretending to be friends with a trombone player £200
    Actually being friends with a trombone player £750
    Dating a trombone player £3000
    Loaning money to bone player £4x amount loaned
    Sitting next to conductor at meals £100
     
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  3. sevenhelz

    sevenhelz Active Member

    >.< ooh, i owe many thousands... :oops:
    not telling.
    xx
     
  4. trumpetmike

    trumpetmike Active Member

    How about a slight rewrite for brass band cornet players?

    NAME OF OFFENDER:
    INFRACTION DATE: __________________________
    __________________________

    MUSICAL OFFENCE AND FINE
    Playing any note above the stave in warm- up £100
    Noticing a mistake £15
    Practicing multiple tonguing not called for on gig £15 (although if you can find one of these, congratulations)
    Blacking out after playing above the stave £20
    Obnoxiously show-offy warm-up £25 (all cornet players immediately owe £25 ;) )
    Taking tuning note up an octave £25
    Lack of vibrato on unison passage £50
    Knowing what the triggers do £50
    Knowing what note to tune to in a situation other than a brass band £75
    Being told by conductor to play with more vibrato £400
    Swinging £1000

    SOPRANO PLAYERS
    Changing mouthpieces mid-song £10
    Faking section into early entrance £20
    Faking self into early entrances £25
    Missing high lick, then mentioning previous gig(s) £25
    Asking conductor if it's ok to take a lick up £25
    Asking conductor if it's ok to take a lick down £400
    Taking a lick down that you took up in rehearsal £100

    (amazing how little of this one needs even the slightest altering)

    SECTION PLAYERS
    Missing entrance when principal drops out £15
    Pointing out to the soprano that Peter Roberts on the record took that last lick up £20
    Warming up playing the solo passages played by the principal £50
    Asking principal what mouthpiece he uses £75
    Attempting to out-screech soprano on last chord £100
    Successfully out-screeching soprano at any time £500


    EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS
    Playing on anything other than a Wick mouthpiece £10
    Playing on anything other than Wick mutes £25
    Playing on anything other than a Besson (Schilke if soprano player) £50
    Polishing horn on stage £15
    Dropping mute £10
    Dropping horn: Repairs + £20
    Dropping dead: Warning (unless back row player - then won't be noticed)
    Knowing what a pencil is £20
    Forgetting mute(s) £50 each
    Forgetting bowtie or socks £30
    Forgetting mouthpiece £30
    Forgetting magazine £100
    Blaming mistake on sticky valves £25
    Getting marble or similar object stuck down bell £75

    CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
    Having nicest gig-bag in section £10
    Talking about the great deal you got on a new cornet £10
    Hawking old cornet on bandstand £10
    Using McCann vibrato £25
    Farting on bandstand £25
    Defecating on bandstand £75
    Practicing swing style £35
    Discussing how plentiful gigs were in the old days £50
    Beginning a sentence with "When I played for Dyke..." £50
    Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theatre that you also play trumpet £100

    BASIC STUPIDITY
    Playing on any mouthpiece without Wick on £25
    Continually asking "where are we? £25
    Sobriety on stage £50
    Stoned on stage £50
    Pretending to be friends with a trombone player £200
    Actually being friends with a trombone player £750
    Dating a trombone player £3000
    Loaning money to bone player £4x amount loaned
    Sitting next to conductor at meals £100
    Sitting next to conductor and talking to him £5000


    This is meant in jest - please don't take seriously
     
  5. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    Going by the brass band version I owe £10,570.

    Will you take PayPal?
    BMB
    xx
     
  6. Just Crazy

    Just Crazy Member

    I havent done too bad really i only owe £11,550!

    you will have to take me to court, where i will agree to pay £2.50 a week should only take me 4620 weeks to pay, thats only 88 years.lol
     
  7. Mister 4x4

    Mister 4x4 Member

    Please tell me this isn't retro-active past 5 years. :D
     
  8. sevenhelz

    sevenhelz Active Member

    o...kay. assuming i only made each offense once... the ones that i remember doing anyway :oops:
    £3950, or £8400 :eek::eek: and i play euph!! :rolleyes:
    so does taking the tuning note down an octave give me extra penalties? :redface:
    xx
     
  9. axio

    axio Member

    I'd have to ask though: who the hell puts a marble in their bell....
    until I met someone stupid enough to have done it....
     
  10. Just Crazy

    Just Crazy Member

    I once dropped my lipsil down the bell!

    I have to have a lipsil handy when im playing, i leave it on my stand and i knocked my stand and down it went. It got completely lodged.oops

    im ever so careful now!
     
  11. andyp

    andyp Active Member

    Sheesh - I think I might need a second mortgage!
     
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  13. John Brooks

    John Brooks Well-Known Member

    I think there's (at least) one offense missing. I went to a concert and the principal cornet actually forgot his instrument and had to do the gig on a borrowed one. Not sure what the fine should be but I think it should be pretty significant :)

    On the version edited for brass bands, how about a fine for soprano players holding the last high note on for an extra bit, just to show off?
     
  14. brasscrest

    brasscrest Active Member

    Leaving one's instrument behind is not just for cornet players - when the National Capital Band went to New York for a weekend in February, one of our Eb tuba players failed to bring his instrument. And then he waited until we got to the destination before reporting this fact to anyone. We left for the trip from a local SA corps (where I happen to be bandmaster), with a perfectly good Eb bass sitting in the band room, all he had to do was mention that his instrument wasn't there and we could have taken that tuba with us. We ended up having to scramble to borrow a tuba from the NYSB after we got to New York.
     
  15. BOB_

    BOB_ Member

    ive tried to play with a spare mouthpiece and a bag of crisps stuck down my bass' bell it took a while to fiure it out how much does that cost cos i already owe about 15,000 :frown:
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2005
  16. supersop_1

    supersop_1 Account Suspended

    I think im probably guilty of most of them,Never been asked to play louder though!!!!!!!;)
     
  17. flower girl

    flower girl Member

    oh my god i think i'd need to take out a loan to pay the humongous amount that i 've been fined
     
  18. gawber

    gawber Active Member

    After his school band practise, my son remembered to bring his cornet case home, unfortunately he forgot to put his cornet in it! :clap:
     

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