To the ladies, from the lads.

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by Well Worth It, Jan 16, 2004.

  1. Well Worth It

    Well Worth It Active Member

    Dear Girls

    For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of
    equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins.

    No more! The man fights back!!

    Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead.... Long live the Man of 2004.
    Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is.....

    1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your a*se down to the gym.
    2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bl**dy thing down.
    3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it.
    4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present... again.
    5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
    6. Saturday = Sport. Let it be.
    7. Shopping is not a sport.
    8. Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!.
    9. Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don't work.
    10. Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
    11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?
    12. 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.
    13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
    14. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
    15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.
    16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
    17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument.
    18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bl**dy chocolate you eat!!
    19. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.
    20. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. > >
    21. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
    22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
    23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks.
    24. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
    25. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
    26. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
    27. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well.
    28. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, warm beer and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.
    29. Do not question our sense of direction.

    If you can learn the above, then man and woman can co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect.

    The ball's in your court.
    Sincerely,
    The Lads
     
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  3. Big Twigge

    Big Twigge Active Member

    Similar kind of thing.

    WORDS WOMEN USE


    ******************************


    FINE


    This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right
    and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -
    this will cause you to have one of those arguments.





    FIVE MINUTES


    This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
    football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an
    even trade.





    NOTHING


    This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
    usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
    inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
    argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"





    GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )


    This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing"
    and will end with the word "Fine"





    GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)


    This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will
    get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
    and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools
    off.





    LOUD SIGH


    This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
    misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
    that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
    arguing with you over "Nothing"





    SOFT SIGH


    Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is
    content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.





    THAT'S OKAY


    This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
    "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
    back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with
    the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."





    GO AHEAD!


    At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big
    trouble.





    PLEASE DO


    This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
    come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
    that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and
    you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"





    THANKS


    A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.





    THANKS A LOT


    This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
    she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in
    some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to
    ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"


    Hehe on so many levels!
     
  4. PeterBale

    PeterBale Moderator Staff Member

    You missed out "Do what you like", and "You can go if you want", which was my wife's reaction when I was asked to go for a weekend visit to Scotland with a band a few years ago.

    I did do what I liked, and I did go, but was not very popular for doing so :oops: :oops: :oops:
     
  5. shedophone

    shedophone Member

    He he. If i wasnt such a feminist i'd say that is hilarious cos its completely true!
     
  6. Okiedokie of Oz

    Okiedokie of Oz Active Member

    So far it appears to be on par with my observations...
     
  7. Well Worth It

    Well Worth It Active Member

    May I add one?

    PICK WHICH EVER YOU WANT
    This never means "it's your choice", rather "decide very carefully which one you think I'LL want, then get that". Woe betide you if you mis-select, you'll get a "THAT'S OK".

    Oo hang on I've thought of another one.
    When out and about, I've often heard:

    DO YOU WANT A DRINK?
    Rather than the offer of a free beverage as I once assumed, this actually means "I want a drink and I think you should get to the bar and get it for me. It doesn't matter that you've bought the last ten, 'cos some aspects of sexual inequality we're actually quite keen to hold on to, as it suits us best". "Dear".
     
  8. Big Twigge

    Big Twigge Active Member

    Arh the beauty of the equality(!)....
    You may be expected to buy us lovely ladies a drink or too, but most men get paid more than women doing the same job so....spend it on us, thats best I thinks!
     
  9. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    Yes.... but men do that job with less nagging ;)
     
  10. akwarose

    akwarose Active Member

    face it. women and men are different. i'm not sayin they r not equal. just that they are different. for example, women differ from men in that they have more than one braincell, and they know how to use it sensibly.
    we (that is to say women) are also capable of emotions on many different levels, whereas men are capable of about 3, all on one base level.
    i think you will find therefore that its women who make the world go round, but let the men think thats their job out of pure sympathy :p
     
  11. Well Worth It

    Well Worth It Active Member

    Yeah, embarassment, futility and regret.
     
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  13. Okiedokie of Oz

    Okiedokie of Oz Active Member

    a Q and A for Women

    Q. Why are men such jerks?
    A. It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to the PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

    Q. Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
    A. Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

    Q. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
    A. We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

    Q. Why do men always say such stupid things?
    A. We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

    Q. Why are men so uncommunicative?
    A. You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

    Q. Why do men have to act like such retards?
    A. Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

    Q. Why can't men just share their feelings?
    A. Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

    Q. Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
    A. Please...how many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end, on the other hand, is a whole other story.

    Q. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
    A. Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

    Q. Why can't men just say "I love you?"
    A. Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

    Q. Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
    A. Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

    Q. What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"
    A. 1. Please sleep with me.
    2. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
    3. I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
    4. Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
    5. What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
    6. Stop nagging me.
    7. What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

    Q. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
    A. We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

    Q. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
    A. Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

    Q. What's with all the belching and farting?
    A. This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

    Q. Why do men hate shopping?
    A. It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?

    Q. Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?
    A. Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.

    Q. Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?
    A. Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for?

    Q. Why do men act like they own the remote control?
    A. What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.

    Q. Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?
    A. Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)

    Q. Why do men fear commitment?
    A. Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.

    Q. What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?"
    A. It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.

    Q. What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"
    A. Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.

    Q. Do all men really masterbate?
    A. Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.

    Q. Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?
    A. Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masterbate?)

    Q. Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor coordination?
    A. It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See also: Do all men really masterbate?)

    Q. Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?
    A. As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.

    Q. Why do men like younger women?
    A. Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're
    easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.

    Q. Why do men only have one thing on their minds?
    A. While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.

    Q. How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?
    A. Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.

    Q. Why are men such dogs?
    A. I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient...
     
  14. Well Worth It

    Well Worth It Active Member

    Brilliant. I love it.
    Photocopy this thread, and circulate to all females.
    Let the lessons go forth, and teach the fair maidens of this land.
    And the unfair ones better listen hard as well.
     
  15. backrowbloke

    backrowbloke Member

    Twigge, the one i didnt see in your list was
    'Its in the cupboard'

    I used to get this a lot when asking where are particular item was in the Kitchen....good answer considering there were many, many cupboards :?

    This used to be followed after 5 minutes fruitless searching by the load sigh and her going straight to the item :(
     
  16. Okiedokie of Oz

    Okiedokie of Oz Active Member

    When I went to a wedding last year, I didn't know my way off the freeway to the little bushtown, and the bridesmaid was travveling with me and my carload. She offered her assistance, which amde things easy as I was too busy focussing on cops and cars, and my principal passenger is useless with maps.

    However, she turned out to be useless as whenever we came to an intersection, she'd say "Go that way!" and point.........

    A fat lot of good that does me!!
     
  17. Well Worth It

    Well Worth It Active Member

    I bet she mocked you for not the way yourself though!
     
  18. WhatSharp?

    WhatSharp? Active Member

    By nagging the men to keep peddling! :D :D :D
     
  19. PeterBale

    PeterBale Moderator Staff Member

    I've been picked up several times by my family for pointing while giving directions over the phone :oops: :oops: :oops:
     
  20. Okiedokie of Oz

    Okiedokie of Oz Active Member

    Vidphone will be your best friend, then Peter!
     

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