The Vodka Scooter

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by MRSH, Dec 21, 2005.

  1. MRSH

    MRSH Supporting Member

    The Vodka Scooter.............

    How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought, 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

    The answer to this puzzle is that you used a 'Vodka Scooter.' The Vodka Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices.

    The Vodka Scooter works in the following fashion:

    The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Vodka Scooter.

    The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second questions after a night out, 'How did I spend so much money?'

    Unfortunately, Vodka Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as bruised legs, poorly toes and a sore spot on the top of your head.

    An undocumented feature of the Vodka Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out, 'What the hell happened?'

    With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often, lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

    Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

    For the young ladies, Vodka Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your downstairs neighbours. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

    The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 stolen Marlboro Lights in a single night, regardless of whether or not said person is a regular smoker or not.

    P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a small outfit.

    Vodka scooters, wonders of modern technology...have you ever had a ride on one??!!
  2. lausonbass

    lausonbass Member

    wow that answers alot of questions, at least i know now. Can cope with all the bruises gained but really wish that he could get thoughs beer googles sorted, they cause real issues.
  3. lottie4744

    lottie4744 Member

    Finally.... sense is made!
  4. flower girl

    flower girl Member

    ahhhhhhh but how do u explain the common mistake of ending up in some1 elses bed, dos the vodka scooter transport the pair of you back to theirs?
  5. 2nd man down

    2nd man down Moderator Staff Member

    :eek: :shock: Leave it people...far too many jokes!! :icon_cheesygrin:
  6. Cornishwomble

    Cornishwomble Active Member

    must keep words in, no no it's too easy :icon_wink:
  7. 2nd man down

    2nd man down Moderator Staff Member

    Does madandcrazyunfeasablylongusername know about that?!?!?
  8. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    Does the vodka scooter know which pub you're in even if you don't? I think I may have used it once or twice...:icon_rolleyes:
  9. 2nd man down

    2nd man down Moderator Staff Member

    Well I'd like to lodge a complaint because when I was young and wreckless my Vodka Scooter used to break down in Heckmondwike, and on the third sunday morning in a row waking up in Heckmondwike Park I woke to find myself covered in a thick frost!! To this day I'm convinced I was just too darn drunk to freeze to death! :icon_sad:
  10. HorniKaz

    HorniKaz Supporting Member

    If the Vodka Scooter freezes, does it turn into a Jelly?? And is it more reliable than a gin/bacardi/whisky/lager/bitter scooter??

    But hey................

    I LOVE THE VODKA SCOOTER!! ITS MY FRIEND :icon_cheesygrin: :icon_cheesygrin: :icon_cheesygrin:
  11. Dave Payn

    Dave Payn Active Member

    There's one addition to the Vodka Scooter features which has been omitted, the CRAFT add on, where memory from a certain period of inebriation until sobriety is completely lost.
  12. wow!!!! how much better do I feel knowin the answers to all those morning after questions?!?!?!?! god bless the vodka scooter!!
  13. Nigel Hall

    Nigel Hall Supporting Member

    Ah yes, The CRAFT add on....My scooter seems to have excess amounts of CRAFT....or is it just coz I'm getting old!!!!!

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