The Queen takes charge of the USofA!!

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by MRSH, Nov 6, 2008.

  1. MRSH

    MRSH Supporting Member


    [FONT=&quot]A message from the Queen...[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]
    [FONT=&quot]To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).[/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]Both houses of Congress will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.[/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:[/FONT]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]-----------------------[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour,' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]-----------------------[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [FONT=&quot]2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'[/FONT]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]-----------------------[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [FONT=&quot]3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.[/FONT]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]-----------------------[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [FONT=&quot]4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse...[/FONT]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]-----------------------[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [FONT=&quot]5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.[/FONT]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]-----------------------[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [FONT=&quot]6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.[/FONT]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]-----------------------[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [FONT=&quot]7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.[/FONT]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]-----------------------[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [FONT=&quot]8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.[/FONT]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]-----------------------[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [FONT=&quot]9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.[/FONT]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]-----------------------[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [FONT=&quot]10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.[/FONT]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]-----------------------[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [FONT=&quot]11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancy boys).[/FONT]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]-----------------------[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [FONT=&quot]12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.[/FONT]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]-----------------------[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [FONT=&quot]13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.[/FONT]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]-----------------------[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [FONT=&quot]14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).[/FONT]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]-----------------------[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [FONT=&quot]15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.[/FONT]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]-----------------------[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [FONT=&quot]God Save the Queen![/FONT]

    [/FONT]
     
  2. theMouthPiece Related Searches

    Find more discussions like this one
    United States of America
    Elizabeth II
  3. animal.22

    animal.22 Member

    The quertion coming to my lips is............" Do we realy want them back? ":biggrin:
     
  4. rikster

    rikster New Member

    Come on Matt be fair to our colonial cousins. There are some good things that come out of America, the 1715 flight from Dallas to Gatwick is one.
     
  5. yank67

    yank67 Member

    You have just taken all the fun out of being an American.
     
  6. The Wherryman

    The Wherryman Active Member

    Oh, I didn't realise you were - I thought your user name was a euphemism :oops:
     
  7. yank67

    yank67 Member

    I play bass, not the euphemism:biggrin:

    Yes I am a yanky doodle dandy:clap:
     
  8. Thirteen Ball

    Thirteen Ball Active Member

    You forgot the bit about pronouncing the second 'I' in the word 'Aluminium.'

    :biggrin:
     
  9. MRSH

    MRSH Supporting Member

    I shall advise her Majesty to add it to the list straight away
     
  10. The Wherryman

    The Wherryman Active Member

    That's what I meant ;)
     
  11. KMJ Recordings

    KMJ Recordings Supporting Member

    I wouldn't - in this case it's the Brits that have changed from the original...or is that the originial?
    :biggrin:
     
  12. theMouthPiece Related Searches

    Find more discussions like this one
    United States of America
    Elizabeth II
  13. Thirteen Ball

    Thirteen Ball Active Member

    There's some debate over that. Humphry Davy originally called it "Aluminum" But the same year, another paper was submitted referring to the metal as "Aluminium" - which became the preferred form.

    I read somewhere that the american pronunciation is a mistake from a typo in some advertising or something.

    Try this for a bit more info:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aluminum#Etymology
     
  14. KMJ Recordings

    KMJ Recordings Supporting Member

    I'll just dig out my uni course notes.....or maybe I'll not ;)
     
  15. scotchgirl

    scotchgirl Active Member

    I would also insist that from now on 'lawyers' are called either 'solicitors' or 'advocates'......

    And 'highways/freeways' are 'motorways'......
     
  16. Thirteen Ball

    Thirteen Ball Active Member

    And how about putting some right-hand turns into Nascar?
     
  17. yank67

    yank67 Member

    Now you are just picking on the rednecks!:tup
     
  18. Thirteen Ball

    Thirteen Ball Active Member

    Absolutely not ol'boy!

    Y'see NASCAR drivers know how to overtake, so it's still more fun to watch than formula 1.... ;)

    I just can't help thinking it would be even more fun with some right turns too. Like a full-fat high-caffeine five-litre V8 version of touring cars. Now THAT would be fun!!!

    (PS - if you don't have touring cars in the US - imagine a cross between a race and a boxing match. That's pretty much it.)
     
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2008
  19. themusicalrentboy

    themusicalrentboy Active Member

    is it a mass-debate?
     
  20. Thirteen Ball

    Thirteen Ball Active Member

    Careful.... ;)
     
  21. themusicalrentboy

    themusicalrentboy Active Member

    hey - if my sexual innuendos including certain names have remained........

    you can be such a winker sometimes :cry:
     

Share This Page