The NHS

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by MRSH, Dec 21, 2007.

  1. MRSH

    MRSH Supporting Member

    NHS

    [FONT=&quot]1.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Both subsequently died in the ambulance and the PCT set up an enquiry, which came to the following conclusions: [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]a) The 50-mile journey to the nearest casualty department was in the couple’s best interests. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]b) The fact that there was no local bed in which Jack could mend his head was unfortunate but no targets had been breached and he had been offered a choice. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]c) The lack of vinegar and brown paper was not material to Jack’s death, as the NHS management team had not yet decided whether it was cost-effective and in any case both the brown paper nurse and the vinegar nurse were away on courses. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]d) The GP was most to blame and should be suspended and referred to the General Medical Council as he had: [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]i)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Not reported Jack and Jill's lack of water to Social Services[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]ii)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Failed to recognise that anyone going UP the hill to fetch a pail of water must be seriously demented; [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]iii)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Had not involved the Falls Coordinator, which resulted in Jill tumbling after Jack. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]2.[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] Dr Foster went to Gloucester in a shower of rain He stepped in a puddle right up to his middle and never went there again. This also resulted in major public debate. The Press said it was outrageous that, given the fact that doctors were paid around half a million pounds for a 30-hour week, Dr. Foster shouldn't be put off by a mere soaking. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]The politicians wanted to know why any doctors were going to Gloucester in the first place as it was an over-doctored middle class area unlikely to vote Labour at the next election. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]The RCN said doctors weren't needed as nurses could do their job just as well; they were holistically trained and would have no problem with puddles as they could also walk on water. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]The local nurse practitioners agreed that they would of course go to Gloucester after doing the appropriate course. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]The Social workers said that no one had considered how the puddle might feel about being trodden into. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]The managers decided to do a report on how the cost of implementing health and safety policies regarding rain and puddles can be reduced. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]The next time there was a problem in Gloucester it coincided with a large multidisciplinary stakeholder conference and no one was available so NHS Direct advised calling the GP, who was clearly to blame for the whole mess.

    [/FONT][FONT=&quot]3.[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] Once upon a time it was resolved to have a boat race between a BUPA team and a team representing the N.H.S. Both teams practised long and hard to reach their peak performance. On the big day they were as ready as they could be. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]The BUPA team won by a mile. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]Afterwards the N.H.S. team became very discouraged by the result and morale sagged. Senior Management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, and a working party was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]Their conclusion was that the BUPA team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereas the N.H.S. team had eight people steering and one person rowing. [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Senior Management immediately hired a consultancy company to do a study on the team's structure. Thousands of pounds and several months later they concluded that: "Too many people were steering and not enough rowing." [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]To prevent losing to BUPA the next year, the team structure was changed to three "Assistant Steering Managers", three "Steering Managers", one "Executive Steering Manager" and a "Director of Steering Services". [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]A performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder by reducing his pay. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]The next year BUPA won by two miles. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]Following this, the N.H.S. laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off all the paddles, cancelled all capital investment in new equipment, and halted development of a new canoe. [/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]The money saved was used to fund higher than average pay awards to Senior Management.[/FONT]
     
  2. PeterBale

    PeterBale Moderator Staff Member

    Nice one, Matt, although you forgot to point out in (2) that any self-respecting doctor should be able to walk on the water, rather than stepping in the puddle in the first place ;)
     
  3. DocFox

    DocFox Supporting Member

    Try it is in the US. I broke my foot which I had to have emergency surgery to keep from having my little toe amputated. See x-ray. They put in a 4+ inch stainless steel screw.

    [​IMG]

    I work part-time as a Licensed Mental Health Therapist, with a Ph.D. My employer had me under contract and would not wait for me to recover and rushed me back to work.

    THEN, after about a month, my foot started killing me and I couldn't breathe. My wife went to take me to the doctor. I passed out on our driveway after bouncing like a pinball off of both autos.

    My wife quickly called an ambulance. I was rushed to the hospital with shortness of breathe and chest pains. They treated me like I was have a heart attack(morphine, nitro, and aspirin). Two EKGs later they couldn't prove I had a heart attack. So they kept me overnight for observation and to do a chest x-ray and a heart stress test.

    The chest x-ray showed no heart problems, and I passed the stress test with flying colors. The hospital GP DID NOT look at the x-ray because the cardiologist did. But his job was to look at the heart. The x-ray clearly showed I had over 40% of my lungs filled with blood clots from the foot surgery that moved from my foot to my chest.

    The GP told me a I was fine. I told him I came in by ambulance because I could not breathe and passed out. He said I was fine and YELLED at me. I got discharged from the hospital as sick as sick could be. The next day I went to my own doctor. He was appalled. I passed out in his office. Back to the hospital.

    They had a doctor (a Pulmonary Specialist) come in after midnight from another town. They kept my family at the hospital until morning. They thought I would not make it through the night. But this pulmonologist did great work and I did. 10 more days in the hospital. My job, because it was contract was terminated. Talk about kicking you when you are down.

    It gets WORSE. It will be six months before I can go back to work (except my online brass store) and then only part-time. I have health insurance via my wife's job (a Presbyterian pastor). It was supposed to cover 100% after I was £1500 out of pocket. They didn't.

    Instead they paid about 50%. I am being sued by the doctor, the ambulance company, the hospital and a half a dozen other people. I am out-of-a-job so how can I pay?

    Now get this, if I had no insurance, they couldn't sue me! They government would have to pay instead. But because my family is a hard working US family, we are getting sued by everyone. No Christmas presents this year.
     
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2007
  4. bbg

    bbg Member

    Brilliant MRSH - have just showed this thread to my daughter who works in NHS Human Resources (she has just told me NOT to say which Trust.....OK I won't but have a wee look at my signature....) and she at first didn't think it was a joke but a copy internal memo!!!! Only joking of course....
     

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