The Modern Day Trafalgar....

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by tpcornet12, Jul 4, 2007.

  1. tpcornet12

    tpcornet12 Member

    For those of you that feel we are in a nanny state read on.....

    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
    Hardy: "Aye aye, sir."
    Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?
    Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
    Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
    regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion
    or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"
    Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
    opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
    Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
    Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
    working environments."
    Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
    main brace to steel the men before battle."
    Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
    Government's policy on binge drinking."
    Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with
    it....full speed ahead."
    Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
    stretch of water."
    Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
    history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
    nest please."
    Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
    Nelson: "What?"
    Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
    And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
    anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
    Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
    Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle,
    Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
    Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
    environment for the differently abled."
    Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
    even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
    by playing the disability card."
    Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented
    in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
    Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
    Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
    let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
    breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
    Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
    the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
    Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
    Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
    Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
    charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
    legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
    Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
    Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
    Nelson: "We're not?"
    Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European
    partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
    Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
    Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you
    saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
    Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
    Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
    age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."
    Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. What ever happened to rum,
    sodomy and the lash?"
    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
    corporal punishment."
    Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
    Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
    Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy".
  2. Thirteen Ball

    Thirteen Ball Active Member

    Brighouse, Yorkshire
    Nice! Like it very much!

    Little known bit of related trivia:

    Nelson's original message was "England REQUIRES every man shall do his duty" but the signaller asked if he might change it.

    In flag signals, the word "Expects" is dialogue, so is represented by a single string of flags, (three in total I think) whereas the word "Requires" has to be spelt out, with a flag for each letter. Therefore would be difficult and time-consuming to put up, and to translate at the other end.

    Nelson agreed, and the message was sent as history remembers.

    Although it would still not have been so time consuming as: "England expects every person to do his duty,regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability".

    Now y'see why I like history so much? None of this namby-pamby rubbish!
  3. MartinT

    MartinT Member

    Highworth, Wilts
    At the risk of being a pedant, I believe the original word was "confides", rather than "requires". Seems to fit better too, as an expression of confidence in the men, rather than a demand.
  4. on_castors

    on_castors Member

    Of course Nelson DIED at Trafalgar.

    I bet he wouldn't have if it was now, after just a shoulder wound- so would he trade conditions then for conditions NOW?

    In fact when you think about it, he probably wouldn't have been wounded at all, as he would be where every Admiral is in a battle now.... Thousands of miles away behind a desk!

    Now they leave the getting killed part to just the Plebs :-(
  5. Thirteen Ball

    Thirteen Ball Active Member

    Brighouse, Yorkshire
    Today, he would still have died. Ignore the hollywood story that shots in the shoulder are minor, there's an awful lot of blood vessels to get through a narrow gap under the bone. A shot, straight down into the shoulder is even worse as it usually breaks the collar bone and lacerates the artery underneath it. Not even modern medicine can save you when that happens as you bleed to death within minutes.

    Nelson was shot by a sharpshooter from the rigging of the ship the victory was entangled with - simply because he refused to take shelter below decks and lead his men by example, facing the same dangers they did.

    And by doing so he ensured he remained an english hero forever, despite his bizarre and somewhat sordid personal life.
  6. on_castors

    on_castors Member

    But that's not true, he didn't die within minutes.... it was HOURS (more than 3), so as I said before, odds on that his shoulder wound would not have killed him, given access to Naval medics and the best facilities in the fleet! Besides, it isn't Hollywood re-enactments we all watch now, it is real life fly-on-the-wall documentaries of US Hospitals where gunshot wounds are more common than pimples! :-(

    As lousy as modern life is, (and I am not shy of moaning when some of the things I was used to in the past change) I would not trade ANY of the benefits of modern lifestyles for the far lousier times back then. It may be said in jest that Nelson would not recognise things is true enough, but think about it, and thank God that he wouldn't.

    Those who extol the virtues of the past too much should live that way for a week to remind themselves it was NEVER the "good old days!"

  7. Hornblower RN

    Hornblower RN Member

    South Wales
    Until you are nearing 70 like me.....then they certainly were "good old days" particularly in the brass banding world.:tup and most certainly in the RN when we had a fleet to be proud of. :)
  8. andyp

    andyp Active Member

    Southport, Lancashire
    Indeed, now we don't even have a single proper aircraft carrier, they're all "through-deck" cruisers.
    For all its faults, the British Empire and its fleet policed the world much better back then than the Americans do now. Someone should make GWB read his history.
  9. Thirteen Ball

    Thirteen Ball Active Member

    Brighouse, Yorkshire
    Indeed!!! Could not agree more. The lessons are there from the mistakes of the past, if the semi-literate moron would actually pay any heed.

    Back to nelson.... It seems my initial information on his cause of death was flawed.

    It wasn;t the shot in the shoulder that killed him - it was the fact it passed through his left lung and broke his back.

    Given that a musket ball was made of lead, so flattened as it entered the body, ending up about an inch wide, (Even though french musket balls were smaller than english ones) the internal injuries would have made it almost impossible to save him - even today.
  10. tpcornet12

    tpcornet12 Member

    Wow!! You're all too clever for me! I just thought it was a funny email!!
    Ah well, thoughtful discussion is a healthy thing....
    Carry on, I'm learning!!
  11. on_castors

    on_castors Member

    Dead wrong again.

    It lodged in his spine, but seems it was not that that killed him, although undoubtedly he would have been left a good bit less than able!

    I am not the first to make the assumption that he would survive in the Moderatery Good, (but not Perfect) NEW Days.... and this is a lot better qualifed Medical AND Naval opinion see:

    I would add that he might well have went into the Battle Trafalgar with TWO arms too, athough it sounds as if he would still have been an eye short, as that was damaged when he lost a lot of his brow from a cannon shot!

    Seeing it was all so good then, from that I take it we can cut NHS spending for those that want to OPT OUT? Those that want to go back to the good old days of 1805 with amputations with rusty saws and a slug of whisky should be allowed to do so if they want. I'm sticking with 2007 though, as bad as it is now, and while progress definitely isn't all good, I know what side my bread is buttered on and I am more tolerant of today's standards as long as the plusses still add up to a lot more than the minusses!
  12. on_castors

    on_castors Member


    Well it is, and very witty & entertaining the original posting was too.... but everything has other viewpoints!
  13. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    Schloss Dachstein
    But some things are just funny, and deconstructing them gets in the way.
  14. Thirteen Ball

    Thirteen Ball Active Member

    Brighouse, Yorkshire
    Sand and flying stones FROM a cannon shot - At Calvi in 1794 on the Corsican campaign. But I suppose that's only as different as a shot lodging in his spine and breaking it? ;)


    Historical fact is a rare thing at the best of times as so much is coloured by point of view. There are several - differing accounts of Nelson's last hours few of which tally exactly in all but the most basic details.

    Either way, I thought it was a dead funny article, with an important point to it.
  15. on_castors

    on_castors Member


    Agree 100%... but only if you read the posts in reverse chronologocal order!
  16. on_castors

    on_castors Member

    It's very hard to agree to disagree if someone has lost an argument but still wants to have the last word ;-)
  17. hellyfrost

    hellyfrost Member

    Oldham again
    I'm sure when I'm getting on a bit I'll talk about the "good old days" while meaning without saying that I only want certain aspects of my old days life rather than the whole lot:biggrin:

    Excellent post though and made me laugh :clap:
  18. Thirteen Ball

    Thirteen Ball Active Member

    Brighouse, Yorkshire
    Who Lost? Neither of us can be PROVED right, so let's leave it at that!!

    Anyway, I've already let myself get sucked into an argument far too far so I'm sayin no more.
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2007
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