The Men Commandments

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by manx_yessir, Mar 4, 2004.

  1. manx_yessir

    manx_yessir Member

    Messages:
    554
    Location:
    Abu Dhabi
    1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
    a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. :cry:
    b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. :shock: :p
    c. After wrecking your boss' car. :?
    d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". :shock:
    e. When she is using her teeth. :shock:

    3. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

    4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

    6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

    8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

    9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

    10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

    11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

    12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

    13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

    14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

    16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

    17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

    19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

    20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

    21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

    22. Never talk to a man in a public toilet unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

    24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

    25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. (Too bl**dy true!)

    26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

    27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

    28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Mens Gymnastics. Ever.
     
  2. lynchie

    lynchie Active Member

    Messages:
    5,057
    Location:
    South London
    all very sound advice, I applaud you...
     
  3. PeterBale

    PeterBale Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    20,501
    Location:
    Hadleigh, Essex
    Not even when Katerina Witt was skating :?: :wink: :lol:
     
  4. Sam Atherton

    Sam Atherton Member

    Messages:
    846
    Location:
    Derby
    Unless she's driving you home from the pub in it?
     
  5. Accidental

    Accidental Supporting Member

    Messages:
    3,268
    Location:
    West Sussex
    :lol: :lol:
    .... not sure how clean or family friendly it is though?! :?
     
  6. Not_Jus_An_Object

    Not_Jus_An_Object Member

    Messages:
    144
    fair enough...
     
  7. Well Worth It

    Well Worth It Active Member

    Messages:
    1,772
    Location:
    Malta
    What did Moses know anyway?
    He couldn't find his way out of the desert!!
    I've converted and I'm now following this guy into the wilderness.
    (But 6 paces behind and not looking at him at all).
     
  8. ScrapingtheBottom

    ScrapingtheBottom Active Member

    Messages:
    1,323
    Location:
    In a dark, dark place.
    I think their should be a caveat in here:

    Unless she is really hot.

    :wink: :twisted:
     
  9. Well Worth It

    Well Worth It Active Member

    Messages:
    1,772
    Location:
    Malta
    Or she begs!!
     
  10. lynchie

    lynchie Active Member

    Messages:
    5,057
    Location:
    South London
    actually if she's really hot, it's usually even worse!
     
  11. jameshowell

    jameshowell Active Member

    Messages:
    1,032
    Location:
    Suffolk, England, UK
    If only wives / girlfriends / mums / sisters thought the same :oops:

    Not that I forget birthdays or anything... :roll:
     
  12. Okiedokie of Oz

    Okiedokie of Oz Active Member

    Messages:
    2,091
    Location:
    Rockhampton, Qld, AUSTRALIA
    Aren't birthdays just another event thought of by women to collect more presents from their partners???
     
  13. Jo Elson

    Jo Elson Member

    Messages:
    699
    Location:
    Whitchurch,Shropshire
    as if! men hardly remember birthdays, therefore its more likely to be a day we thought of to have a reason to shout or winge at partners. :p
     
  14. twigglet

    twigglet Member

    Messages:
    819
    I think best friends must also be added... no go! Although is often very tempting
     
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