Terms and Conditions of Employment

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by Di, Apr 12, 2006.

  1. Di

    Di Active Member

    I've done a quick search and can't find these elsewhere. If you can please feel free to tell me so. :)

    [FONT=&quot]SICK DAYS

    [FONT=&quot]We will no longer accept a doctor's sick note as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.


    Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you "in tact". To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.


    Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are to be called Saturday and Sunday.


    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for the dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.


    This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.


    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open.

    LUNCH BREAK - Please Note !

    Skinny people get an our for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure, fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.


    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing fancy trainers or clothing, we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.

    Have a nice day.

    The Management[/FONT]
  2. dyl

    dyl Active Member

  3. WoodenFlugel

    WoodenFlugel Moderator Staff Member

    Di, have you been reading our Company Handbook? (but you missed the bit about board members being eligable for a 40% pay increase while the working masses have to put up with 2%)
  4. Charmed

    Charmed Active Member

    Ha ha! Didn't get to see the other thread so this was all new to me. Very funny! :clap: