Stand up career

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by Boomchickaboom, Nov 27, 2005.


Should i do stand up?

  1. boooooooo!! get off *throw tomatoes*

  2. Wow, they are some good jokes!

  3. I don't get it?!

  4. Jesh! I could do better and i'm a cheese sandwich!

  1. Should i do stand up?! Should i pack in teaching and my banding life n take to the stage....

    Getting abit of a mixed response out there.... :) apparently tumbleweed will be my stage partner (thanks for that midwalesman *cough cough*)

    Here are some snip its from my stand up routine - any better jokes to add??? Should i give in now...? Anyone think they can do a better job (YEAH RIGHT!!!)

    So, does anyone have an amazing cure for a cold?

    Coz it won;t go away!! Feel dreadful, headache.. n bunged up nose like you wouldn't believe...

    Someone suggested today that, as a cure, i should go to band and just keep playing my cornet.... playing and playing...

    i asked - how is that going to help...?


    Tunes help you breath more easily!! ha ha!

    one for my "stand up career" surporters"


    see.. i want the symapthy so i'm sure i have man flu!

    Actually, i think its a million times worse that what men get. i think i have...

    women flu!

    or.. maybe i have bird flu!

    Oh and whayts the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
    You can roast beef but you can't pea soup!

    he he..
    i should do stand up - dont ya think??

    Went on a school trip with my class (as the teacher btw!) to look at a River and we were looking at pollution around like crisp packets and one of the lovely children noticed a metal head of a bed in the water - and saying that that shouldn't be there so it was pollution.. so i said.. yeah.. but it is the river bed!! he he.. they didn't laugh..!! so i backed it up with.. maybe its a water bed?!! still no laughs.. they're sucha tough audience!!!
  2. 2nd man down

    2nd man down Moderator Staff Member

    *wrestles with the bloke next to him for control of the tomatoes* :rolleyes:
  3. midwalesman

    midwalesman Member

    The next Peter Kay ! When's the Albert Hall, Bolton gig ;-)
  4. The Cornet King

    The Cornet King Active Member

    As the guys and gals at Co-op could tell you i eat so many cheese sandwiches i could turn into one, so i had to vote for that...and after those jokes the tomatoes will be diverting from my sandwich in your direction...

    ...sorry Claire. :biggrin:
  5. julestools

    julestools Active Member

    Sorry Claire but some of your jokes are older than me, and I'm due a telegram from the Queen.


    Jules ;)
  6. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    I have no idea. I have no sense of humour whatsoever. I'm noted for it...

    Go for it. Total humiliation, psychological trauma and years of therapy is the worst thing that could happen...:rolleyes:
  7. the fish

    the fish Member

    Great stuff reckon you should go on the stage, jokes are almost as bad as mine, however don't expect to get paid..............
  8. Chris Sanders

    Chris Sanders Active Member

    Terrible Jokes, but made me laugh, shouldnt admit to that, Jesus im sad!! :frown:
  9. Just to clarify... i'm not really going to pack in my teaching degree to stand up.. got a few concerned PM's from people not wanting to ruin my life.. lol...!

    Thanks! I'm not really going to!!

    Have you heard my jokes?! as if :)

    Jeeshh!!! *roll eyes*

    Thanks for the feedback anyway though.. i think
  10. Di

    Di Active Member

    Doesn't really matter what I vote for, as long as its the opposite of Crawfy. :tongue:
  11. Nuke

    Nuke Active Member

    yea go for it. You definately cant be any worse then some of the comedy acts ive seen. I wouldnt give up teaching though, just incase your stand up career doesnt take off.
  12. midwalesman

    midwalesman Member

    I want some more Claire jokes???? I like tomatoes as well so there's a dual purpose going on here!! :)
  13. How about this one...

    A couple decide to go for a meal and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They look over the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special 'Chicken Surprise'.

    The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start the meal, the lid of the pot rises by a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

    'wow, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

    again, the lid of the pot rises by a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

    He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.

    Rather worried he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

    'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'

    'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'

    'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter...

    wait for it...
    . .
    'I've brought you the Peeking duck'
  14. PeterBale

    PeterBale Moderator Staff Member

  15. midwalesman

    midwalesman Member

    Claire, "its the way you tell them!" or "that's a cracker" (Carson-ish accent) The day has become a brighter place knowing that the next time I order Chicken Surprise I will ask to have the lid taken off the food before the table!!

    There's a definite talent there!! Although it's not quite "Garlic Bread" it certainly is a kind of exotic "Peeking Duck" :)
  16. Thirteen Ball

    Thirteen Ball Active Member

    Believe me, I know some awful jokes (I sat next to Andy Stevenson for over a year!) but it's a special sort of talent you have!

    Should help you get your five portions of fruit and vegetables a day though!
  17. Melph

    Melph Member

    Isn't that what being a teacher is?
  18. johnmartin

    johnmartin Active Member

    At last they've found out where Bob Monkhouses joke books ended up. :)
  19. Rapier

    Rapier Supporting Member

    That's a bit harsh, some of Bob Monkhouses jokes are funny! :rolleyes:
  20. midwalesman

    midwalesman Member

    Claire might have read the books but she hasn't got that Monkhouse tan yet! :)