London Underground wish to apologise for the severe points failure in the Tottenham area. You can buy 'Spurs, The Glory Years' from most shops, priced £200. That's £5 for the tape and £195 for the Betamax player. What's the difference between Father Christmas and a Spurs win? Some people actually believe Father Christmas exists. Darren Bent is ill, so Jaunde Ramos offers to do his shopping for him. While in Sainsbury's he bumps into Arsene Wenger. 'What are you doing in here, Juande?' asks Wenger. 'Getting a bag of potatoes for Darren Bent,' he replies. 'Sounds like a good swap to me,' says Wenger. Spurs fan with dog in the pub. Sees the Stoke result and the dog starts yapping and tailwagging. Barman says, 'oi mate, you're dog seems happy with that result, so what's he like when the Spurs win? Matey says, 'dunno, I've only had him six months..' What does THFC stand for? They're Heading For Championship Juande Ramos has been done for speeding - in his defence he said he just wanted to know what getting 3 points felt like. Spurs have just been informed by Trading Standards that their new shirt sponsorship deal could not go ahead due to a breach of the 1968 Trade Descriptions Act. Winalot were not available for comment. ---------------------------- Tottenham Hotspur are proud to present this season's Christmas Party and as a bonus include their End of Season party on the same night. Each guest will receive a goodie bag including; A History of Tottenham Hotspur (includes that thrilling 12th place season) and a set of Champions League Pillowcases (so you can keep dreaming!) The night will include: * Four Course Meal * Party Games - including pin the tail on Jenas * Tottenham Legend Sergei Rebrov as guest speaker Highlights of the evening for guests to enjoy include: Darren Bent's Greatest Friendly Goals, Ledley King and Jonathan Woodgate's 10 best injuries and '1961 - The Last Time we won the League' - now for the first time in colour (due to computer colouring techniques used on the original reels of remaining footage)! This is a unique opportunity to enjoy two parties at the same time so get your tickets now and double party for half the price! Also available on the night will be specially reduced merchandise: * 70% off 'Berba Is God' T-Shirts £10.99 * 50% off ' 4th Place - 2009' T-Shirts £10.99 * 'The League is upside down' T-shirts for £10.99 * And for just £15.99 you get 'The Carling Cup is bigger than anything' T-shirt and Mug combi ---------------------------- Members of the public were outraged to find several Spurs players playing football with a hedgehog. They were going to call the R.S.P.C.A but declined when they found out that the hedgehog was winning 4-0. A boy goes to social services and tells them he has no where to live. 'What about your parents'? 'No they beat me' says the boy'. 'What about your grand parents?' 'No they beat me even harder'. 'Well where do you want to stay then?' says the social worker. 'Tottenham' says the boy', they don't beat anyone' Ramos was talking to his groundsman at Spurs. 'The pitch is looking good' he says. 'It should do boss, we put 70 million quids worth of c**p on it every fortnight'. A tourist is in North London one Saturday and he decides he would very much like to go to a football match, so he asks a man in the street if there are any local matches being played that afternoon. 'Well,' replies the man, 'the Arsenal ground is very close but they're playing away today. If you feel you really must see a match, the Tottenham ground is not that far away. You go straight down this road and you'll see two queues, a big queue and a small queue. You should go to the small queue because the big one is for the fish and chip shop.' Snow White arrived home one evening to find her home destroyed by fire. She was especially worried because she'd left all seven dwarves asleep inside. As she scrambled among the wreckage, frantically calling their names, suddenly she heard the cry: 'Spurs for the Cup.' 'Thank goodness,' sobbed Snow White. 'At least Dopey's still alive!' Osama Bin Laden sent out a new video to prove he was still alive, in it he said SPURS were rubbish recently. Britsh intelligence dismissed it saying: ''That could have been recorded anytime in the last 8 years''... Q: What is the difference between a Triangle and Tottenham Hotspur? A: A triangle has 3 points. Someone informed me yesterday that Tottenham Hotspur have a new nickname. They are now called 'The Barnacles' because they are stuck on the bottom. Many moons ago when I was at school, two of my mates were Spurs supporters. They would go to White Hart Lane and wait for about ten minutes after kick off and climb over the wall. One Saturday a policeman caught them and he made them go back in and watch the rest of the game. A little boy gets £10 for his birthday and rushes down to the Sport Shop to buy the new football he has been desperate for. He gets a ball down from the rack and gives the shop-keeper his £10. 'Sorry son !!' explains the shopkeeper. 'This ball costs £20, but you've only got £10'. Thinking quickly, the boy looks up at the different club footballs on the rack and says: 'Ok. If you blindfold me and I guess which club's crest is on the ball, will you let me have the ball for £10?' The shopkeeper decides to humour the boy. He agrees to the lad's proposal, and so he blindfolds the boy. First up he gives the boy an Arsenal ball. 'OK,' says the boy, placing his ear to the ball, 'I can hear the blasting sound of 2 canons. This must be an Arsenal ball!' 'That was a lucky guess,' exclaimed the shopkeeper, 'let's try another one!'... and he hands him a Millwall ball. 'OK,' says the boy, placing his ear to the ball again, 'I can hear a pack of rampant Lions. It must be a Millwall ball!' 'Bejaysus!' says the shopkeeper. 'If you get the next one right I'll let you have the ball for nothing...' and with that he passes him another ball. Again the boy puts the ball to his ear and after a few moments he exclaims 'That's a Tottenham ball!' 'Holy Mary Mother Of God!' shouts the shopkeeper. 'How on earth did you get that one? I suppose you heard a cockerel crowing!!' 'No...' said the boy. 'It's going down.' BBC Sport - 14th October 2008 14:38 Breaking News - Tottenham Hotspur Haringey Council, after a full and frank meeting, have today refused Tottenham Hotspur F.C. permission for a new stadium on Northumberland Park. The council stated they are happy to have a fun fair once per annum but draw the line at a circus once a fortnight. A statement from a Tottenham Hotspur official said they are considering an appeal but cannot decide on what grounds to launch it. Madonna is the new favourite to take over the spurs job, on account of her keeping clean sheets for the last 18 months. BREAKING NEWS: All this weekend's premier league games have been cancelled due to irregular betting patterns. Somebody put a tenner on Spurs to win.