Have you ever woken up after a really good nights sleep, seen the sun shining and feel that you can take on the whole world? Well, that happened to me this morning. I just knew with such certainty that the day had come!! - I was going to iron a shirt!! I spent the next twenty minutes or so roaming the house, vainly searching for that mysterious contraption - is it called "an ironing board"? At one point I was so sure that I could hear my late darling wife sniggering to herself in heaven as she thought to herself "He'll never find it where I left it - behind the small toilet door - where the cat litter is kept". Eventually Eureka! - it was found. After another twenty minutes or so of fumbling, the board was up! (without any serious personal injury being inflicted) - wow my confidence was gaining all the time. I now decided that perhaps a ciggie and a cup of tea might be a good idea - as I pondered which side of the board did I stand? and did the pointed bit point right or left?? I also wondered whether it might not be a good idea to try ironing a towel or something - just to get warmed up. But no - it was to be the shirt or nothing. Having finished the tea - with trembling hands I approached the shirt - It must be best to do the collar first, I thought to myself - the collar ironed nice and flat and not being a total dummy I knew that the collar then had to be folded over - this I did. Just to check progress I tried the shirt on and looked in the mirror - why did the collar go across my throat in a diagonal line?? Ironing the front and back was relatively easy - especially when I realised that after the shirt had slid off the board five times - two heavy books at one end of the shirt kept everything in place whilst I tackled the other end. Progress was continually being hampered by the clouds of steam fogging up my specs. Now for the sleeves! Why was it that having got one side flat, when the sleeve was turned over megga creases had appeared in the other side?? Most of the morning had now passed away so I decided that enough was enough. The shirt now hangs in pride of place in the living room - I will iron another one one day. A quick check of my fingers convinced me that the burns didn't really warrant a trip to the A & E dept. Are the buttons supposed to melt?? Whilst on the subject of "where did it all go wrong" perhaps someone could also correct my porridge making skills. I place oats in a bowl, add milk and cook in the microwave until hot. I am usually here faced with a mixture that would break the teeth of a hyena - so undeterred I keep adding milk and reheating. Eventually after using approx three pints of milk I have a bucket full of something that I am sure, should this news ever leak out, could be used to fill the cracks in spaghetti junction or perhaps be used to coat the nose cone of a space shuttle - the astronauts would be totally safe on re entry with my porridge to protect them!! It's such a hard life friends.