Rules When You Go Shopping

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by MRSH, Dec 11, 2004.

  1. MRSH

    MRSH Supporting Member

    Rules of Holiday Shopping

    Rule No. 1: When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

    Rule No. 2: Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

    Rule No. 3: In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up halfway and stop on the line, taking both.

    Rule No. 4: As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

    Rule No. 5: Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.

    Rule No. 6: When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.

    Rule No. 7: When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

    Rule No. 8: When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers.

    Rule No. 9: When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

    Rule No. 10: If you have handicapped license plates, use up a regular parking spot.

    Rule No. 11: If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy," and park somewhere else.

    Rule No. 12: If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.

    Rule No. 13: When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

    Rule No. 14: When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.

    Rule No. 15: Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.

    Rule No. 16: Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While you're at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.

    Rule No. 17: If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.

    Rule No. 18: When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

    Rule No. 19: When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into another car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.

    Rule No. 20: When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

    Rule No. 21: When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.

    Rule No. 22: When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them.

    Rule No. 23: If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the mall's parking lot, there isn't any!

    Rule No. 24: If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper and start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and phone number."
  2. TuTuKu

    TuTuKu Active Member

    Excellent stuff!

    Isn't Diagonal a funny looking word!!
  3. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    Diagon Ally :)
  4. WoodenFlugel

    WoodenFlugel Moderator Staff Member

    Hmm obviously whoever parked next to me the other day has read that rule and carries it out to the letter...what it doesn't say is "hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard - leaving a 2 inch long dent and scratch in the car's nice metallic black paintwork" Grrrrr :x

    Oh and another one to add to the list:

    Putting hazard lights on means you can stop anywhere for as long as you like - preferably in the middle of the ****** road...:x
  5. MRSH

    MRSH Supporting Member

    Another one they missed:

    By indicating gives you the right to turn in that direction irrespective of whether anything else is coming in either direction.
  6. TuTuKu

    TuTuKu Active Member

    D'ya reckon that's where JKR got the name from? cos it's kinda oddly shaped... hmm i know what i mean

    I think it's time for bed!
  7. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    That is where she got it from.

    Nocturn - ally (night... evil)

    I think it's pretty co-incidental :)
  8. TuTuKu

    TuTuKu Active Member

    Wow, never made that connection!
  9. yonhee

    yonhee Active Member

    I've got to wait 4years till i can get a driving license :-( .
  10. JessopSmythe

    JessopSmythe Active Member

    You missed the one that says

    "A disabled badge also entitles you to park in the Parent and Toddler spaces if you feel like it"
    :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :ranting2:
    and, of course, the one that really suprised someone last weekend.

    "If you stop to let passengers out and you've stopped on a pedestrian crossing that Jessop-Smythe is trying to walk over, don't be alarmed if he steps up onto your bonnet and walks over it"

    I don't think she'll park there again!
  11. manx_yessir

    manx_yessir Member

    You also missed the one that say's:
    When picking your child/children up from school just park whereever the hell you like!! :mad: I mean, it's not like you're blocking the road for the rest of us is it!??
    :rolleyes: :ranting2:

    And while I'm at it.....Parent & Toddler parking......what's that all about?? Why should I have to lug my FULL trolley right over the other side of the car park, when a woman with her sprog in tow only has a basket of Farley's Rusks & some baby wipes and can park right next to the door?? :ranting2: :dunno :evil: :mad:
  12. ComputerBloke

    ComputerBloke Member

    There's a few:

    Nocturn Alley
    Grimauld Place
  13. ComputerBloke

    ComputerBloke Member

    One more to add the list:

    Just because you are in a car gives you the right-of-way when pulling out onto the road when it crosses over a footpath (despite the fact that it is still a footpath, but has been lowered JUST so that they don't bang the bottom of your car)!!!!

    It's unbelievable - when people get in cars, they become total fascists!!?!?!
  14. IckleSop

    IckleSop Active Member

  15. ComputerBloke

    ComputerBloke Member

    Does that mean "I agree" or "What on earth is this guy on?"
  16. jo

    jo Member

    when trying to pull out of a side street onto a busy main road wait and I will let you out. However, if you pull across the oncoming traffic in an arrogant assumption that you can force your way in to the queue in front of me then hell will freeze over before I let you out.
  17. ComputerBloke

    ComputerBloke Member

    I used to go to ASDA at the top of Halifax years ago and the car park exit is no more than a flattened out bit of the path and a hole in the wall.

    Anybody bold enough to walk along the path with their trolley to the top end of the car park past the exit would regularly get mowed down by a car coming out of the car park acccompanied with horns and foul language.

    It seems that wherever they are, car drivers assume that they have the right of way....

    I did have an experience with a really old guy backing out of a disabled spot once in another ASDA in Huddersfield ( the old one in Birkby if anybody knows where I mean).
    It was worrying to start off with because he had these "stary" empty eyes, kinda like he had been hypnotised.
    Anyway, he'd done his shopping and was backing out. A car pulled up nearby waiting to get in the space that he was vacating. The old chap backed out so far, he ran straight into the stationary car with a resounding bang...

    The scary part was that he didn't even realise!!!! He just turned the wheels and drove off!!!