Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" I dated this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..." Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.