One-Liners

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by MRSH, Mar 25, 2004.

  1. MRSH

    MRSH Supporting Member

    Messages:
    1,549
    Location:
    North Lancing
    It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

    When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

    I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

    How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

    Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

    Never criticize your wife's faults. It might have been those faults that kept her from getting a better husband.

    What's the speed of dark?

    Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

    At age 66 I'm bisexual. I said bye to sex.

    Money talks but all mine ever says is "goodbye."

    Light travels faster than sound.
    That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    He who laughs last, thinks slowest

    When you go into court you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough get out of jury duty.
     
  2. lynchie

    lynchie Active Member

    Messages:
    5,057
    Location:
    South London
    hehe, very good :lol:

    What colour does a smurf go when it suffocates?
     
  3. Steve

    Steve Active Member

    Messages:
    2,331
    Location:
    Huddersfield
    How much spare time do you have?????/ All very good though.
     
  4. MRSH

    MRSH Supporting Member

    Messages:
    1,549
    Location:
    North Lancing
    For tMP - loads.

    Now, what is it I come in to work for :?: :?: :?: :?:
     
  5. Dave Payn

    Dave Payn Active Member

    Messages:
    5,372
    Location:
    Isle of Arran and lovin' it!
    The same reason as me, I guess, Matt! ;-)
     
  6. prudhoebass

    prudhoebass New Member

    Messages:
    29
    Location:
    Prudhoe & Gozo
    Mary had a little lamb............the midwife took early retirement.


    What's the opposite of inept? Can you be ept?
     
  7. sunny_jimbob

    sunny_jimbob Member

    Messages:
    592
    Location:
    Doncaster
    My Dad's often heard to say "I want my sex drive lowering. It's all in my head"
     
  8. PeterBale

    PeterBale Moderator Staff Member

    Messages:
    20,501
    Location:
    Hadleigh, Essex
    Mary had a little lamb, it was as black as soot,
    And into Mary's pot of jam its sooty foot 'e put :wink:

    Mary had a little lamb, she also had a bear:
    I've often seen her little lamb, I've never seen her . . . :oops:
     
  9. sunny_jimbob

    sunny_jimbob Member

    Messages:
    592
    Location:
    Doncaster
    Mary had a little lamb, it went around in hops.
    It hopped along the motorway, and got turned into chops.

    I could go on with these for days...!
     
  10. akwarose

    akwarose Active Member

    Messages:
    1,288
    Location:
    Milton Keynes
    please dont.

    just jokin dude, love em really................... :p
     
  11. Dave Payn

    Dave Payn Active Member

    Messages:
    5,372
    Location:
    Isle of Arran and lovin' it!
    Mary had a little lamb
    She fed it Guinness and baked beans
    She approached it with a lighted match
    And blew it to smithereens
     
  12. sunny_jimbob

    sunny_jimbob Member

    Messages:
    592
    Location:
    Doncaster
    Mary had a little lamb, it had a touch of colic.
    She gave it brandy twice a day, and now it's alcoholic.

    Argh! Make them go away mummy!
     
  13. stephen2001

    stephen2001 Member

    Messages:
    958
    Location:
    Worksop
    Mary had a little lamb, it walked into a pylon,
    10,000 volts went up it's nose, and turned it's wool to nylon :!:

    Slightly modified from the version I know to make it suitable for a family audience :? :D :wink:
     
  14. andyp

    andyp Active Member

    Messages:
    1,541
    Location:
    Southport, Lancashire
  15. sunny_jimbob

    sunny_jimbob Member

    Messages:
    592
    Location:
    Doncaster
    Hmm, surely that's pretty much like writing "RUDE, CLICK ME! NOW!" in big flashing letters. Or is that just me?
     
  16. rutty

    rutty Active Member

    Messages:
    1,626
    Location:
    Beeston, Nottingham
    Mary had a little lamb,
    It's fleece as white as bedding,
    And everywhere that Mary went,
    She kicked it <censored> head in

    :)
     
  17. jambo

    jambo Member

    Messages:
    390
    Location:
    Seoul, S.Korea
    Mary had a little lamb
    She tied it to a pylon
    A thousand volts went up its bum
    and now its' fleece is nylon
     
  18. Nat

    Nat Member

    Messages:
    396
    Location:
    Newcastle
    you shouldnt make me laugh like this- i've got bhronchitis and it hurts when i laugh!!
     
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