Office Wisdom

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by MRSH, Feb 17, 2005.

  1. MRSH

    MRSH Supporting Member

    Some classic David Brent Words of Wisdom.




    1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
    2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
    3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.
    4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.
    5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
    6. Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.
    7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.
    8. Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!
    9. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.
    10. It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.
    11. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
    12. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
    13. Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
    14. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
    15. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
    16. You don't have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.
    17. If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.
    18. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
    19. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
    20. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
    21. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
    22. There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.
    23. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
    24. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.
    25. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
    26. If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
    27. Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.
    28. The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my foot soldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!
    29. Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.
    30. Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.
    31. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s?
    32. Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?....
    33. You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!!
    34. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some ******* with a torch, bringing me more work.
    35. Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.



      I challenge you to use at least one of these today :wink:





     
  2. theMouthPiece Related Searches

    Find more discussions like this one
    pigeon
    size
    field general
    boss
    color
  3. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    I fully intend to use this today. Although I'm more comfortable with the idea of "How would Inspector Morse handle this?"
    BMB:)
    xx
     
  4. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    You're not a police officer are you :eek: :shock:
     
  5. Will the Sec

    Will the Sec Active Member

    I have long since used number 2, Matt, albeit begrudgingly suffixed with "but I'll help you if I can". :mad:
     
  6. yonhee

    yonhee Active Member

    lol but i cant use any of them i dont work :(
     
  7. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    No, I just think drinking real ale and single malt whilst listening to Wagner's Ring Cycle at full belt will solve most problems :)
    BMB
    xx
     
  8. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    Would be cooler if you were a copper! :)
     
  9. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    I am constitutionally unsuited to the submission of authority. I do like uniforms though...
    BMB
    xx
     
  10. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    I don't doubt that you like a man in uniform Rebecca... :p
     
  11. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    To be honest I quite like wearing them myself.... Except band uniform that is.
    BMB
    ;)
    xx
     
  12. theMouthPiece Related Searches

    Find more discussions like this one
    pigeon
    size
    field general
    boss
    color
  13. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    Because band uniforms are usually loose fitting and drab... :)
     
  14. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    You are a young man of forthrightness and wisdom. I predict a great future for you.
    BMB;)
    xx
     
  15. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    Wahey! I've got a great future!!!

    I predict a great one for you too :p
     
  16. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    Just so long as it involves Real Ale, single malts, Wagner's Ring Cycle, uniforms and naughty boots...
    BMB
    xx
     
  17. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    And much, much more...
     

Share This Page