New Company Handbook - 2004

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by MRSH, Mar 31, 2004.

  1. MRSH

    MRSH Supporting Member

    I just thought I'd share this with everybody. My company has just issued a new handbook for its employees and I thought you may like to suggest yours adopt the same.

    UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK - 2004


    DRESS CODE:

    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your pay. If we see you wearing Prada runners sneakers and carrying a £600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a pay rise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a pay rise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


    SICK LEAVE:

    We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of illness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


    PERSONAL LEAVE:

    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.


    TOILET BREAKS:

    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toliet. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.


    LUNCH BREAK:

    Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
    they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.


    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


    :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
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  3. Naomi McFadyen

    Naomi McFadyen New Member

    :lol: :lol:
     
  4. lynchie

    lynchie Active Member

    reckon on those rules I should get about 4 hours for lunch...
     
  5. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    I'll get about 10 seconds! :D
     
  6. Nigel Hall

    Nigel Hall Supporting Member

    That explains why I have no time for lunch!!!
     
  7. Okiedokie of Oz

    Okiedokie of Oz Active Member

    I'm lucky. I can accumulate my toilet break time for extra lunchtime!!!
     
  8. rutty

    rutty Active Member

  9. Nat

    Nat Member

    very good!!
     
  10. Jo Elson

    Jo Elson Member

    ahh very good. I don't get toilet breaks at work we just get our allocated time for a break depending on the amount of hours we are working and we don't get paid for them anyway!
     

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