Musician jokes thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Chat' started by Dave Payn, Oct 7, 2005.

  1. Dave Payn

    Dave Payn Active Member

    We have a bad jokes thread, so why not a musicians jokes thread?

    All the old ones will come crawling out of the woodwork, so I'll start in similar fashion....

    Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany?
    Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.

    TIMBONE Active Member

    There was a young lady from Lytham
    Who sang with a band, and slept with'em
    It's sad to relate
    She's had twelve kids to date,
    Five saxes, four brass and three rythm.

    TIMBONE Active Member

    Genie to man stranded on desert island - "You've had two wishes, what is your third?" - man replies, "I've got rythm, I've got music, who could ask for anything more?"
  4. Chris Hicks

    Chris Hicks Member

    Q. What's the difference between a chainsaw and a trombone???

    A. You can tune a chainsaw!
  5. BbBill

    BbBill Supporting Member

    How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Two, one to hold the bulb and another to spin the drum stool! :rolleyes:
  6. Laserbeam bass

    Laserbeam bass Active Member

    How do you get a baritone/viola player to play with vibrato?

    Give them a semibreve, and write the word solo above it.
  7. tinytimp

    tinytimp Member

    Q: What do 4 trombones sound like at the bottom of the sea?

    A: A good idea.
  8. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    What do 400 trombones sound like at the bottom of the sea?

    A: An Even Better Idea!!
  9. Neil Glynn

    Neil Glynn Member

    How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: Three, one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.
  10. yonhee

    yonhee Active Member

    Q: what do you call a sad person that hangs around with a bunch of musicians?
    A: a drummer
  11. Neil Glynn

    Neil Glynn Member

    How do you make a trombonist's car go faster?

    A: Take the Domino's sign off the roof

    What's the definition of optimism?

    A: A trombonist with a pager
  12. Laserbeam bass

    Laserbeam bass Active Member

    How do you make a percussionist even more unpopular?

    Take away one of their sticks, and make them conductor.
  13. Neil Glynn

    Neil Glynn Member

    What's the difference between a seamstress and a soprano player?

    A: The seamstress tucks up frills :eek::rolleyes:

    What's the difference between a chainsaw and a bass trombone? (2 answers)

    A1: Vibrato (although the effect can be reduced if you hold the chainsaw really really still)

    A2: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a brass quartet
  14. Maestro

    Maestro Active Member

    How do you get 2 flautists to play in unison?

    Shoot 1 of them!
  15. Magic Flute

    Magic Flute Supporting Member

    :eek: :mad: Forgotten who's observing your lesson tomorrow morning, Maestro??? :biggrin:

    A euphonium player and a conductor jump off a cliff. Which lands first?


    ... Who cares?
  16. sterlingsop

    sterlingsop Member

  17. vonny

    vonny Member

    What do you get if you throw a piano down a coal mine? A Flat minor:biggrin:
  18. bigmamabadger

    bigmamabadger Active Member

    Some of these have been on before, but some were new to me.
    Accidentals: Wrong notes.
    Agitato: A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece.

    Agnus Dei: A woman composer famous for her church music.

    Attaca: "Fire at will!"

    Augmented Fifth: A 36-ounce bottle.

    Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.

    Beat: What music students to do each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.

    Bravo: Literally, How bold! or What nerve! This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the concert goer after a particularly trying performance.

    Breve: The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow.


    The short nickname of a rock group whose full name is Cadence Clearwater Revival.

    When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

    (Final Cadence: when they FORCE you to stop.)

    Cantus Firmus: The part you get when you can only play four notes.

    Chord: Usually spelled with an "s" on the end, means a particular type of pants, eg: "He wears chords."

    Chromatic Scale: An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.


    If a student cannot sing, he may have an affliction of the palate, called a clef.

    Something to jump from if you can't sing and you have to teach elementary school.

    Coloratura Soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.

    Conduct: The type of air vents in a prison, especially designed to prevent escape. Could also be installed for effective use in a practice room.

    Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

    Counterpoint: A favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. Still taught in many schools, as a form of punishment.

    Countertenor: A singing waiter.

    Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

    Cut Time: When you're going twice as fast as everyone else in the orchestra.

    Detache: An indication that the trombones are to play with the slides removed.

    Duration: Can be used to describe how long a music teacher can exercise self-control.

    English Horn: Neither English nor a horn, not to be confused with the French Horn, which is German.

    Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.

    Fermata: A brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.

    Flat: This is what happens to a tonic if it sits too long in the open air.

    Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy.


    The shape of a composition.

    The shape of the musician playing the composition.

    The people of paper to be filled out in triplicate in order to get enough money from the Arts Council to play the composition.


    The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel.

    A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

    Harmonic Minor: A good music student.

    Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.

    Major Triad: The name of the head of the Music Department.

    Minor Triad: the name of the wife of the head of the Music Department.

    Modulation: "Nothing is bad in modulation."

    Tempo: This is where a headache begins.

    Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn.

    Tonic: Medicinal liquid to be consumed before, during, or after a performance. (Diatonic: This is what happens to some musicians.)

    Transposition: The act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.

    Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.

    Triplet: One of three children, born to one mother very closely in time. If a composer uses a lot of triplets he has probably been taking a fertility drug.

    Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

    Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals

  19. HBB

    HBB Active Member

    Harmonic Minor: A good music student.

  20. Craigsav83

    Craigsav83 Active Member

    And on that note (boom boom)...

    What do you get if you throw a piano on an army base? A flat major!

    <grabs coat> :oops: